Hello everyone. So I am here wondering if a gay man can be in love with women? If so, then is he really gay? I am really confused about this one because it's been a long time since I accepted that I am gay, or believed that I am. However I haven't always been gay, or just didn't realize that I am. So when I was little I always thought of homosexuality as very masculine thing, and I did not particularly like masculine things, such as hunting, fighting, sports, cars and many other things, particularly the idea of two men living together and making love. I thought it was gross. I liked feminine things more, such as flowers, dresses, cute animals, long hair, pink colored stuff, sweets, etc. So, I wanted to be a girl, and be in love with a girl. I fantasized about these things. And even when I didn't think of myself as a girl, I would put myself in a position of a hero who would defend a beautiful girl from boys, who appeared to be savages in my mind. I had some sort of internal fear of men and anything masculine, so I wanted to avoid them as much as possible. When nobody was home, I would dress in a girl's clothes and sing songs performed by women. But most of the time I always dressed like any other boy and hid my "feminine side". As much as I remember during childhood and adolescence I always had crushes on cute, shy girls, who appeared the most feminine among other girls. But I never wanted them in sexual way, just platonic feelings. During much of my adolescence I never had sexual feelings towards anyone, even towards other guys. When I watched porn, both gay and straight, I felt nothing, no arousal or so, but I had a thing for very feminine guys with long hair and girly clothes, even though I felt disgusted by them and did not give it much thought. I had first girlfriend at the age 16. She was very cute and beautiful, and I was romantically attached to her, cared for her, we were doing many things together. It was beautiful until I found out that she's flirting with another guy. I felt very jealous and abandoned her. It was a painful break up which I later regretted, because she and the other guy broke up as well, so I thought if I remained in relationship with her, I'd have made it work. Later on at the age 18 I started noticing that guys can be attractive too. The body of a guy I found attractive, as opposed to the body of a girl, as well as facial features. Though I was still attracted to "feminine" type with long hair, cute eyes and other things. It was both physical and romantic attraction. In other words, I wanted to have sex with them and be together. Be a friend, romantic and sexual partner at the same time. But I had to hide those feelings, because the people around me were mostly homophobic, including my friends, family and relatives. So it was my little secret, same as the childhood fantasies of being a girl. What happened after is that I met another girl, though she was the first to approach me. At that time I was little bit depressed, had no hope in getting into a relationship at all, was anxious and nervous around people (I still do, at times). Meeting with her was like a ray of light in my life full of negativity. We started dating, going to various places and then I lost my virginity to her. We had multiple sleepovers, and it was awesome. I never expected that I would get an erection with a girl. Also she was the first person ever I told that I liked guys. The time we were together I almost forgot that I am attracted to guys, basically I was not attracted to anyone besides her at that time. But two months later things started to break apart. I found out that she was with another guy. Of course it was disheartening to know, but I forgave her at first because she promised that she would never ever flirt with him again, and we continued our relationship. I was too naive to believe her, so it happened again, and I let her go. Within 2 year period nothing much changed, I am still attracted to guys in a greater extend than to girls. However recently I met up with a guy. He is completely my type, and we started dating few months ago. I fell in love with him and can't imagine being with anyone else besides him. I had my first gay sex with him. However I still don't understand one thing, am I really gay? Or am I a transvestite/crossdresser? Or both? Maybe I am bisexual or pansexual? I don't know. Just want to know your opinion.
((I can't see your post. I don't know why. But I'm going to offer what I have based on the few lines that appear when you hover your cursor over the topic. I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you're looking for.)) Have you considered that your sexual orientation might not match your romantic orientation? You could be homosexual, but hetero/bi/panromantic (or some romantic orientation that covers your romantic attraction to women and/or men/other genders). Seperate sexual and romantic orientation is a theory (but aren't most things anyway). Some people have matching sexual and romantic orientations and some people don't. It'll definitely be up to you if you still want to call yourself gay or not. Technically, you're still gay, because of the homosexual orientation.
Hi I think my post was invisible because I'm newly registered user and haven't posted anything yet, so my first post has to be approved by moderator. Nevertheless, thanks for the answer! And I guess you're right, I am gay but can be attracted romantically to anyone no matter the gender. But it's a little bit weird because I might have developed subconscious fear of females after break up with my first girlfriend. Following that did not want to engage in any relationship, so I became sexually attracted to guys at the age 18, which is pretty late knowing that most people discover sexual attraction early in life, around age 12-15.
