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Please help. I am so confused. What should I do?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SimpleStar, Jul 3, 2016.

  1. SimpleStar

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    Hi everyone! This is my first time posting here and so I am not sure how to start but basically my problem is that I think I am starting to develop feelings for my guy best friend? And this is really driving me crazy right now since I have always thought of myself as straight and I have only been attracted to women until maybe now. I'm so stressed that I failed a major calculus exam last week and I NEVER failed a calculus exam (or any mathematics exam) before. NEVER in my life. I have been stuck in a repetitive cycle of "I think I'm falling for him" going to "Nah, I am certainly not." for almost 6 months now and it is driving me insane. So I finally decided to seek outside help (by outside help I mean surfing the internet for answers because I really don't want anybody I know to know about this) and I found this site and I figured I should probably give it a try. Please I need your insights and advice.
    So I have this best friend and let's just call him Marc and we have been friends since high school (I was 13 years old then, now I am 21). Which was very strange since I was such a bully in high school and I basically terrorized most of my batch mates and Marc was so kind and an over-all good person. We were so opposite that until now I find it unbelievable how this guy managed to tolerate me in those days. Thankfully I grew up and although I still have attitude problems and anger issues, at least I'm not as evil as before. Yes I used the word evil. That's how messed up I was in high school.
    Despite our differences, Marc and I became best friends and I liked being with him because he was the first person to ever believe that there was good in me. He never gave up on me. He changed me. He inspired me to do good and be good even though God knows it was very hard for me to do. He challenged my views in life. I used to think only of myself and I never cared about the feelings of others but he made me realize that life is not just about me. And many more. But I never really imagined myself falling for him. I have always been attracted to girls and I have dated a lot of girls in the past (my last longterm relationship ended September of last year) and I have always considered myself straight until now.
    About November of 2015, Marc found a job very far away from his house but very near my condo and so he asked me if he could stay in my place and just pay rent to me. Since I was the only one living in my condo and I had enough space for us both, of course I said yes and we made the arrangements. How could I say no to my friend? :lol: So fast forward to December, I had an accident in one of my football practice and injured my right leg and with the help of karma it was coupled with a serious case of a flu which turned me into a helpless child. I did not have the energy to get off the bed and even if I did, I had a very hard time moving around the place. Of course, my parents were on a business trip as usual and I do not have any siblings to take care of me and so I felt really helpless and worthless. But Marc was there. He took care of me. He cooked me food for breakfast and lunch before leaving for work then he'd bring dinner for us both when he returned. He'd send me links of funny youtube videos while he's at work to make me smile and take my attention away from how miserable my situation was. He'd occasionally give me a short call asking me how I was doing and if he needed to go home to help me. He really cared for me and made me feel important and that was when I think I started to develop feelings for Marc.
    "Am I falling for this guy?" I found myself thinking this a lot. There were times when I wake up in the morning and find my arms wrapped around him (we share a bed) and everything feels right. I noticed how amazing this guy is. I noticed that he was such an attractive guy. I noticed how good he smells. I noticed that he had such dreamy eyes and he looks so perfect in the morning while I watch him sleep. Everything felt so good and so right and yet at the same time they felt so wrong. It was a paradox. I could mention a lot more examples but I feel like this post is already too long. :lol:

    This is what I've been going through since late of December until now and this is really driving me nuts because I never asked for this. Am I gay? I am so not ready for this. I really don't know what to do guys. I need your help. Should I tell him about this? Should I just bury these feelings and pray they would go away in time? I don't know. I feel like I want to cry some times just thinking about this. :tears: A part of me says that I should tell him that he could no longer stay in my condo and that he should find another place because I can't stand seeing him everyday. It is killing me inside that I want to hug him so tight so badly but I couldn't. It kills me that I want to kiss him and hold him but I couldn't. It is mental torture for me to see him everyday and not being able to tell him how I feel. He is beginning to challenge my identity the same way he challenged my views in life. This guy is really something. Help me please.


    I'm sorry if my english isn't that good and this sounds like a mess. English is not my first language and I am having a really hard time expressing myself here and explaining things to you guys.
     
  2. okashii

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    I think you are bisexual, and demisexual with men. That would mean you are normally attracted to women, but to men only after forming a strong emotional bond.
    I think you shouldn't tell him yet. Try to find out if you have any chances with him first, for example when there's a movie on TV that has a gay relationship, watch his reaction. If he doesn't seem to mind, it probably means he isn't homophobic. Then you could try to tell him.
     
