I just need to write this out, I'm sorry its long. I haven't gone on a date with a guy for a long time, or kissed one drunk which I normally do a lot. After the last of both of those I told myself it had to be the last time, I had to accept how wrong it felt and to stop kidding myself. The last time I was out I got close with a girl, but nothing happened. I wish it had. Most times when I'm drunk I just don't think about getting with people, I'm neutral and I do not care. The other 30% of the time I am fixed on girls, but then I get sad, maybe cry and inappropriately come out to someone as very confused. So I prefer just to be a non-sexual, much happier drunk. I like to fantasise about girls. But it's never a person I really know. For example, someone I went on an awkward date with ages ago, that I more like the idea of her. I can get electric butterflies when even just think of her for a second, even though I didn't like her when I met her. But when I think of a guy friend I kind of like, that I love flirting with, I feel nothing. Actually I have to force myself to think of him, but I get a bit rush when I talk to him and thats in real life, but its not butterflies. How can a made up girl (because I've since sort of ignored what I didn't like about her, and kept the bits I liked) make me feel giddy so easily? Its crazy. Could it be because I'm excited that she liked me?/like having someone to fantasise about. Girls that aren't made up, that I know well and are very hot/I've been sexually intrigued about them before- don't give me the feeling. It's the same as with guys. I've always had this thing where I can sort of like a girl/guy, but my attraction can be put out instantly. Especially if I find out they'd never be interested in me e.g. a guy having a gf, or a girl being straight, or even seeming straight, or them seeming too cool/different from me. I don't know if its a self-preservation thing. Like a guy, I can get excited about, get a thrill from flirting with him, but I soon just like them as a brother. Or there was one girl who I kissed who I didn't know if I liked, but as soon as she showed she wasn't interested, I suddenly really liked her. However there was one exception, this girl I was creepily obsessed with for 4 years as a teenager. Honestly I am fully sick of all this. I just want to like people and be happy. I was getting comfortable with liking girls and then I swing full circle and fall flat on my back. And I'm getting old. I hate those close to me not knowing that I like girls but I just feel so unsure of it all to come out to more people.
