Hi, I'm new here but have read various posts on the site and seems it is a great place for advice. Would be great if people could read my story and give their opinion... So basically I'm a guy in my mid-thirties and am in my first serious relationship, with a woman. Previously I thought I was gay, came out to my friends and dated a guy, but it didn't feel right. However I'm still unsure about my sexuality and it's causing me loads of anxiety, as I don't want to lie to myself or deceive my amazing partner. I've always suffered from anxiety and it's absolutely hammering me about my sexuality at the moment. Growing up I went to a single-sex school, and never felt sexually attracted to guys when we were in the gym, shower, or anything like that (looking back, I think I probably had some crushes on the guys at school, but never had any sexual fantasies). When I started watching porn about the age of 13, I always looked at women and searched for stuff involving women, although I didn't like nudity or hardcore stuff. I also tended to like really toned, athletic women (which may have something to do with the fact that my mum was an aerobics instructor and my aunt was an international athlete - maybe some oedipus stuff kicking in). I never had sex or girlfriend, and this continued through my 20s. I had a lot of anxiety around my appearance - I'd constantly be checking myself in the mirror, and I never felt like women would be interested in me. Plus sex didn't really bother me; I wasn't really interested. People started to suggest I was gay, and I figured they were probably right - after all I had no real desire to have sex with women, so I must be in the closet, right? So one day I just told my friends 'yep, I'm gay'. But nothing happened; I had no desire to go and meet guys and, when I was introduced to a guy by mutual friends, I had no desire to sleep with him either. One night he slept at my place, he wanted to have some fun but I pushed him away, the thought was repulsive - it just felt so weird. The same happened with a couple of other guys - they came on to me, I took them back to mine, but wouldn't let them do anything. We slept together in the most literal sense. In my late 20s I decided to give women a try. Again, it was a process of elimination - I didn't like the idea of sex with men, and I'd never wanted to watch gay porn, so why not give women a try? Then just over three years ago I met a girl and we've been dating since. It was my first proper sexual experience so I was nervous at first, and did anything to put it off (partly because she wasn't initially aware I was a virgin at 31 years old!) Now though, I enjoy being in bed with her more and more, and generally I'm the one who initiates stuff in bed. But we rarely have full sex (we pleasure each other but rarely get to penetration) and over time that's begun to freak me out. For the last few months I've been really stressing about my sexuality - have I made the right choice by being with a woman? Would I be happier with a man? That's led to a lot of 'checking' behaviour; I regularly make myself watch gay porn and look at images of attractive guys to see if I like it. Even though I can't get aroused watching the gay porn, I worry it might be some internal blockage that's preventing it. I also check my behaviours to see if they seem gay, think back a lot about my past to see what I really thought about male friends, colleagues etc, ad experience regular intrusive thoughts and anxiety - thoughts about what it would be like to touch a penis and stuff like that. I've been going to a therapist, who's gay himself, for the anxiety. He says I'm probably bisexual and there's nothing to worry about, I should continue with my partner and continue to develop sexually. I've read a lot of stuff about what they call HOCD, and think I may be suffering from it. But still I really worry about my sexuality. Would I enjoy sex more if I was with a man? Are these thoughts I have about penises and gay sex a sign that I have taken the wrong option? Feel free to tell me what you think. And apologies it's such a long, rambling story!
wandsworth: I'm wondering why you don't have "full sex" w your girlfriend? If you masturbate, do you fantasize about women or men? Would or have you considered opening up to your gf, like u did in your post? That may seem uncomfortable … however, when we open up to our intimate partners, it usually brings us closer. It's not easy to give you an answer to your questions about your sexuality. However, it would help if u gave some more info.
Thanks for your reply. I guess one of the main barriers to full sex is my anxiety. We start to get into it, I get excited and aroused but I start to get these intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, anxiety about my performance and it becomes stressful. I've only ever masturbated to thoughts of women. As I say, I tried to do it to gay porn and pictures of guys but it didn't work. I would do it to test myself for about 10-15 minutes and would then go to straight porn or women when I felt i'd done the 'test' for the day.
Maybe you are bisexual, but the absence of strong desire to have sex with women does not necessarily equal "gay." The way you summarized your porn interests makes me wonder if you're really that far into the gay zone. However, anxiety and panic attacks complicate the issue.
I agree w Faustian that lack of desire w a woman does not mean you're gay. Generally speaking, if a woman likes a man, she wants to be fucked good. Lack of desire or performance by the man, will drain energy out of the relationship. Again, have you discussed your anxiety w your gf? If she is loving, she could help you heal it. Is there anything that happened in your youth, that could have led to your anxiety?
I'm not a man obviously...so what I say may be of less value than if it came from a man. But, your post doesn't say gay to me. It might say bisexual...but seems more like you are straight. If you went to an all boys schools...most all boy schools are tied with a religion. So maybe you have a shame issue with sex (just sex) and it's not gender related. You whole post I saw you say you are repulse by men and when given the opportunity you are not interested and you push the man away. Images of men don't turn you on. So if real life men + fantasy men don't get you off. I would think you are not really interested in men. You said that your present sexual mate/girlfriend arouses you and that images of females arouse you. You also have state that you can't masturbate to the idea of men but can easily to women. Maybe it is time to see a sex therapist and work through these sexual feelings. It might even be wise to bring your present girlfriend to these sex therapy classes. You could be bisexual...but this is just my opinion you seem more into women than men. Even if you go to a sex therapist by yourself the therapist can give you "homework" to help explore your sexual desires and what turns you on. Also could you possibly feel shame for being in your 30's and being a virgin? I could see some men feel less like a man not having had sex by this age. I would really go to a sex therapist and have the therapist explore your sexual desires as well as open you up to sexual relations with this girlfriend. http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/what-does-sex-therapist-do Maybe even research the possibility of asexual. I have a friend identifies with asexuality. There is even a range of how asexuality may be expressed through a person.
