High school was a dark chapter in my life. I hid all of secrets within me and tried to fit in. Now that I just graduated, I realized that that was really stupid of me. Now I can tell people about my sexuality. I think I was around 10, 11, or 12 when I realized that I was attracted to guys. I knew at the time already that guys were only supposed to be attracted by girls because of the ultraconservative school I came from, so I hid those feelings from everybody all the way to high school. I came from an all-boys school, so the only way we were able to meet girls is through soirees with girls from other schools. I could have gone to some since the entire class was invited to all of those soirees, but being the reserved nerd that I was, I refused in fear that I would lose focus of my studies. So until this day, I have not been into a close relationship with a girl while some of my classmates got very close to having or currently have girlfriends. Now that high school is over, I've spent lots of time thinking about what I'm truly attracted to. On one hand, I really fall for guys. 99% of the time I jack off, it's to guys and gay porn. The other 1% is me trying to get off to women and straight porn, but it felt very weird to me. I didn't enjoy any of it. I've also never had any gay relationships because the ultraconservative environment I was in kept everybody in the closet and frowned upon guys even just touching hands. On the other hand, like I mentioned, I've never been in a close relationship with a girl. I do get to meet with girls because of the work I do for a non-profit as well as other opportunities I got during high school and a small group of girls I was dragged into by my friends. They're great people, yes, but I never imagined myself in a relationship with any of them. But I do want to get to know them more. So, I'm in this weird limbo. I'm attracted to guys more than I'm into girls, and I imagine myself spending the rest of my life with my perfect man. However, I've never gotten close to girls enough to be sure that I won't end up with a woman instead. Right now, I'm bouncing between being bisexual and being gay, and I'm not so sure what I can identify as. :help:
Hey there! I'm sort of in the same position as you. My crushes on women have been prevalent since a young age, I only ever realised what they meant once I got older. I was never excited or thrilled about men, in fact I never had close relationships with them or friendships even. I always felt uncomfortable. I too have this desire to befriend men however. It seemed to me that once I realised I was gay and came out to a close friend, I went back into this state of questioning again. After some time I came to the conclusion that I was gay, that I need to stop forcing a attraction to men. Sexuality is a complex thing, sometimes people don't fit directly into one label. What confused me is that I did have somewhat of an 'attraction' to men, but I knew that I would never feel an emotional connection or a strong physical one either. I understood that it is okay to be some neat attracted or intrigued by the opposite sex, however I prioritise women and relationships with them because I know I want to be with a woman at the end of the day. And the label I feel comfortable with is gay. I know the urge to figure out your sexuality and feel justified, so perhaps befriend some women. See if you enjoy their company just as a friend or more. Also you should compare your attractions and crushes to men and women. That's what I did. I compared a crush I had on a woman to a crush I had on a male when I was younger. I realised the feelings I got from the girl where no way as intense as what I got for the male. It was only a platonic crush and I was confused. Take your time. Hope this helps
Of course, everybody has to figure out his/her sexual orientation himself/herself, other people can't tell you what you are. Only by being honest with yourself, you can find out. However, that being said, having read your story, I think you're full gay Chances are very little that you're bisexual, I think. You write about women that you "want to get to know them more". Ask yourself why. Is it because you really, honestly believe you could be bisexual, or is it because of your conservative background, you still "hope" you can be attracted to women, too?
I agree with Tyler - you seem way more attracted by men naturally, and by women sort of because it's "what men do" (in ultraconservative minds). Perhaps the answer might only come to you when you will explore close relationships more. That means that you have to put yourself out there. Please just remember not to force any of this; only mutual and genuine attraction will help you find out who you are. Either way, whether you are gay or bisexual, just remember that it is perfectly fine. Best of luck on your journey! Please keep us updated~
It really does sound like you're gay, which is the opinion of both my wife and myself, but I don't think it's 100%. If you feel it necessary, maybe go out with some girls and see how it feels, but one thing is for sure. Run away from all that ultraconservative bs as fast as you can, they'll force you to repress yourself.
Thanks for the responses! This has been an interesting month since I've got all the free time and space in my head to ponder on my sexuality. I strive every day to get as far as I can from the ultraconservative ideology I was taught in my school. I've already finished high school there, and the university that I go to has a very active LGBT community, so I will be a very safe distance away. I've really been thinking about this a lot, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm not very sure yet how to answer that. But I'm getting there for sure. Oh and I just came out to one more friend. This time, I made myself very, very clear that I'm really confused at the moment, but I'm sure I'm somewhere in between being bisexual and gay.