  3. AlmostBlue

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    It must be a struggle to realize you might be in love with a guy when you've considered yourself straight all these years. I think it's not that important to try to determine your sexual identity at this point. Sexuality is very complicated and in many cases fluid, and one only chooses the label that one feels comfortable with. What's more important at this point is to sort out how you feel about your friend, and how to proceed from there.

    From what you've described, it does seem like you care about your friend very much, and I think that's a great think. Regardless of gender, to be able to feel this way is always special and a great learning experience as well. I hope you can embrace it!

    It also seems like you really want to tell him, and from the way you describe your friend, I have a feeling he will take it well. If this is torturing you so much, I think it's fine to let him know how you feel, and then discuss together what you two should do next. You could talk to him in person, or write him if you can't do that, but either way, maybe you can think about this more. Good luck!
     
  4. SimpleStar

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    I'm sorry but this is the first time I've heard of the term demisexual. Can you or anyone else point me a link to an article discussing it thoroughly? Thanks

    I don't think he is homophobic because he's kind to everyone. But he might act differently if he were to know I have feelings for me and this scares me a lot. Regarding your advice, I do remember one time when we were watching Game of Thrones and there was this intimate scene between two guys and he yelled "Gaaaay!" and we both laughed. I dont think that means he's homophobic though.
     
  5. SimpleStar

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    Hi, if I do decide to tell him about my feelings, what do I tell him exactly in a way that doesn't make him uncomfortable? I really am a worrier and I'd like to think and plan every step first before making the move. Thanks
     
  6. SHACH

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    Please please please put paragraphs in your long posts. Long posts without paragraphs are unreadable. They take far too much energy to concentrate on.
     
  7. thinkreal93

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    Hey.
    This is not about sexual orientation at all IMO.

    You're just falling for him. That's not because you're gay, it's because love is not limited to sexual orientation.

    About telling him, I suggest start being more and more affectionate to him, physically & psychologically. If you want to gather info about his attitudes towards homosexuality, you got to be subtle. Don't be like "oh let's watch this gay movie and talk about gay celebs" and next day "I've fallen for you". That might creep him out.
    So show him more affection and step it up after a week or two, and then step it up further more , so that he may perceive that you're being closer & closer to him, so when you finally tell him it won't be a shock for him.
     
  8. AlmostBlue

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    You might relate to this : I'm An Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell In Love With His Best Friend) - mindbodygreen.com

    I think you could tell him directly what you've told us here. You thought you were straight but recently you've developed feelings for him and that it's confusing you, but you thought you should tell him to be honest, especially as you two are living together. You can then see how he reacts and take it from there. These situations are always prone to be uncomfortable, and you can't avoid that entirely. However, many good things can come out of this uncomfortable situation so you shouldn't feel like it's just a burden for your friend. If he's always been the one to encourage you to be better, then I'd imagine that he'd encourage you now to tell him, or in a similar situation like this.
     
  9. SimpleStar

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    Wow. Thank you for that link. What that guy felt is what I am exactly feeling right now. I could relate to a lot of what he said and there was this one line that stood out for me: " I love him for who he is, not what he is. We’re more than our gender. We’re more than one attribute. And sometimes we need to remember that."

    Although I'm not so sure if I have the courage to choose 'love' like he did. I'm not even sure yet if this is love. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm afraid of what my future would be if I choose to tell him about my feelings. I'm living in a predominantly Catholic country and my family is very conservative so I'm terrible afraid of what they might think of me. My father would be surely devastated if he were to know that his only child is not straight.

    But I have to decide. I can't live like this forever. I need to think this through and pray hard so that I'd make my next moves with a clear mind. Thank you guys. You've really helped me a lot in facing this problem and I really value all of your advice. You have no idea how much they mean to me. I'm glad I stumbled into this site. Wish me luck. And courage too. Lots of both.
     
  10. mvp 447

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    If you're in love, you're in love. It certainly sounds like you are. Congratulations; it does not matter if the person has a "hoo-hoo" or "haa-haa". Damn society and be honest with yourself.
     
    #10 mvp 447, Jul 8, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2016
  11. AlmostBlue

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    Good luck! This must be so hard and I think you are already very brave for tackling this issue head on. Take your time to think it through, and we're here if you ever need to talk again.