I want to date women but I don't want to admit I'm not straight.

OK even reading the title of the thread it doesn't make much sense. I've never been with a woman but I really want to be. Not as a hookup or experiment (not that there is anything wrong with that per se). I want to date a woman and I have wanted this for a really long time and never acted on it except having a few coffee dates that didn't go anywhere. I am not interested in dating men right now.

But for some reason every time I say I'm anything but straight I kind of panic and I feel like I'm lying. And I'm not sure why? I'm not saying I'm completely not afraid of homophobia or biphobia, sure I am, but I don't think that's all that's going on. It's not my family not accepting it (my son already knows and is not straight either, and that's my whole family). I have friends online who all know. But anyway it's not even that I can't come out to other people, I can't come out to myself. I don't think it's wrong to be queer but I can't believe I am.

I went to a lesbian chat group a while back and panicked and almost left. I was looking around at the women and saying "I'm not attracted to any of these women so I must be straight and they're going to get really mad if they find out." I told myself that I was straight and it was my OCD making me think I wasn't and I needed to accept being straight and I promised myself I would never go back to groups and I would stop questioning. (I do have OCD but I don't think it's connected to my sexuality when I think rationally about it.) Well, as you can see that promise didn't last. I've gone to other groups and panicked less but it's still really hard.

Well I won't go into every instance of me being afraid to come out to myself because it has happened to me so many times. I just don't know how I am ever going to get over this.

I don't mean to run on and on. I just want to come out to myself and I thought this would be a good place to say so.

 

Yes I can really relate to what you're saying too. I worry that I won't be believed, and I worry things will get awkward with people. Or people might assume I'm in a relationship or I have been (though why that would bother me I'm not sure.)

Also usually when I read about people coming out they always seem to say they knew when they were really young and they fell in love with their same-gender friends in school and none of that is me. (Granted, coming here I found other people who did not know when they were really young and that has helped.)

My therapist asked me today to say something positive about myself and I couldn't do it. I felt like anything I said would be a lie. It's the same feeling I get when I say I'm bi or gay. I don't know what that means though. Maybe it means that I want to date women but I feel I don't deserve to. I'll have to think about that.