A little background. I am biologically male and I think I might be a trans female (am I saying that right?). I'll ask about that in another thread just for that. I've idenfiied myself as straight for most of my life. I wasn't really lying or covering up anything or something like that. But over the years I've really come to feel there's more to it than I initially realized. I don't think I was supressing anything... it just didn't really have any chances to even come up for me to notice. First off, I'm definitely not a homosexual that falsely assumed they were straight. I am definitely attracted to females. But there also is some to males I wasn't really noticing before. I don't really have any sexual attraction to males, not really that I could see, at least that's what I thought since last year, more on that later. But slowly over time I noticed that I am equally able to develop romantic, not sexual or physical, attractions to either gender without much difficulty. With a strong starting indicator being how I very easily developed crushes on male and female characters in video games with romance plots (like BioWare games) when I liked their personality (since it's a game I disregard the physical appearance if it's not attractive though appreciate it anyway when it is). I've realized this a year ago. But I only really started to come to grips with the possible trans thing just recently. Again, I'll discuss that in my other thread I'll make. But realizing that has really cast me into doubts about the sexual attraction to males. I'm reasonably certain it's never going to be as strong as my sexual attraction to females. However I had written it off as just not being there at all even if I am already romantically connected to a male. I'm not so certain that I wouldn't develop a sexual attraction to a male if I develop a strong romance with them first. I didn't think so before, but I'm not sure now. I try imagining it and I'm not feeling like it'd be totally out of the realm of possiblity for me. I'm still pretty sure females would always be my preference and I'd try to start romances with them first, or least I was for the last year before this week. But anyway, saying if one... just grew with a male I was a friend with.... I don't know. What would this even make me? Bisexual? Straight leaning bisexual? Or is it homosexual since I think I might actually be female..... this all really confusing and I'm really at a loss. Hence, why I'm going through with asking for guidance here. I'm rather ignorant of what various terms are supposed to mean so if you bring any up, can you please explain exactly what they mean? A fear I've been having since realizing my likely possibility of being transgendered, is that I might... have possibly been repulsed by the physical appearance of male bodies because of how I feel about my own (I really don't like my male exclusive body parts as I discuss in my gender identity thread), and that I might actually be attracted to them just fine like I am with female bodies since I realized I am not really that opposed to the idea of being intimate with a male after finally noticing I may be trans.. I am not sure. Is.... this even a thing that happens to people in my situation? I'm totally in the dark here because I have no one to talk to that knows these things. Am I really just a non-complicated, equally balanced bisexual?
Am I allowed to post in here again in my own thread if there hasn't been a reply? I'm going to take the chance that it's okay. I think I've resolved my gender confusion. My thread on that is here if you need context. Based on what I could reason and what I discussed with the three people in my life I confided in.... what seems to be the case for me is that my ideas of my own body image has been affecting how I see people in a sexual attraction sense. With no other factors screwing it up, when I can just get to know someone for their personality without appearance or physical gender being a factor, I can easily develop feelings for anyone. Male or female. When those factors are taken into consideration though... the net result is I get more attracted to females because I'm envious of their body, it's something like what I feel like mine is supposed to be. And for males I get turned back because it reminds me of what my body is now and how much I don't like it. I think... if I fully transisitioned, and got a whole lot of support from my close friends and family, it's going to balance out. And thinking long term relationship. Like... rest of my life kind of deal, if that were to happen, I actually would rather be with a male. My older friend said this happens to transgenders sometimes and it's not surprising. I already changed my statuses here to what I've reasoned out. Going forward, I really want to work on my body image and not letting it affect my perception of others. I hate that my mind is doing that. I don't want my own loathing of the wrong body hurting someone I might care about. It should be my problem first. I'll make sure it's a topic I discuss with my confidants. but... if anyone here has any advice.... I'd be more than happy to hear it. I have absolutely no problem being bisexual. I'm perfectly okay with that. All I want to change is this stupid beating myself up over my body thing. What I don't like about myself has no business interrupting my thoughts when I'm interacting with others. I don't want to be recoiling in disgust at the sight of someone I'm falling in love with just because it reminds me of what's wrong with me! It's not fair... to anyone.
