Hi, so this is going to be a long post. I'm new here (clearly) so I want to apologize if I'm using this forum incorrectly. Frankly, I'm sick of all this indecision and I want to be ready to figure it all out and come out. I am a 17 year old girl from England trying to know if I'm a lesbian. I've been struggling with this for around 2 and a half years now. Increasingly through this period of time, I have become more and more focused on girls. I check out girls a lot, both celebrities and in real life, I have had intense feeling romantic crushes on girls in real life too. I have had a couple of minor crushes on real life guys, but it's not the same kind of feeling. BUT I do have a lot of big celebrity and fictional guy crushes (i'm into Kpop so I like a lot of boy bands), and find a few guys irl hot + fantasize about them but not as often as with girls. I have obsessive thoughts trying to compare who I like more everyday and it's frustrating as hell. I briefly researched HOCD but that seems like it's either a myth or more of a problem for people who don't want to be gay (Not true in my case, I have no problem with being gay). What I am most afraid of is that i'll come out but it will turn out i'm completely straight, that i'm faking it, convinced myself i'm gay because of all the 'gay media' I consume on tumblr, internet + tv. I also feel like i'll have to 'give up' my fangirling over all my favourite cute guys after I come out. I managed last week (with the help of a lesbian friend of my older sisters) to come out to one of my best friends at a party. I'm a very emotional person so I cried a lot lol. A few days later, I told another friend. I tried yesterday to tell another friend but I freaked out with anxiety and couldn't, she said 'whatever it is you're clearly not ready to tell me'. So now I just feel dumb. I wanted so badly to be ready, but maybe i'm not? I know there's no rush but it's just frustrating. I also know, bisexuality is a thing, but for some reason that label just doesn't sit well with me. + 99% of coming out stories I find seem to start with 'I always knew I was different since I was little ... blah blah etc etc' but this was not the case at all for me!!! UGH I wish I could just be sure either way. I think that's everything I needed to get off my chest. Keeping all this bottled up is not a nice feeling, as I'm sure many of you will know. Thank you for reading my rant and any wise words you can offer are appreciated. And again, sorry if I'm not using this forum correctly. I'm not really sure where else to turn.
This was absolutely the right site to come to for this, and I can really relate to your situation. I know it is very frustrating. First, I don't think you have HOCD either. I looked into that about myself, but I think it's just questioning and stress. I experience many of the same doubts you're experiencing, like feeling like you're making it all up or convincing yourself. I just want to say, from reading what you've wrote that it is clear to me that you are not making things up. And regardless, "making things up" implies just doing something for attention and it being completely untruthful, which is clearly not true in most cases when someone is questioning their sexuality. When someone forms thoughts/doubts about their sexuality, it comes from somewhere, and those feelings are real and valid, regardless of what the outcome may be. I also understand not really wanting to be bi, even if it may fit better. It's like you get so stuck in one mindset and way of thinking about yourself and you're afraid for that to be different. But you have to remember that your sexuality, or the culture surrounding it does not define you as a person. Also, I don't know if this is affecting your thinking or not but it's something to consider: that there is a lot of undue criticism against bisexual girls. Bi erasure aside, a girl who has sex with men is almost considered less than a girl who has sex with women exclusively. Even within the lesbian community, many girls celebrate "gold star" status (never having had sex with a man). These ideas are toxic and only perpetuate the "masculinity means power" and slut-shaming ideas in our culture. Having spent a lot of time consuming media directed at lesbians, as well as simply seeing these other ideas in our culture, it is natural to become very comfortable with a lesbian identity, and less comfortable with the idea of being bisexual, even if it is more true to how you feel. Remember, who you want to have sex with or who you want to love does not make you any more or less than a person. I don't know if that helps or not, but definitely something worth thinking about anyway. I think what's especially hard is the society we live in makes us feel that we have to be sure and that we owe others an explanation for everything we do and feel since we don't have the "traditional" orientation. That's not the way it should be. You don't owe anyone anything and it's okay to learn new things about yourself and change in the future. Maybe you could try out the labels queer, or questioning. It might help if you're at a point where it's hard not to think of your orientation without labels. Labeling as these at different times has helped me, even just to myself. In fact I haven't said my orientation out loud to anyone in quite a while. I've just been focusing on what labels will make me feel less stressed, and it's okay to do that. It's also okay to come out as questioning or queer. If that's what feels best for you then that's fine! Also remember, labels were created as an attempt to define the wide range of complex emotions and feelings a person can have at all times in their life. We shouldn't try to fit our feelings into narrow labels. Instead, we should first get to know our feelings for what they are and if a label seems to fit them then great! But it's okay if none do. So be patient with yourself and go easy on yourself, and remember that it is 100% okay to be exactly where you are right now, and that if you're feeling stressed about explaining your orientation or making mistakes, that these are problems with society, not you. I wish you the best, and I encourage you to continue coming on this site if you have more questions. It's definitely a good place for that and I'm here to chat if you ever want to (once you make 10 posts you can chat on peoples' walls).
