Hey, so this is probably going to be long and complicated but I just feel like by posting everything I'm going through right now on here may provide me with answers, So basically I was in a relationship with a guy for 4 years (which is long considering I'm only 18), and during this time I was with him I was this 'straight girl'. However I started to feel confused and I broke up with him because I said I wanted to figure out who I was. This kinda led to me questioning a lot of things, and doing a lot of stupid things and experience a lot of anxiety which I'm beginning to work past. Recently I've been looking at girls more, which all started when I watched a coming out video and I felt as if a lightbulb went off and I had this moment of realisation. I look at girls and I notice how cute they are, I notice there faces more,the way they smile at me and I cannot help but just smile at the thought of being with a girl, holding her in my arms and protecting her. I will never say I'm confused or that it is a phase because it makes me feel like my feelings aren't real, and for the first time I feel like I'm finally understanding who I am. I am struggling to understand because I've only ever been with guys and I've grown up in an environment with a mother who has always critised and thought bisexuals were just greedy and s I really am struggling with the whole concept of it all. I am attracted to guys but I feel a strong attraction to transgender males. So I'm assuming I may be bisexual or something along those lines. I just can't help but feel like there is more to it. When I was younger I played with brothers toys too, I dressed like a boy and I constantly had boys attention at school. It got to an age where my mum started to make me wear pink because I'm a girl. Ever since over broken up with my ex I don't feel like this 'straight girl' anymore. Somedays I wake up and feel like a girl, I want to dress up and be girly, it some days I wake up and feel like I'm not a girl. Generally I wear jeans and t-shirts, and I mostly feel uncomfortable in girly clothing, unless I'm in a more 'girl mood'. Some days I want to wear male clothing and not have a chest or curves and others days I don't. I'm struggling with why I'm feeling this way and what it means. I just want to understand so I can stop hiding and be who I really am. I don't agree with labels because I think people should just be able to be who they are, but I do like the fact they give definitions and explain what you are. Thank you in advance if you're able to give me any advice and/ help
Okay first, you should probably explain what feeling like "Not a girl" means, do you feel like a guy or nothing at all? Is your girliness on a spectrum and on days it just goes up and down the spectrum of feeling like a girl? If you feel like a guy and a girl sometimes you are probably bigender or genderfluid if you feel as if on a fluctuating spectrum you could be demigender.
