I just started dating my girlfriend a few months ago and she told me that I am a demisexual. I still feel like I'm pretty new to the LGBT community and the terminology is sometimes confusing. I never liked labels to begin with because a lot of them seem so vague compared to the feelings they are supposed to describe. She tried to explain it but I still don't really understand. We have had some issues because she is an extremely affectionate person, and I am quite the opposite. I didn't realize how unaffectionate I am physically, and how unavailable I am emotionally, and now I just feel like an ice queen. Sometimes I feel like something is holding me back from being comfortable with showing affection. There's also something so off-putting when I can see that she wants to do something like make out. And as soon as I see that I get uncomfortable, and start to feel pressured. How do I deal with all this??? :bang:
Disclaimer: take with 2 tablespoons of salt, pepper, spices and herbs. Season to taste. Label are definitely supposed to be vague to a certain extent. Labels are used to group things, or people and therefore need some leeway if anyone is going to identify with that label. That is, table is a label (I'm sorry for the terrible rhyme it was unintentional). And "table" as a descriptor is vague because you can have loads of different kinds of tables, and you can also have things that are kind of tables but are they really tables? Which goes to show that labels aren't everything. If you find a label that fits you, that's great! And if you don't, you'll probably find one or make one yourself. I'd say it doesn't matter, but then people have found labeling feelings to be somewhat helpful, so it kind of does matter... As for demisexual. I see your orientation and raise you an explanation and hopefully some validation. Basically (which you probably already heard from your gf but hey whatever), for demisexuals to experience sexual attraction, they first need to establish a close emotional bond with their partner. This emotional bond is defined by the demi themselves. It could be trust, romantic love, some deep platonic feeling, something. It's vague, I get that, but the gist is: sex comes very much after first contact. That also means you can be demisexual and lesbian (because demi isn't a gender-related orientation) From your description, it seems that you might possibly be demisexual. But I would also suggest looking at other causes because it's normal for some people to want to take a relationship slowly (What if an upbringing/childhood incident maybe made you hesitant to show affection? Or maybe trust is somewhat of an issue here? Or maybe it's just not your thing but if she wants affection and stuff maybe you both could come up with a compromise. Practicing is also a thing yeah, maybe if you do it willingly more often you'll get used to it?)
I tend to be wary of other people telling me what the supposed correct label for me is. Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong. Only you can know. Don't forget: You don't need to have one (or any) specific label, and your labels can change, whether every day or every year. You can choose to use as many or as few as you want depending on what feels most right.
I don't think you're an ice queen. Surely, you must like being somewhat affectionate otherwise how would you two have become girlfriends? Is it pda that makes you uncomfortable? That's totally understandable, some people just don't like it. Does it upset her or has she just concluded that you are demisexual? Unless she keeps bringing it up and annoying you with it, I would let it go. Everybody is different. She's a labeller, you are not. She's overtly affectionate, you are not. If her comments upset you, you need to tell her because bottling it up is not good for anyone. She won't know it upsets you and you'll just get more and more upset.
