Hi, So a lot of stuff had been going on in my life( I was in a straight relationship for a long time-recently broke up) which made me ponder about what my goals are, who am I etc. One fine day, I was talking to my friend and telling him that I lost all interest in women (understandably because I am in depression) but maybe if I see a pic of someone with a well toned body, I would feel a sort of tingly feeling (which I do feel sometimes but rarely). I thought it was okay for a straight guy to feel that way but something from my childhood flashed back and made me question everything. When I was in 1st grade and 3rd grade(all boys school), that is approximately at the age of 6 and 8 yrs, I used to fiddle with my friends penis in class and then with another one friend in 7th grade, ie around 12 years. I remember enjoying the process and I even upped my game by going to the toilet (washroom) with him. However, that was the end of any such encounter I had with the same sex. Other than this, I was always attracted to women, watching straight porn (did not enjoy lesbian porn as much though) ,was in a healthy relationship sexually with the opposite sex for 4 years. My main concern in all of this is repressing some any feelings. I only feel attracted to the same sex if that person is looking way to good. But that's not the case with women. I feel that what I used to do in my school is something that should be overlooked and my tingy feeling that I still get when I look at some pic of some guy with Greek God looks. And if it turns out to be the case of suppression of feelings, how should I combat it? And what's the next step I should take? PS: While watching straight porn, I am not exactly attracted to the guy performing the act but rather the process of penile insertion.
Hum, complicated. Here's my take. What you do as a child, is not necessarily a precursor to your desires as an adult. I'll call your behavior when a child, "explore and discover". I suggest not putting to much weight on it. I suggest you journal all your memories pertaining to said behavior, that way you can go back and look for patterns. Unconscious patterns may show up. This way you can reflect. Example: Way before I had a clue I was gay, I journaled thoughts I had for guys. I also journaled encounters with women. After some time I looked and reflected on my journal entries. Eyes / desires for guys, 100. Eyes and semi desire for women, 2. Kind of says something doesn't it? Good luck
I'd say that kids are prone to doing stuff like that no matter what, so I wouldn't put too much stock with it. However, if you do feel that there's more to those memories than just recalling events (i.e., you wish you could do similar things now, with other men), then yeah, it could mean something. My advice is to approach this with an open mind. Preconceptions about your own identity can really get in the way of finding anything out, so don't try to talk yourself into one label or another. If you think you could be attracted to men, experiment with those feelings. Letting them sit on the back burner for too long can get frustrating. If it turns out that you feel you're suppressing anything, I'd suggest finding a therapist, or if that's not an option, look online or in self-help books.
I liked the idea of the journal entry and will look at it with an open mind and experiment a little. I am actually very good at suppressing my feelings in general and I would not like to do so now. Plus putting anything on the back burner as rightly pointed out will led to nowhere and maybe just frustration unless I do something about it. I am nervous about this, I guess but there is nothing to lose. Thanks for the feedback everyone. It meant a lot.
You were probably too young at the time to associate your "playing" with homosexuality. However what I think in general is that most of us [older] guys who played when we were young realized that a lightning bolt did NOT strike us down for same sex play, despite what we were told. Therefore there's less resistance (more acceptance?) of same sex attraction later if there was some sort of play as children.