Sweety, don't feel the pressure to label yourself. Labels can help you feel better at understanding yourself but they also take a long time to solidify. I am going to tell you two things from a psychological point of view (as this has helped me deal with many things myself). 1. In women, the brain (prefrontal cortex) does not finish developing until 22-26 years of age. This means that as a person you will change drastically between now and then. Along with this is your sexuality, as it falls into the category of identity (the prefrontal cortex is responsible for this). 2. In a person's teenage years and into young adulthood there is a stage of development according to Erikson called identity vs identity confusion, wherein a person's primary "theme" of thought revolves around finding an identity. Where am I going with this? You are completely normal. You also do not need to know these answers right away. I identity as a lesbian but I was not entirely aware of my sexuality until I was almost 22. Is being bisexual something to be a shamed of? Absolutely not. However, listen to your gut. If you feel this way now and feel comfortable with it then that is what you should go with. Also, don't feel the pressure to tell other people or to even decide for yourself. I am "out" so to speak but that does not necessarily mean that I want everyone to know about my sexuality. The way I see it, it doesn't really matter and it isn't anyone's business. How you decide to label yourself is your choice. Enjoy this ride in becoming more comfortable with your sexuality! We have all been through it or are going through it. It is nothing to be a shamed of.
Thank you for the replies, it helps. I'm beginning to think that wanting to be ready to come out might not be the same as being ready. Which is... annoying. Before all this started (at least consciously) I had crushes on guys, but as I said before, mostly celebrities. I have always felt that thing of wanting to have a significant other that people talk about, but I guess never specifically about guys. But now, I feel that about girls, and become obsessed with fictional lesbian couples from tv shows. I have this memory, from back in 2014, I was sitting watching a film in the early hours of the morning at a sleepover (slumber party as they are called in the US), with a girl (who I had a huge crush on) and she said, rather forlornly, 'I want a boyfriend'. I said 'Me too' but I didn't mean it. Pathetic I know. ugh. It's almost like if it weren't for the celebrities I like then I'd be perfectly happy to just say 'yep, I'm gay', because my real life crushes on guys are rare or easy to ignore. But I see a guy like Chris Pratt or one of the cute guys from my fave kpop groups performing and it's just like 'don't be stupid, you're not gay, how could you be'. Is it possible I only like them because of how they are presented to me in music videos and movies? Can I love boy bands and still be gay? Or am I just wishing I was because it would be easier if things were black and white??? I shouldn't treat this like my freakin' diary, so sorry for that. Also, I'm fully aware I sound like quite a t*at (no idea if you can use 'bad language' here) when I write. I promise i'm not irl.
Hey, don't worry about it Using it as a diary is kind of the point in a way and it can be really helpful. If you need to get your thoughts out then go right ahead! And I promise, you don't sound like a t*at as you said I hope you are able to feel better about things in the future. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you to not be able to define your feelings in some concise label. Society just makes us feel that way I guess. You'll figure it out, I promise. And wether that means finding a label that fits well or coming to see yourself more clearly without labels, it'll all be okay. Remember that there are so many other great things about yourself that you know and have experienced beyond just sexual orientation. Good luck, and try not to put so much pressure on yourself. When you find yourself doing that, ask yourself, "is this something I can change?" If no, then you know you're being too hard on yourself. If yes, then it may help to make it more clear what could help you. I hope all is well and that you have a great day. Best wishes<3
