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I just need to hear that it's okay...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ShadowCat15, Jun 25, 2016.

  1. ShadowCat15

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi. So, I've been around for more than a year, but it took me a long time to finally register here, mostly because I was really ashamed and afraid to talk. But now I am finally starting to build courage to be more open about this, and for that what place would be better than the forum that helped me when I needed it the most?

    I apologize in advance because this might get a bit long and with grammar mistakes, since english is not my first language.

    So, I started questioning my sexuality when I 13 years old. By that time, I realized I never really had boy crushes (I honestly think i only had one, but I can't tell if it was legit, because it felt really forced) and looking back at my childhood I did have a lot of girl crushes, even if I didn't know it at the time. It was really hard for me, because I used to see a lot of homophobia around me, especially in my school and in my family, and even I was being homophobic at the time. I was always feminine (but not too much) and I got really confused because I didn't fit any stereotype, and it got me really bad. I got depressed, in denial and anxious, and I think the combination of all of this is what triggered my first panic attack.

    When I was 14, I started my first year of high school in a new school, really LGBT friendly in general. It even scared me a little bit, because I was not used to any of that at all, but it was a really welcome surprise. I started to accept that I liked girls a little bit more, but I was still really bad about it and I was good at hiding it, but my mom noticed there was something wrong with me. Being a only child, I always had a good relationship with my parents, and when she brought it up I was relieved to talk about that, but when she realized I was questioning my sexuality she was shocked, cried but said it was completely normal for girls at my age to be questioning their sexuality, and it's no big deal, since she thought the was no way her daughter could possibly like girls. Like I couldn't possibly be anything but the perfect girl she and most of my family pictured me as. So she send me to therapy, believing that maybe someone else could fix what she can't control. Oh, and she started searching my internet history too. I felt very betrayed because she made me think I could talk to her, trust her. And told me what I was feeling wasn't real and tried to fix me. I still don't trust her to talk about what I'm feeling.

    Therapy didn't work so well for me. I have a lot of trust issues (since before the thing wih my mom) and I found really difficult to talk about my feelings and conflicts to a stranger. It lasted like 5 months, and my therapist said she thought it was better if I stopped with therapy, since she said she didn't think that was what I really wanted and that she just wanted me to be happy.

    (Shit, this is getting long, I'm sorry)

    Meanwhile, in my school I felt really weird seeing all of my new friends talking about boys. I didn't feel anything with those conversations, and noticed that the chances of me being bi were very little. I don't think I'm really interested in guys (romantically or sexually), and I started to have a few girl crushes at school (they didn't really go anywhere, since I was/still am in the closet, and I'm really really shy).

    Through all of this I was still feeling very sad and lonely since I don't really have many friends and no one I really feel I can talk to about all of this. Now I am more comfortable with the fact that I like girls, but I don't think I'll be coming out in any near future, at least not for anyone in my family, since I'm really afraid to disappoint them. A lot of people say to me that I'm pretty and really smart (even if I don't believe it that much) and I can tell by the way they look at me that they expect something. And I can't deliver it, because it's just not how I feel. I wish people (including myself, especially myself) would stop putting so much pressure on me, and to say that is okay to slow down a little. That my feelings are valid, and everything will be okay...

    I didn't really anticipated that this would get long, but I just needed to put it out there, since sometimes it doesn't seem real... Thanks for your time and your patience!
     
  2. Sayonara

    Sayonara Guest

    It's okay. <3
     
  3. yuanzi

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Upstate NY
    ShadowCat15, you still live and depend on your family financially right... If so things can be hard and unfortunately there is not much you can do. Same with people at school. From my own experience, many middle and high schoolers have not yet developed their own opinions and they tend to follow whatever is popular/trendy at the time or follow whatever has been taught to them. So if you don't appear obsessed with boys/celebrities/whatever is trendy in your area, you will have a hard time fitting in.

    I remember the feeling of powerlessness when I was much younger and it truly sucked. You should think and plan for the future because there will be a day when you become independent. Keep your grades up so that you have a higher chance of getting a good education and not depending on anyone anymore (how cool is that :slight_smile:).

    I can also relate to the feeling that you are 'disappointing' someone. I was a model child with good grades and everything. I know my family have always been glad that I am 'not a disappointment'. (I am Asian and trust me we tend to have abnormally high standards for kids :slight_smile:) That was one of my biggest fears and was what held me back from coming out to them for many many years. But I finally did this year and they seem fine with it so far.

    If you live in a more liberal area, I would suggest you seek out lgbt friendly counselors/support groups/etc. But make sure it does not backfire on you and get you in serious trouble (in the case that people are not supportive or think you are insane). You know your situation better so you should assess it yourself. You sound very young so the priority is to protect yourself.

    You will meet more lgbt friendly people when you get older/move to a more accepting area and have the choice of whom you befriend. Your family may come around (mine did!). It's all gonna be okay!
     
  4. BanditWings

    Regular Member

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    Stay determined, and everything will work out. We believe in you :slight_smile:
     
  5. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    You're more than okay, you're beautiful just the way you are. :slight_smile: xoxo
     
  6. Renegades

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Don't worry. It really is okay. Even if some people in your life are close-minded, you will find that so many more people are very friendly and accepting. And it is also okay that you are not out to anybody. Coming out is one of the hardest experiences for anybody on the gender or sexuality/romantic spectrum. Its hard enough, truly realizing that you are different, let alone revealing that difference to another person. If you do come out to someone while you are still dependent on your family, make sure it isn't a relative or someone who your family has a strong influence on. Make it a friend who you know you can trust, and you are sure will be accepting. If you don't think you have any friends like that, you did say your new school is LGBT friendly. Try to make friends that you know are LGBT. It can be tough to talk to people you don't know, but you will find that many people, especially those in the LGBT community, are so much more accepting than you ever previously thought.
     
  7. UncertainTea123

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Your story sounds very familiar...

    Whoever you are, however you feel - it's okay.
     
  8. ShadowCat15

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks everyone for the replies, it means a lot!