Some advice needed on exploring myself and coming out.

LostLion · Jun 25, 2016

Hey, so usually I post these under anonymous, but it seems they get ignored when I do that :/ so I'll try my luck without the anon label.

So, I'm essentially a bisexual man (with a slight preference for men, but an attraction for both genders being present) who's struggling with moving forward with my life. I just graduated undergrad and am starting grad school in the fall and despite all of that I feel a bit trapped.

I'll bold the main points of my issues that I'm trying to sort out atm, I know I'm super wordy and people don't really have the time or will to read essays of text lol.

- I'm out as bi or questioning (When I first came out to people, I'd use the term "questioning" or "maybe gay or bi" a lot but I embrace my bisexuality now) to a lot of my college friends, including my Fraternity, but not anyone in my family or any of my friends from back home. However, despite being out as Bi or questioning to my friends (and all of them accepting me, for the most part), I feel that I have damaged my relationships with people on a personal level. I tried avoiding discussions about my sexuality despite being out to my friends or when I did have this conversations...things just felt forced. So I guess I need help exploring my sexuality or expressing to those who know in a better manner.
- My family is super homophobic and traditional. Mainly my Dad's side is very...very...very homophobic. I eventually have to come out to all of them because it's tearing me up on the inside to keep hiding my life. It's made me paranoid and it's started to affect my relationships with my family. I've been crankier and more aggressive the last 2 years. I don't think I'll be accepted but I sense a small chance that they will eventually if I come out. I want to set a timetable for coming out to the fam and a timetable to separate myself from the situation when it does get aggressive on their part.
- I want to explore my sexuality, as noted before, but I feel that the combination of my repression of my sexuality and my instinct to hide it has made it very hard for me to move forward. I really want to explore both genders, via relationships, dates or just simple conversations about sex.
- I've been with one guy, but I made the situation weird by making him, who seemed to also be not out completely, be quiet the entire time (despite being out and generally accepted by my fraternity) and then quickly making him leave after I couldn't...eh...reach the finish line (I was really nervous...). Never been with a girl because I don't to lie and say I'm straight, I want to be open about my bisexuality but also making it clear that I am interested in only firm, monogamous relationships. I just don't know how to say it.

I just feel I need to, for my own sanity, to step out of the closet completely and live my life normally. Thanks in advance for anyone who is able to comment and help me!

H20 · Jun 26, 2016

Hey, LostLion. You seem to be having a difficult time. I feel like these are all very common issues though for those who recently came out and/or is not out to everyone, so you aren't alone.

I came out as bi not long ago myself and I go through the same feeling of unease or awkwardness about talking about my sexuality or reminding others of it. Perhaps having little/no experience makes it harder to be comfortable or confident with it yourself, which is resulting in not wanting to bring it up. It's likely one of those things you need time to ease into, because even though you have come out, just by reminding others or being with another guy is sort of like coming out again and again (and letting others know this is a serious and real thing). It's scary, and I don't know if you feel the same as I do, but it's like every time I bring it up, I feel like I'm being critically judged or like it's the elephant in the room, but taboo to discuss after the first time.

I've been told it's just something you have to get used; like practice coming out over and over. And if you're worried about what others are thinking, like your family, then you might be psyching yourself out. Maybe practice coming out to yourself in the mirror until you feel completely comfortable saying it? Like, try making it seem like it's not foreign?

As for wanting to explore your sexuality, you could also try dating apps. A lot of them aren't just used for dating either; you can use them to find friends nearby. It's great to be openly bisexual with any potential partner, but unfortunately there's a lot of biphobic or monosexual (I think that's the right word) individuals who refuse to accept or date bisexuals. They either think it's gross or not real and you're just hiding that you're actually gay when you're not. And there's some people who (whether you have or haven't sex with the same sex) assume you've had sex with the opposite sex and think it's gross and won't be with you. I went to school with a girl who specifically told me and another bi guy that she would never date a bisexual guy because she thought it was nasty for a guy to have anal sex, either as a giver or receiver, and didn't want to have sex herself with someone who had anal sex.

It can be ridiculous at times, which is why online or app dating could be useful because it's easier to find people who won't mind as much, and you can always ignore the ones who do.

Now, as for coming out to your family, that's tricky. If you live in a dorm, being away at college could be an advantage for you. You can wait until summer is halfway through or almost over, and then come out. This way you have some time to talk about it before you go off, and if they're not accepting right away, you could use that time for them to work through it and you can call and talk to them about it. Now if you live with them or go to a local college, you may have to face some chaos if they don't take it well. I understand keeping it from them can be painful and unbearable, but if you do rely on them financially or for housing, and you are unsure they will be accepting right away, then maybe wait until you aren't relying on them. That is unfortunately a problem you would have to consider.