Hey. I think you're just gay. Or mostly gay. SEXUAL orientation means what you are SEXUALLY attracted to. Such an attraction may be so 'awesome' that it opens you up to being romantic with that gender/sex. You said you're sexually attracted to guys and not girls. So you're definitely into guys. Now, the romantic attraction that you have for girls. That can be explained by what you learned from heteronormative culture, don't you think ? Also, you said you enjoyed sex with a girl. Well, if you experience something sexual, you are bound to enjoy it, right ? There are straight guys that say they can enjoy sex with a guy. There are gay guys that say they can enjoy sex with a girl. The important thing is, did you develop an intense sexual attraction for girls then ? Did you develop a n intense passion of being sexual with a girl ? You didn't, right ? So I would say you're gay. Or mostly gay.
I myself was in a similar situation when I began questioning. I knew I enjoyed being around and having sex with men, but I wanted a relationship with a female. At the time I didn't realize that I could have everything I wanted with another guy. I wanted a female for the obvious reasons of going out and things like that, but also wanted gay sex behind closed doors. When I first started a lot of other gay people told me this was perfectly normal, it's like a last hope of holding on to whatever heterosexual normalcy you have left. A short time after this I realized I was probably gay.
Lots of gay men have a close connection with female friends. (Watch Will and Grace or Glee for examples that are surprisingly accurate for a lot of men.) This isn't "romantic" attraction; it's deep, emotionally intimate friendship. It's perfectly normal.
I wouldn't call your attraction to girls just deep emotional friendship. You had sex and enjoyed it, and definitely went through intense emotions that are usually related to infatuation and romantic relationships. Perhaps sexually you are in general more attracted to men, but it seems that your attractions are more based on a personal level. A term you might want to look into is demisexual. At the end of the day, sexual orientation is an identity that you get to pick yourself. It's entirely possible for you to identify as gay, or bi, or pan, from what you have told us. I think the important thing is to not get too fixated on these labels though, and remain open minded. You're not interested in anyone but your boyfriend right now, but that doesn't mean you have to call yourself gay. And even if you did call yourself gay, that doesn't mean you can't allow yourself to fall in love with a woman again.
I wouldn't call your attraction to girls just deep emotional friendship. You had sex and enjoyed it, and definitely went through intense emotions that are usually related to infatuation and romantic relationships. Perhaps sexually you are in general more attracted to men, but it seems that your attractions are more based on a personal level. A term you might want to look into is demisexual. At the end of the day, sexual orientation is an identity that you get to pick yourself. It's entirely possible for you to identify as gay, or bi, or pan, from what you have told us. I think the important thing is to not get too fixated on these labels though, and remain open minded. You're not interested in anyone but your boyfriend right now, but that doesn't mean you have to call yourself gay. And even if you did call yourself gay, that doesn't mean you can't allow yourself to fall in love with a woman again.
My experience is very similar to yours, specially childhood part. I secretly cross dressed and wished I was a girl. Same applies to my aversion to masculinity or being perceived to be very masculine. But I've never been sexually attracted to women and I don't have a history of any physical experience with women either. This was mainly because being in a relationship or having a girlfriend was a taboo in my society. Whenever I saw a capable woman or a beautiful girl I used to think oh I could marry a woman like her. Whenever a girl had a crush on me I'd be elated. When I feel a girl likes me it made me happy. So much so that I tried to maintain a good impression in her eyes. N I thought, oh so am I bi romantic? I soon realized this was only because society had trained my mind to think in this way, moreover I realised the happiness I felt when woman were interested in me was coz I felt worthy n awesome n that I'm eligible n desirable and people like me,so much so that I didn't want to loose it. So in short society can make you like a lot of things because you feel normal n accepted when it aligns with social norms, specially when you have been degraded for being a deviant. But as you said I'm yet to figure out the whole cross dressing, I wish I was a girl phase. Even that could be related to social norms coz I'm pretty much a deviant in gender expression wrt having a higher percentage of yin than yang. So probably you n I feel we would fit in better if we were women? Idk, I really don't have body dysphoria n my social dysphoria is restricted to the intense discomfort while doing or being expected to do masculine things. So I'm not trans. Basically the euphoria of being socially conforming is misleading. Then again each one has their own experience n probably you are Kinsey 5 or homoflexible n demisexual. Either ways it's ok n keep your options open n don't box yourself up to a strict label!
Thanks a lot for your answers guys. I guess you're right about not putting a label on yourself. I also think that fixation on a concrete label feels unnatural. Just gotta be yourself no matter what label is. But usually I'll just tell people that I'm gay simply because it's easier to explain and closest to what I identify as. Fighter694, I can relate to you man. This is exactly how I felt most of my life. In fact I still do, but to a lesser extent since now I am out to my closest friends. However there is still work to be done. I mean, coming out to family and geting rid of hesitation when asked by new people.
