Hello, I'm new around here and I think this is the right section so here goes nothing. The other night I went out with a friend who we'll call M. M has always inferred that he might be bisexual to me and has made passing comments but time and time again I've turned him down because I've never found guys attractive. The other night I was hanging out with M and I got very drunk. It was the drunkest I've been in a long time. I've been dealing with some minor depression and I haven't been doing well with ladies lately either and I've been feeling pretty lonely. So on our way home M kind of makes a couple of comments again and to make a long story short we kiss. It's now been two days and I've never felt more disgusted with myself in my entire life. Partially because Sober me would never ever think of kissing another man but also because In a sense I kind of feel violated. I don't think I ever wanted to kiss a guy in the first place but just an overwhelming amount of factors all came into play and it happened. I haven't been able to sleep, My anxiety is through the roof and I don't feel like eating either. I'm scared, I don't want to tell anyone of my family members. I don't know what to do. I wish I could rewind the past 48 hours. I would've never went out, never gotten drunk. I'm so ashamed and I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you.
It's apparent you feel very guilty about this. It shouldn't come as a surprise that alcohol reduces inhibitions. And it can magnify stresses that you're under, too. Perhaps you're 0.001% bisexual, and that got loose for a little while, past those inhibitions. But listen. It's obvious you may not relate too well to that friend. Why not head off the inevitable drama a little bit and just tell him, "Look, I got too drunk and I went way, way farther with you than I am comfortable going." And then, apologize. What? Apologize? Yes. It's polite, and it's a conversation opener. What else would this accomplish? Well, you'll be able to talk to someone about it--to the one person who already knows. I see no need for you to tell your family members. Is it any of their business? I know, it's very very difficult to discuss things we're ashamed of. But it's clear this is really going to bother you. The other thing is, if you're going to drink that much, you should not put yourself in situations that can go there. In the alternative, maybe you could consider not drinking too much. Every person does things that aren't sources of pride. You're no different. I think you should give yourself a break. You are the very first person who should forgive yourself.
Thanks for the response. I'm not going to be drinking for a very long time after this occurrence. I'm always super critical and hard on myself so that doesn't help much either. Hopefully I'll be able to put this out of my mind in few weeks from now. Thanks again!
Hi, and welcome to EC. First, I'm really sorry that you're having this experience. I know what violation feels like, and in particular, what it feels like when things happen when you aren't fully in control. There are all sorts of blame messages you're giving yourself and a thousand replays of the situation. The piece to remember here is that what's done is done. You can't go back to a few days ago and so the best you can do is simply to put that in the past. That said, I want to open the door to another discussion and see if there's any of this that resonates for you. (It may not, and I want to be clear about that...) Is there any possibility, deep, deep down, that some part of you enjoyed or was aroused by what happened? In reading what you wrote, you clearly say that you feel violated and disgusted with yourself, but I don't hear you saying that you were utterly disgusted by the act itself. And I can't completely discount the fact that you're posting this message on a site for LGBT and questioning people. Have you revisited this incident and found some strange sense of arousal or excitement about it? The reason I'm asking these questions is because it is not uncommon for people who are in the very early stages of coming to awareness that they have some same-sex attraction to have responses nearly identical to the ones that you describe. When we are deathly afraid of something because we fear it might be who we are, when it first comes into our awareness, we push it away violently and with disgust... but it keeps coming back. And it is the severe anxiety and disgust you're describing here (among other things) that makes me wonder if that is what's going on. Now... I could be entirely, 100% wrong, and you could be absolutely 100% heterosexual. I have no dog in the race, except to help you find out what's true for you. If you do have some feelings of arousal that came up around this, or are coming up in retrospect thinking about it, then likely those feelings are also paired with disgust and revulsion. This is your conscious and unconscious fighting, and your conscious in denial of something your unconscious feels. And that's a normal part of the proces of beginning to allow whatever is there to begin to come to the surface. *If* (and it's a bit "if") that's the case... then the best you can do is to keep talking about it, and let the feelings begin to come up so you can explore them. It doesn't mean you're gay, it doesn't mean you're suddenly going to go out and buy pumps and a party dress... it just means you might have some attraction to guys. Or, it could just be anxiety about an irrational fear that has no basis, that you felt absolutely no arousal, excitement, or attraction, and that's the end of the story. Only you can know which is which. But what is important is that you try and look deep inside yourself and answer authentically. If you are comfortable talking further, you can post more about how you feel, and then it will be possible to give you more insight.
Really? Most girls kiss each other out of curiosity, or even pleasure, without being lesbian or bisexual (well, a little bit maybe). Don't be so hard on yourself for this. However, if you feel your friend has crossed a line and has taken advantage of you, no one can blame you for being angry with him.
You have the right to your feelings and feeling like you wouldn't or shouldn't have done that. I am actually ashamed at others for telling you "it was just a kiss". Kissing can be really damn intimate to some people, possibly even more than sex itself sometimes (prostitutes usually don't kiss clients for example), and having internalized homophobia worsens it. Especially for men, where there is a stigma. Just don't beat yourself up to much. What's done is done.
Thank you for the response! I think a part of me always wondered whether or not I was attracted to men because I was never the best in the world with women. But I think If anything my feelings after this experience confirms the fact that I am not attracted to guys. From what I recall I didn't feel any arousal or attraction so I think the anxiety and everything is just coming from what transpired and how If I was sober none of this would have happened. The reason why I posted on here was because after googling my feelings and the situation I found here. It seemed like a welcoming place that would be willing to listen so I created an account. ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 10:57 AM ---------- Thanks! I think it comes down to opinion and I appreciate yours! I don't think I have any internalized homophobia but I've never been in a situation like this before so I don't know. Maybe that requires some personal reflection on my part.
I'm sorry this happened, and if your friend took advantage of you, that's a terrible thing and I'd be very upset as well. However, what's not clear is whether he really did take advantage of you, or if it was a mutual decision. I would assume that if he really did violate you, then you'd be more mad at your friend than being ashamed of yourself. Perhaps you feel so anxious because you cannot believe that you would do such a thing, even in your drunk state. If this is the case, then I do think there is some internalized homophobia going on. Would you have been equally ashamed if you had kissed a woman you weren't attracted to at all? Maybe you are afraid that kissing your friend somehow says something about your sexuality, but that does not have to be the case. Sexual orientation isn't a summation of all sexual/romantic thoughts and behaviors, but it is just an identity we give ourselves for a sense of coherence. Many people experiment to find a category that suits them, and if this experience made you feel even more that you are straight, then that's not a bad thing is it? I also did get the impression that perhaps you did like the kiss on some level, hence your anxiety, (as Chip suspects as well) but if that's really not the case, then I think dealing with your internalized homophobia and reinterpreting this event as something positive could help you get over it sooner I think. Of course, if he really did force himself on you and you feel totally violated, that's a different story. I would definitely confront that friend about it. I hope all this pseudo-psychoanalysis won't put you off from this forum! I hope you feel free to post further, and good luck!
