This is really long, but I feel like I really need to talk about this and get some insight. I don't really have anybody to really talk about it so that's why I'm making a thread I think I mistaken my friend's affection for something else. Tbh I feel so embarrassed, I feel like I should've known. But the lines between platonic and romantic were do blurred. Like she could do the same thing to her friend and her bf but it would have to completely different meanings. I know she told me that saw me as a sister but I never had a close friendship with someone. I'm not even exactly sure when I started liking her as more than a friend. She always gave me a sense of security. I feel like I could be myself, be weird because I knew she was a weird person, so I guess she couldn't really judge me? I think that was a better big thing, because I had anxiety(which was already improving at that time) I felt like I was treated as an sort of equal? I honestly felt appreciated, wanted, loved. I always felt people were friends with me because they felt bad for me and I had to be looked after.. With her I could always share my problems and i'll always feel better afterwards. She wouldn't make me feel bad about it. We could laugh about silly little mess-ups that would happen. Whenever I made a mistake, it would just a funny story I could tell her, and wouldn't feel like the end of the world. I became more confident, and actually began taking on more leadership roles in the classroom, which was like "wooh" for me because I never imagine myself being the leader. I felt like I could always achieve more, I felt like I had a lot more energy and motivation to do things. She made enjoy hugs which was something I was iffy about, and made me like the color pink. We exchanged sweaters and kept them until the next day. Her sweater and was pink, and I've always sort of against wearing anything that was pink and I found out I looked good in it. When she gave it back, she said it smelled like me. She said that in a sweet kind of way, later said I smelled like flowers, or vanilla. But I found it weird at first because I didn't think that would be something you casually tell someone? We were really affectionate with each other. I wasn't usually affectionate with me friends, I didn't really give hugs. I guess because I usually keep everyone at a distance. I could tell she that being affectionate was sort her usual thing between friends, especially close ones(I just didn't know how affectionate). I really enjoyed hugging during that time, especially when I get hugs from her. It always cheered me up and sort of give me energy or motivation? It's different now, I feel awkward hugging someone though I think I'll still enjoy a hug from her. Besides hugging a lot, she would sleep on my back, shoulder(I doubt that was comfortable though since I'm small), lap from time to time. I really enjoyed being close to her even though I would get tired of trying to support her weight.xp We'll give kisses to each other a few times. Which started as a joke that we played on another friend of ours. We'll also have a Skype slumber party kind of thing, and we'll leave it on as we fall asleep. Sometimes I told her I wanted a hug or cuddle, and she'll hug her phone. I know one time we Skyped in the morning, and we both haven't gotten out of bed yet. I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me to. I told myself that I meant it platonically, and nothing more but I felt like I liked her more than that. I was really confused because I never had a friend I was this close with. So! I thought "fuck It!" I'll just follow my heart. What a mistake. This lead up to something that I regretted doing. Well, it might of not of been that bad, probably could of been worse in the eyes of other people. But this is so embarrassing. While I was at her house, I asked her if I could kiss her, and at that exact fricken moment her mom walked in to go into the kitchen. We were in the living room. I asked her in a soft in soft voice, so I'm not sure if she heard or not. My friend asked why, and I just said I thought it'll be nice. She said nope, sorry. She didn't react negativity, she just smiled at me, and we continued playing video games. I felt so ashamed that I asked her that, and I kept telling her I was sorry, she kept asking for what, and that it was fine. I usually don't do things without thinking about it first, which is I guess is why I reacted badly. I don't think about what to do or say, I just do it when I'm around her. Months after that she was less affectionate than she used to be. We'll still hug and stuff but not as much as we used to. Eventually our friend group ended up drifting apart. I'll use to hang out with her and her new group of friends every now and then. Now she just ignores me. Edit: I put this in the wrong forum OTL.
For what it's worth, I don't think you did anything wrong here. You felt like you were getting signals, you put yourself out there, and you got a response. It wasn't the response you wanted, but it's a good thing that you were willing to give it a shot (definitely not a mistake)! Maybe it would be worth spending some time thinking about why she in particular made you feel more comfortable with things (wearing pink, hugging, and so on). Is it just the experience of feeling attracted? Was she different than people you know? Etc. etc. Maybe she was giving you a hint of something that would be good to have in your life, and maybe you can find it elsewhere. Point being, you can still grow from the experience, even if it didn't lead where you were thinking.
