A little over a year ago, my boyfriend of three years came out to me as gender-queer. I have read forums, articles, spoke to a friend in the LGBT+ community, but nothing has comforted me about my role in my boyfriend’s changing sexuality. I have tried my best to be as open as I can. Somedays I feel like I want a “conventional” heterosexual relationship, other times I’m ready to help him with his makeup and help out with his outfits. The problem is my feelings are never consistent, which scares me. Sometimes I question if I want to be in this relationship or if I can be supportive and strong – and when he eventually gets his land legs (confidence, so to speak) he will shine and bounce back to the extraordinary person I first met. I constantly ask myself “Why is this so hard? Why do I feel uncomfortable with his newly found identity?” and I cannot come up with any answers. To put more context to the situation: My boyfriend started out slowly. After he came out to me, he started shaving his legs, then it went from that to putting on nail polish, buying make up, dresses, and now he wears a purse whether he’s personifying a male or female. And…to be honest… I do find something attractive about Tim Curry in Rocky Horror, or Eddie Izzard…I like the idea of blurring the boundaries of what a male or female should look like. Yet, with my boyfriend there is no confidence (yet?). Sometimes, when he dresses up I think “Oh no, you don’t look very good in that” or I don’t find him attractive. I think it’s too early to call it quits. If I break up with him, I have to know that it is a good decision because I would be losing someone special…but at the same time I feel terrible for the way I feel. I feel like I’m not the kind of support he needs because I’m so judgmental. Anyway, I ended up ranting, maybe someone out there can give me some perspective on things.:icon_sad:
That's likely because you always expected a relationship to be 'normal' and since this is a new first-hand personal experience for you, it's difficult to adjust in totality. And that's totally okay. You shouldn't have to punish yourself for that. Maybe what will help is talk to him about it. Maybe befriend someone transgender if possible ? Support him, but at the same time when you're feeling very uncomfortable, ask him to tone it down a bit for some time. I'm sure he would understand, right ? Little compromises are how you keep a relationship going right ?
