How to Accept Not Knowing...

Not knowing is a beautiful place … to be in the unknown. Altho u may feel like u need to know, that is only the mind, which doesn't like questions, only likes answers & facts. To be on the unknown, the unborn, is a sacred authentic place. May u stay on the question, in the moment, always alive, always present.

 

Hi there. You're me.

I'm quite a bit older than you, thought I was straight my entire life (despite having a non-official relationship with a girl at your age), who likes dudes, and now also loves a girl, and is still struggling with labels and where I fit and what I feel like best encompasses me. I hope to hear from other people that can offer advice to you as well.

But no, it's not just you.

 

Im still struggling whit this my self, with this not quite knowing who you are and where you belong. Coming from such a homophobic and religious family I still struggle with it. Do you have any people your age who are going through similar situations?? That is what helped me get through some tough times.

 

I was in denial for quite some time about myself. On some level I suppose I had always known, but it wasn't until a certain situation smacked me upside the head that I was forced to confront it.

The struggle is real, I know. But honestly, not knowing what you are or where you fit into can be a good thing. You're not bound, to yourself, or even to society in a sense. You'll realize things on your own, and it will be epic. Best of luck to you.

 

I completely understand how you feel. I was/am in the same position myself, with the uncertainty, but over time I've managed to make peace with it far better than my younger self would've ever thought.

Firstly, you belong in the community no matter how unsure you are of what label is best for your sexuality. You don't have to be strictly, completely confident in who you are to very much belong, especially since there are going to be people in the LGBT+ community (me included), who's sexualities may be more difficult to discern and be fully clear about for any number of reasons. Sure, the LGBT+ acronym contains letters that pertain to sexual orientations/gender identities + their labels, but that doesn't mean you have to have a label to belong.

Secondly, that "need to know" is perfectly normal. To some extent we all want certainty and that's natural, but it's also good to remember that what comes first and foremost are your own feelings, and yourself, before trying to find a perfect label. Focus more on what you want and like, and understand that labels are a secondary (not unimportant, but not the most important priority over anything else), and that they can become clearer over time as you try and understand and accept your feelings first. Accept yourself no matter what sexual orientation you may come to realise you are.

Thirdly, I think the vast majority of us have experienced doubts in questioning. You aren't fake. Once again, try and pay less attention to the negative doubts that try and invalidate you, and more on the positive feelings, attractions, and moving towards being able to accept yourself more - including accepting yourself whilst you're still in the more grey area of questioning.

I got to run now but those are some of my thoughts (*hug*) Give it some time. You'll get there.

 

I struggle with the same thing. I've never actually been in a relationship with a woman, I have crushes on guys... I'm so confused. And I am really tired of being confused, especially at my age.

(I do realize that a person can be queer without dating anyone and a person can like men and women, but I still just can't make peace with myself.)

 

Hi bubbles.

Well, let's see here...
I've been questioning for a good while, as well. Some insights I've gained are:
- As others said above, feeling like you need to know is entirely normal. Uncertainty is a natural harbringer of anxiety and fear. But you're so great for hanging in there and doing yourself this service in the long run of finding out who you are.
- Labels are just that; labels. They can be great in many ways. The first way is that they're practical. For example, let's say a guy walks up to you and starts flirting. If it turns out that you're sure you're gay, you can just say 'no, not interested', and avoid a long time of drawn-out confusion about whether you're really attracted to him only to split up. To navigate the social world, labels carry a measure of power.
Also to feel contentedly at home with who you are, labels can be good.
- Not being 100% sure of a label doesn't mean what you do know about your sexuality isn't important. For me, I know I like guys, I'm quite sure I like girls to some extent, I'm quite sure I like non-binary people and people with ambiguous gender expressions to some extent. These things I've come to know with time.
As of now I use pansexual, bisexual, and mostly straight interchangeably as labels, but labels are only secondary. It's okay not to know. It might be a little scary at times, but even so, it's okay. (*hug*)