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Hetero relationsip, but questioning if I'm gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ConfusedCat, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. ConfusedCat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2016
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    Location:
    PA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    So...Hi.

    I was wondering if any other women out there are questioning if they're gay, but are also in a committed, long term heterosexual relationship?

    I've known I'm bi for a long time, even though I've never had a relationship or sexual/romantic experience with a woman. I've always dated men. Long term relationships, too. My current relationship with a man has been going on for 7 years.

    But we never have sex. We used to when we first started dating, but it's been years since we have now. I don't want to- I don't even like kissing him. However, I love him very much and often envision us getting married and living together... But anything sexual makes me very upset and anxious. I just don't feel right.

    I finally told him this, and that I am worried that I might be gay. He was supportive, but has since become incredibly clingy and keeps trying to fix our relationship by suggesting sex therapy (which I do want to do, anyway) and by trying to change and be more open about how he feels about me. It's making me feel even more guilty for having these thoughts about wanting a homosexual relationship. What if I find out I'm gay and have to leave him? That's my worst fear. He's so wonderful.

    I keep thinking it's all in my head. I've never been with a girl, so how can I think I'm gay? How can I be so in love and emotionally attracted to men if I'm gay? Don't all women not have much of a libido? And don't most women think penises are unattractive?

    I'm just very confused and extremely worried I'll end up realizing I'm gay. Or I'm worried I'll leave him because I think I'm gay, and then find out I'm not. Then I've lost the most important person in my life. He's doing everything he can to bring us closer and to fix the other issues with our relationship. And all it's doing is making me try to repress these thoughts about my sexuality so I don't hurt him. Or myself.

    Any advice or just... confirmation that I'm not entirely crazy would be much, much appreciated.
     
  2. HappyGirlLucky

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2014
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    Location:
    Finland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC!

    I am not in your situation but if you come over to the LGBT Later in Life area you will find that there are several women exactly in the same position as you right now. They will be better able to support you in this than I can, since they know exactly how it feels.

    I can however tell you that you are not crazy. What you are going through right now happens a lot more often than you would think because women are expected by society to marry men. I have also identified as bi previously despite not actually being sexually attracted to men, but because I could form deep and meaningful friendships that I confused for romantic love. I can also find a few of them aesthetically pleasing to look at, like a piece of art, not something I would ever want to have sex with.

    Whether you are gay or not is something you will figure out in time, hanging out here will probably help you figure it out faster. But for now I really suggest you come on over to the Later in Life forums and meet the wonderful women over there. :slight_smile: