Last night I had this strange dream about the show Three's Company and Jack on the show pretending to be gay. I mean it was a really stupid show and that was homophobic too but a lot of people watched it. Anyway you would think that would be a funny dream but when I woke up I realized that I am worried that I am only pretending to be queer. As if there would be some reward for it when everyone knows there isn't. Sometimes I actually think things like "Well, I'm pretending to be queer so I can date women." That would actually mean I'm not pretending but that's not what my brain says to me. (I'd like to add that I'm not angry at men or anything like that and I'd probably still date a man at least in theory, so it's not like that.) I think part of it is that when I hear stories of people coming out they talk about knowing from a young age and falling in love with their friends and that's not really what happened to me. (I had a crush on one of my friends but it seemed different from the crushes I had on boys so maybe I didn't really have a crush on her at all.) It actually helps me to be here though because I can talk to other people who are confused and maybe didn't know it all their lives. I probably will never really feel like I know until I have a girlfriend and at my age that's extremely unlikely so... maybe I should just get used to not knowing.
If it helps at all I didn't know until the end of my undergrad, but every time I look back to instances in my childhood it seems pretty obvious and I just didn't realize it until much later. In any case I think sexuality is fluid. For me, I know I'm attracted to women more but there have been a few men I have developed attractions for after getting to know them for a while. Also, don't get discouraged because of your age! There are plenty of couples in the world who find each other later in life. Sometimes it's even better because the relationship might not have worked out if you had met when you were younger.
