I was fine until...(long post sorry///)

Anxiety disorder came into the picture. OCD also come into my life. Both actually reared their ugly faces when I was 15 years old (I'm currently 17) and since then have made my life a living hell.

Recently, I asked myself a question out of the blue random, and this question was, "What if this is a phase?" It was really an innocent question that I had just planned to blow off because I had asked myself the same thing before and nothing ever happened. I always brushed if off with a mental "nnnaaaah" and continued on with my life. That was even before I had experience with actually getting romantically involved with girls.

HOWEVER, I didn't have anxiety disorder when I first asked that question. This time I did, and this time, I stretched the question way out of proportions and for 10 months I have been going through hell. Why? Because I didn't want my anxiety to ruin something I had been so secure with and enjoyed being part of me. Unfortunately, it has.

See, I figured out I was gay when I was 12 years old, and it wasn't a sudden "WELP, I'M GAY." It was more realizing that it made things in the past make more sense. It was why I always felt a strange feeling towards girls and I always wanted to be around them. It was why my teacher crushes were always on female teachers. It made sense. However, I came out as bisexual because I still felt, or at least thought I felt, something towards guys.

After dating guys for a bit, and giving kisses, it was pretty clear I was just full on gay. The kisses were bland, and eventually gross to me. It wasn't until I was 14 that I got my first kiss from a girl, and when I did, my knees got weak, I could barely stand, my face flushed red, my heart danced, and there was a party in my tummy.

It was amazing.

She left me after a week, she just wanted a quick thing I guess, and I remember how hard I cried over her, and how little I cried over the boyfriends I had had. Hell, I once actually had to force myself to cry over a guy so that I was following some sort of...break up code?? I dunno. Anyway- she made me cry extremely hard, and when I confronted her about it, I was on the verge of vomiting because I was so nervous and heartbroken.

I have had a serious relationship with a good friend of mine, granted we broke up, but it was a calm and clean break up and we were still friends afterward...i mean things happened after that but that's redundant >3>. That relationship meant a lot to me, a lot more than any with the guys I had dated.

I'm getting off topic.

I said I figured out that I was "different" at 12 years old, and as you all know, that's typically the age when puberty starts to fade in. That's also when a lot of people start questioning because of the hormones. Of course, my family knew this, and so they talked to me about it and said that this kind of thing can happen at this age. I didn't think anything of it though because I knew for me it was legit. Like I said it made a lot of things make sense...plus the whole kissing thing and the serious relationship.

However, since I asked myself that question, anxiety has only used negative things against me to ruin my life and completely disregarded the evidence to support my sexuality. It's been forcing me to use all the brain power I have to subdue it the best I can, and as a consequence, I'm extremely tired all the time. I've also been suffering from panic attacks because of it.

When I was about...13ish, I had the mentality that, because I was a lesbian, I was not even aloud to look at a guy and think he was attractive. I didn't realize that it was purely aesthetic attraction and not romantic/sexual attraction. I ditched that mentality when I was 14 and I hadn't looked back since. It was "I'm gay, and no matter what anyone says, or who I find attractive, I'm still gay."

OF COURSE THAT WAS UNTIL THIS HAPPENED.

That mentality is back, except this time I'm aware at how ridiculous it is, and this time, it's more intense. It's like my mind is trying to trick me into thinking it's more than aesthetic attraction. Maybe it's because I haven't actually even had platonic girl friends in awhile and only had guy friends. My guy friends make me laugh, and, as I said, I have anxiety and I'm due for a laugh every now and then. For a time, I was scared that I was "attracted" to them. It took me a good few weeks to realize I was only attracted to the fact that they made me laugh and not them as a person. Hell, some of these guys were good looking, but, every time they touched me, I flinched, and the thought of any romantic scenario with them made me shudder.

That doesn't stop the anxiety from continuing. My entire thought process for the past few months has been "YOU THINK THAT GUY IS GOOD LOOKING? WOW, WHAT A BAD LESBIAN YOU ARE."

This doesn't make any sense. This entire 10 months has not made any sense, and it's so infuriating that I let myself get so broken after being so put together and collected. It's embarrassing too with the old mentality that I have now.

I recently met someone who had gone through the same thing as me, and she is now getting married to a woman (which is just comforting to know so i mentioned it :y) And she's been helping me through it. The thoughts are still coming, though, so it's sort of a...it's working but it's not.

OH, and I've been saying "Calm down, Maria. You're gay. You are gay. You have kissed a girl and loved it, you've only ever had crushes on girls. You even dated a girl for 3 months, 3 times, and all three times meant something to you. You are gay." SO MUCH, that it's getting tedious and actually making me feel worse. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE YOURSELF IF YOU'RE SO SURE OF YOURSELF?"

I'm legitimately scared to look at a guy now because of how long this has been going on and how bad it's affected me. I'm overthinking everything, like, "did I look at that guy or did he just come into my field of view?" and "why am I not attracted to that girl that I saw for .5 seconds?"

It honestly feels like my own mind is working against me.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Like, is this a common thing to happen to LGBT+ youth? I'm feelin' like an idiot who's putting herself into a box.

 

Unfortunately, no, but I will be getting medication for my anxiety in a bit. It might help with it.

---------- Post added 11th Jun 2016 at 07:17 AM ----------

You're probably right :0. It's just been awhile, I guess.

 

I sound lesbian to myself, too OCD's just a weenie. I've also been scared to go to therapy about this because of the stories I've heard.

Like, someone goes to the therapist for something unrelated, and their sexuality comes up, and the therapist is like, "Nnnnaaaaaahh..." and I'd rather not go through the whole argument of defending my sexuality with someone who doesn't get it.

 

I dunno. I'm very close to giving up as I've been overthinking everything, I'm assuming things left and right. Stereotypes have infected my head about girls (which I have the "no platonic girl friends" to thank), im getting aesthetic recognition and romantoc attraction mixed up- it doesnt help that my mom doesnt understand how tired this makes me and really makes me out to be a depressing person and makes it worse for me to stay calm. I have no idea what to do.

 

SO, you've gone through this too, huh? That's comforting to know I'm not alone. However, it hasn't been gettinf better.

My anxiety has been skyrocketting to the point where I'm numb and always on the verge of an anxiety attack. I have also seen some attractive guys (of course as soon as my anxiety is worse, too) and I would stare because I was scared I felt more than just aesthetic recognition, and really, it's not helping.

The fact that they were really attractive and spiked my anxiety sort of burned their images in my brain and my mind won't stop flashing pictures of them, seemingly just to tortue me.

Another thing- like, it's one thing to just not find someone attractive, it's another not to find a whole gender attractive. Because my anxiety is so high, it's like I forgot how to find girls attractive, however, the back of my brain recognizes when they are and also recognizes that this is my anxiety's doing.

I think what saves me here is how I sometimes have dreams of girls, really nice dreams, and I've never dreamt of a guy.

I'm very scared that this will never end and I will never find the girl of my dreams.

 

Thank you so much ;-;

 

i think you'll all be glad to know that i am better :y
After analyzing all things im my life that have happened, and also my love getting reinvigorated after so long of being dried up
I have come to the conclusion.....
Im super gay :y