Hello When I was younger I had my first wet dream and it involved two men. Brushed this off as I was very young and understood my hormones were going wild. Once I got older and sex became a bigger part of my life I began to watch straight porn but could never orgasm. I did however begin to anally pleasure myself and really enjoyed it. I never really feeling an attraction to men thought which was confusing. I had some more wet dreams involving men and began to frantically panic I was gay so took to drinking to the point of alcoholism to suppress the dreams By this poring I had given up trying to orgasm but watched a of porn and continued pleasure my self anally. I met a girl and we dated 9 months I had trouble orgasming - it happened a few times but usually I would get hard when we kissed and fooled around and then go flaccid as soon as we began to have sex. We broke up and I decided I was definitely gay but was not prepared to begin dating men but would no longer date women. As I got older I gave it another go and had some druken one night stands with girls that ended shortly with neither of us being satisfied. When I was 21 I found some straight porn at work (I worked with truckers there was porn everywhere) and finally came through masturbation and decided I must be bi got myself a girlfriend and we were on and off for 3 years or so. I was still drinking heavily and my mother had died so they were crazy times. The sex was always very hit and miss and involved me fantasies to cum. Although they were never men only I there was always a lot of focus on the penis's I did think about just men a few times but it always made me soft. When I was 25 I came out to my mate; went to gay bar; and had a truly unfulfilling which neither of us enjoyed and ended with him asking me to leave. later that year I hooked up with another man and had a much more enjoyable encounter in which although I was never hard the memory of it arouses me to this day (I'm 35 now). After that I hooked up with a girl despite my best efforts to avoid it (my housemates had a house party that turned into the last days of rome so I said she could sleep in my bed and I found myself very aroused) we dated for a couple of months and although sex was never on the cards we did a lot of heavy petting that turned me on to point where I was worried I might rupture something. I was still masturbating to the second encounter and straight porn. I had a drink induced breakdown - decided it was because I was gay and begun dating men. I quit drinking and begun to date men actively. I enjoyed the odd encounter but was never hard, felt no attraction to the men but would be really turned on thinking about it after. That grew old and I entered into a sexual no mans land terrified to date girls as sex was so hit and miss and confused about men but although i enjoyed thinking about it after at the time i was usually bored despite fastites I used like when I was with girls. I found myself in a relationship with an old school friend who I was very attracted to and from the get go the sex was awesome but again involved fantasizing to clinch the deal ( not all the time but more often than not) and some times would just loose my erection half way through although I think this was from worrying I was going to loose it. I masturbate to gay porn and straight porn and decided after a relapse on the booze and loosing my erection during sex I must be lying to myself and I should break up with my girlfriend and peruse men again.By Monday I was having a panic attack about no longer being with her and after meeting her yesterday found myself aroused by her touch after our rendezvous. I'm assuming I must be bi (how exciting and confusing :bang and my g/f has said she twill ake me back providing I'm sure its her I want to be with and years down the line I'm not going to change my mind again.Im pretty sure this is what I want as I've never been as happy as I am when I'm with her but there is a nagging at the back of mind that I am going to change my mind again but I cant face loosing the only person I've had any connection with but cant stop thinking "you're gay get out of the closet" This week has been a nightmare I and don't want to hurt her again but I'm just so unsure of who I am and what I want. I don't fancy men and find the sex more and hit miss than with women but enjoy porn and memories of past encounters - I feel a strong attraction to women but sex requires some me to think of porn usually (I'm into fetishy stuff but thats another story) and does not arouse me after the same way being with men does but I imagine thats usually because my mind is elsewhere (there are a few encounters that push my buttons). What I think I need is some time to do some more exploring but dont want to loose my most recent g/f especially as last time I was exploring I was pretty sure I had my answer. Has anyone had a similar experience? Its beating me up and making me feel rubbish! I spoke to some of my gay friends about it and got the ole' "Love isnt binary or simple" - which I appreciate but its not helpful haha
