Hi all, so basically I am very confused and I need to tell someone! When I was growing up I was 100% purely interested in girls; I watched porn with girls in it, and especially loved lesbian porn. However I did have a strange hobby: I went on chat sites and talked to guys pretending to be a girl. At one point I even was 'in a relationship' with one guy who sent me pictures of his cock and dirty talked me, although for me it was more the companionship, and I deleted it when he began to have strong feelings for me. I have always been very camp, and people suggested I might be gay all the time I was growing up but I was confident in my own sexuality, even though I wasn't confident with girls! (I was and am still a lil bit chubby). I even had at one point a friend at school try to experiment with me and it made me uncomfortable and I got out of that situation; I remember it strained a good friendship. In school I chased girls and into college I got a girlfriend. She was far out of my league but she suffered from bi polar depression and it was more than once that I had to drive to her house at 2 in the morning to stop her from cutting herself. It wasn't a healthy relationship; she fed off me and became happier and I became very melancholy but I was painfully in love with her. After almost a year we finally had sex, but the week after, she cheated on me with a semi professional sportsman who went on to become her bf (they lasted a year but it broke down; they do have 2 children together). That's when I became quite depressed, I went off girls and sex all together, I wasn't interested in anything/one and even started going on gay forums just to chat with guys because I was so distrustful of girls. I met one guy who lived in another country and we became good friends and then it became more than that. We would talk every day for hours, we told each other we missed each other and sent each other romantic messages and eventually we cammed. It was quite intense for a long distance relationship, and I had never been so aroused as when we cammed and jerked off for each other that I started watching gay porn as much as straight porn and for a couple of months purely gay porn. I left school during this period and became quite slim and confident from my job working at a dockyard labouring. This lasted for about a year, until I met my current gf just over 4 years ago. I was instantly attracted to her in a way I hadn't been with any girls since my first gf, although this time I was more emotionally mature. I blocked the guy on all social media, I deleted everything to do with him and sent him a big long message telling him how sorry I was and remember crying as I wrote it. I quit all gay porn and told myself I was straight and that was the end of it. We dated for a few months and after 6 months we were both in love. She is 2 years my junior and was a virgin so we went very slowly but everything we did was great. Then we started to have sex and it wasn't so good. I got hard but would struggle to stay hard throughout. I went through an internal crisis where I told myself I wasn't gay, I made myself sick, I was a mess. I wanted to lust for the woman I loved, and I did, but I just couldn't stay sexually excited. In the end she spoke to me about the problem, I blamed her and because she was sexually naive she blamed herself. Then she went to university and I only got to see her once every 6 weeks. When I did we would have sex marathons and it was so much better! We lasted the whole of her university and I have never stopped loving her throughout. However, the gay porn did creep in. I even started to talk to guys online to jerk off with. When I didn't see my gf we didn't do anything sexual over the phone or even send each other pictures; she's a bit of a prude because of her upbringing. I even spoke to guys who wanted to meet up but I know I never would have. She came back from university 2 weeks ago but has been to stay with her grandparents, so we haven't had sex for at least 2 months at this point. I currently jerk off to gay porn probably twice out of every 3 times, and am worried I won't be able to satisfy my gf like before she went away. I love her very much but as I said I'm so confused, and I think my uncertainty makes our sexual problems so much more pronounced. When I do watch gay porn as soon as I finish I feel sick in my stomach and a wave of nausea wafts over me. I could never see myself in a relationship with a guy, I am only attracted to guys when I'm aroused/horny, whereas I can watch straight porn and lesbian porn even after I've finished and feel fine. The same walking down the street; I'll eye up an attractive girl but I don't look at guys. In my head I am trying to decide whether I am straight, but bi curious or desperate for a kink? (apart from this I'm 100% vanilla in the bedroom) Bisexual or (what I fear) a latent homosexual- I say fear not because of homophobia but because of the relationship I have with my partner: I'm worried I might ruin her life by being with her if this is the case. At the moment I think when we do have sex it will have been built up in my mind so much I won't be able to perform regardless, and that's eating away at me too. I could never tell her all this because she was in a 3 month relationship with a guy who turned gay and she worries very heavily about the smallest thing. Telling her would cause the relationship to break down, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and gay bi or straight I'd never cheat on her. If anyone has any similar personal experiences or anything I'd love to hear thoughts, but truth be told I've written this out with pretty much no stopping and it's taken me over half an hour. I just needed to get it all out.
Hey man,maybe you need to relax. I mean the attraction to gay porn and forums came after a bad relationship and it kinda makes sense. To be honest I think the most important think you said is that you only find gay porn good when you are really horny,well the things I have masturbated to when I was horny..oh boy let's don't talk about that. You imagine yourself with a woman in the future right? You said you don't check out guys at all when outside,only women. You could have a normal curiosity but I don't think its something to worry about.
Hi there! This sounds like a situation that's been playing on your mind a lot. One thing that I have noticed is that you've treated your sexuality as quite black-and-white in the past. For example, telling yourself that you're 'straight and that's the end of it'. In reality, sexuality can be complex and confusing thing! Some people are lucky enough to identify as "completely" gay or straight but for a great many others it's not as simple! It's no wonder that feeling anxious over the uncertainty is having an effect on your sex life. I will say that, by nature, it would be highly unusual for homosexual people to feel sexually attracted to the opposite sex, similarly it would be unusual for someone "100% straight" to be sexually attracted to the same sex. I think you may have to open your mind to the fact that your sexuality may fall into the spectrum between 'gay' and 'straight'. Bisexual is one label that people use to describe this! One thing to consider is that bisexual people don't always like male and females 50/50 - often they'll have a preference for one gender or might only be attracted to a specific gender in certain circumstances. That's all totally normal. The reason that any attraction you feel towards men makes you feel sick and anxious may be rooted in feeling like these attractions are shameful. In truth, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Unfortunately, there is some prejudice against the LGBT community and this may be affecting how you feel about yourself. If possible, try to separate how you think you *should* feel from what you actually feel. I think you'll find that once you accept your feelings as being real and valid, you'll find things easier to figure out. One basic question that I like to use for testing your sexuality is simply this - Could you imagine an appealing sexual experience with a woman? How about man? It is possible to say yes to both and that is perfectly normal. It doesn't mean that you can't have a happy committed relationship with whoever you choose!
