Looking for insight.

Hey everyone,

This is gonna be a wall of text so you've been warned:icon_wink. As I wanna tell my story as completly as possible and hopefully gain some more insight.

Okay so as far as I can remember I've always felt like I was straight. and for the most part this did always seem to be right.

In my childhood I did have two moments which could be seen as homosexual.

The first one being that I was once playing with a school friend and he asked me if he could see my penis and in exchange he would show me his. While I wasn't wild about the idea. I did eventually give in and I showed him mine and he showed me his. It did not think much of it to be frank it was mostly an okay whatever moment for me.

The seccond time was when I was watching the Tour de France and I started noticing that I liked the way the asses of the riders looked in those shorts and even masturbated to it a couple of times which felt just fine to me. After a while though I stopped doing that and for the rest of my childhood as far as I can remember I was more focused on girls.

Then about two years ago. I started to get really into hypnosis. Listening to several files that would supposedly turn me into a homosexual as the thought of that turned me on. Though that might also be because I really liked the idea of completly changing who I was at the time. Be it making myself evil or a girl or changing my personailty in any way. The thought of becoming some one opposite of how I viewed myself to be just aroused me.

However once I had listened to a certain file that supposedly made me like guys instead of girls and I got aroused by a test at the end of the file to test if you got arroused by guys now. I started to panick. Just obsesively thinking about what just happened and constantly retrying the test to try and proof to myself that I wouldn't get aroused again(which failed). Then the next day while driving home from vacation we drove to a town and I saw a guy walking on the sidewalk and thought to myself *He's cute*. Which send me into panick mode again. Constantly looking around if I still found girls to be attractive and if I found any other guys attractive(Which I both did at the time).

Since then I've been obsessed with it for two years now. Trying everything to disprove it. From blaming the hypnosis and trying to remove the hypnosis by using other hypnosis files to "dispell the previous hypnosis files effects" and trying desperatley to try and find woman attractive and guys unattractive. I've even been scouring the internet for proof of convincing me that I was either into guys or not.

since then I've been trying different strategies of how to handle my thoughts and emotions.

First I tried to just ingore the thoughts and emotions which just didn't work as I would just get overwhelemed by them eventually. Give in and be right back into the spiral. Sort of speak.

Then I tried accepting the fact that I was an homosexual. Which also didn't work as after a while my mind would not accept it anymore. Brining my yet again back into my obsesively questioning spiral.

Then I decided to just think to myself whenever my obssesive thoughts began to just think to myself "Okay cool whatever" and then try to steer my thoughts into other topics. Which gave me moderate succes. As at first I was able to stop thinking about it obsessively for months at a time. Though it would always come back.

Which brings me to now. After a couple months of not really thinking about it. I recently found myself obsessing about it yet again. However this time the strategy of just thinking "Okay cool whatever" and then trying to steer my thoughts into another direction didn't work. So instead after a while. I decided to try to view and accept myself as an homosexual. Which I've been doing for about a week now and while the panic has gonna slightly down. It hasn't completly gone yet and I still can't completly convince myself of wether I like guys or girls or both.

Now I used to think that this was just a form of my panice disorder. As I do suffer from that. I've obsesively feared dieng to an heartattack, being a smoker, my pets dieng in horrible ways and as of late my rabbits escaping and dieng in the wild do too one of my rabbits escaping and whilwe were searching for her. we heared a rabbits deathscream. luckily though she was okay and we managed to bring her back to the cage however since then every little sound that might sound a little like the rabbits deathscream I go into full panic mode untill I can convince myself my rabbits are fine.

However there are some things that make me question wether this is just one of my panick disorders:

1. When I didn't accept any attraction to guys or just ignored the thoughts I would feel no attraction towards guys and I would towards girls. Feeling butterflies in my gut etc when having a good talk with a girl.

2. However when I tried to accept and view myself as an homosexual the first time I would feel attraction to guys feling butterfleis in ym gut when around a guy that was "cute" and nearly non towards girls even feeling like my feeling s were more along the lines of having to like girls.

3. And now while I'm trying to accept and view myself as homosexual. I feel attraction to guys. Have fellt butterflies around girls. My sexual desire has increased and I find that besides sometimes still thinking girls are pretty. I do not feel sexual desire towards them at all.

So what do you all think I am? am I Bi/gay? or is it just the panic disorder playing incredible tricks on my mind?

Thanks for your input.

 

Yea tbh it kinda was. Back then I was really depresssed and seriously disliked myself so I guess that's why I really enjoyed the idea of completly chaning who I was and besides that I had always read that hypnosis couldn't make you do anything you didn't actually wanted to do.

I did talk to my doctor about this. Who bassically said "Well nothing I can do about it" and I once talked to a sort of counselor about it however it never clicked with the counselor and never really amounted to much.

 

I have never gone anywhere with girls not even so much as a hug. Though that might also be because I am a bit of a shy guy and therefor hardly socialize at all.

As for guys. I sort of had sex with a guy once to try if I actually liked it or not. It never amounted to more then a bit of hugging kissing and touching each other bodies. I did try to get into it and did get a bit of a response down there. However overall it felt mehish at best.

You know thinking about it there might actually be some truth to this as I started obsesively thinking about it again when I couldn't excersise anymore because of a back injury that has lasted almost a month now. Normally I do excersises every other day.