I, however, don't know if I'm the best person to give advice on coming out to a traditional, conservative family. There's a coming out section here on Empty Closets though and you could post a new thread specifically for coming out help or read through some older threads. Nonetheless, I would also make sure you want to come out because you really WANT to, and feel comfortable doing so, rather than come out because you FEEL like you HAVE to. It's ultimately you decision; just be sure it's your own choice and not a choice made from any outside pressure. Also, I've heard others recommend having someone who already knows and you can trust to be there with you or nearby when you talk to them if you need moral support; if only for them to support you to come out or help you talk to them about it.

Good luck.

LostLion · Jun 26, 2016

Hey, H20, thank you for responding!

I definitely feel the same way you have described! It does really feel like coming out over and over again. From my fraternity brothers only one (he's pretty liberal, for a country dude) seemed to real get where I was coming from despite him being straight. I feel like straight girls understand things like this better as well, compared to straight guys (not just bisexuality, but LGBT+ in general).

Thankfully, I've been able to get to the point in this process where I am content with my sexuality. I always joke that it just doubles the amount of fish in the sea to choose from, haha. My current problem that I am really facing is the coming out to family part.

In my family, just apart of the traditional culture, it is a thing to not only meet our dating partners but also to really get to know them which is why I want to come out to them eventually and go through the almost certainly difficult path to acceptance with them. I don't want to feel like burdening a girl with my bisexuality by not letting her talk about it to family (as I said, I do not want to leave a girl in the dark about it.)

Obviously, with a guy it would be much more difficult, but either way dealing with my family's hardline views will be something I will have to face eventually. It is the only way I'll be able to move on.

Thankfully, since I've just finished undergrad and am starting grad school I'll likely be living in a single apartment, which creates a separation barrier from family if need be when I come out. However, I had this in college too and I still found reasons to not be active in exploring my sexuality or coming out more formally.

I do still rely on them financially, but if I was forced to leave grad school, I'd be able to get a job, I think, I had a decent amount of interest built up from some employers I applied too while applying for law school. Wait, actually, I filed student loans under my own name this time, so I think I have a bit more independence from them in that regard, but I'm not sure.

I like your practice suggestion. I really need to start doing that. All my previous coming out experiences have been, at least in part, fueled by alcohol (which is bad, never come out drunk), and that would be a horrible way to come out to the fam lmao. So I'll definitely start preparing a rehearsing how to come out to family.

Is there anything else that could help me? I really want to plan out coming out to my family, especially my parents, but I think coming out to less anti-LGBT members (like my sister, maybe some cousins?) might be more beneficial, no?

In relations to dating apps, I've tried a lot of them, LGBT-Oriented ones and other ones that aren't LGBT-Oriented.. I've struggled to really make meaningful friendships or contacts on there. Does anyone have some tips on how to use these apps properly? I feel like I'm not good at it lol.

I like your suggestion of actual dating sites (Like ######### maybe). I think there is a more narrowed down field and more mature audience to choose from, so I'll definitely have to look into starting a profile.

Thank you so much for responding! It's good to be able to talk to people about this more in depth. I'm the type of person who has always pushed my emotional health to the curb and I think it's time to seriously take it on soon.

If anyone else has anything to add or suggest, I'm all ears! I've been on EC for almost 2 years, but I feel very much out of the loop with the community due to my own fault.

H20 · Jun 26, 2016

I imagine coming out to your family drunk would have many pitfalls. Haha. But as you mentioned, coming out to those in your family who seem less anti-LGBT first would probably be beneficial indeed. You don't have to have a group session; you can do one by one if you feel up to it.

Also, I remembered that EC has a coming out resource which you may find useful. I'm not sure. I come from a family who are conservative in politics, but liberals in lifestyle if that makes sense. There's also a coming out stories forum on EC that you might find helpful. Whether you read them or watch them on Youtube or something, hearing another person's story on how they came out could help you or motivate you some more.

If I think of anything else to add or resources you might be able to you, I'll post again!

LostLion · Jun 26, 2016

Thank you again!

Ha, yea, drunk coming outs always ended with so much craziness lol.

Some advice needed on exploring myself and coming out.

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Some advice needed on exploring myself and coming out.

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