1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Completely confused about my orientation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by KaylaElizabeth, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. KaylaElizabeth

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2016
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey everyone, I'm new here and I'm looking for some advice on discovering my orientation. It's something I've never discussed with anyone before, I'm really shy and tend to close myself off from other people. I'm a 19 year old girl, I'm a virgin, and I've only ever been on one date in my life. I'll go into my history of sexual/romantic attraction and you guys can tell me what you think. Thank you.
    Growing up I was primarily sexually attracted to women, but I when I first started fantasizing about sex like maybe 4th grade it was with men but maybe that’s only because that’s what I was told was right and I didn’t actually understand how sex worked? I was always turned on by women’s bodies and come 6th grade I stared fantasizing about sex with women and started masturbating to the thought of it and the more I learned about heterosex the lest interested I was in it. In 7th grade I stopped masturbating because I was raised Catholic and learned that it is considered a sin. I started forcing myself to picture sex with men again which was enjoyable at times, and actually made me horny, but I never desired to masturbate to it, and I think I still didn’t understand how sex worked. The thoughts about being with women would always come back and I allowed myself to have them just not act on my urges. After graduating eight grade I became and atheist and after freshman year of hs I decided that I had nothing to feel guilty about so I started masturbating again (to women) but truthfully I still felt a sense of guilt afterwards. After March of sophomore year my sex drive completely depleted. I have no idea why...I have a few theories, such as that I was on medication for acne, lost some weight, or perhaps my guilt and shyness caused me to repress it. I did not masturbate or even fantasize about sex until winter of my senior year. After that I’ve been increasingly doing it more like maybe a couple times every two weeks but not because I’m even horny, just because it’s fun and feels good. I watch porn first to get myself in the mood, and it does not take me long at all to get off. And it’s only certain “moves” that turn me on in the porn too, most of it does nothing for me anymore. Maybe watching porn has ruined it for me too? It’s frustrating that I can’t get horny on my own anymore.
    Now romantically I have bad social anxiety and have never had a crush on anyone in real life. I don’t know if it’s because I’m aro or I’ve never been close enough with another human to like them that way. I have several crushes on male celebrities, but I don’t fantasize about sex with them I just really admire them and want to be with them. The men I am attracted to are generally on the feminine side too, physically and emotionally. I like romantic movies with boy/girl couples. I could picture myself in a relationship with a man. Idk if that’s just because I was raised to believe that is what’s right. Sexually however, I really wouldn’t want to have sex with a man. There are female celebs who I admire just as the males, but I don’t desire a relationship with them, I just really admire them and want to be LIKE them. I have seen a couple of lesbian romance movies and I didn’t feel that cute fluttery feeling like I do with with hetero romances. (Although I adored But I’m a cheerleader) It upsets me that I only think of women in a sexual way. I’ve been on one date before with a guy a few months ago and I didn’t feel anything towards him and he kissed me and I really didn’t like it and now the thoughts of kissing grosses me out. But maybe it would be different if I actually liked him?
    I’m a totally femme woman by the way, don't know if that matters, but the stereotype lesbians tend to be on the masculine side. I have zero interest in masculine things. I have never desired being with a butch woman before.
    So what am I?? Lesbian? Bi? Aro/ace? I guess right now I feel aro/ace but I wasn’t always like that I used to get so horny but now I can’t unless I really try. I don’t want to die alone, the thought of finding my other half sounds wonderful, but I have no idea who I’m supposed to date! Sorry if this is long and confusing, but I have kept all of this bottled up for so long and would love some advice.
     
  2. Confusedmoose

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2016
    Messages:
    389
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Kayla,

    Truthfully only you can figure out who you are. From what you have said it seems that you are attracted to women. The feeling of guilt you have may play a big part in how you are feeling. Porn/ masturbation can just get boring if you watch/do it too much too (especially if it isn't varied)-- maybe try to stay away from it for a little while and see if you get more excited? It's ok that you don't know who you are supposed to date. You'll figure it out eventually.
     
  3. peterw78165

    peterw78165 Guest

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's perfectly OK to be confused. Some people just take a while to figure things out sexually, and there's nothing wrong with that.