Has anyone got any experiences about suppressing and/or repressing sexuality? Did you realise you were doing it? How long did it go on for? How did you figure out you were doing it? How did you stop? (I could go on...) This is something that has been on my mind a lot over the last few months and I'd really like to understand it, so if anyone is up for a discussion, I'm all ears! On my end, I've been in this massive mess with my sexuality since I was 11 and to say it's screwed me up is an understatement :icon_redf I had minor crushes on boys and then while daydreaming about having ponies and a girlfriend in bed one night, I had the "I'm a lesbian!" lightbulb moment which was quickly followed by "no, you're bi, you must have your first kiss with a boy and have sex for the first time with a boy like a normal person". Then I thought I was going to hell. At first it was simple repression: holding onto the "crushes" I had when I was 11 for years so that if anyone asked, I could say that I liked someone. Being completely oblivious to the guys my friends said were hot. Feeling threatened when my friends wanted to hang out with boys. Refusing to think or talk about good looking female celebrities and lying about liking guys so people wouldn't think I was gay. Secretly flicking my bean to fantasies about women. Watching/reading anything that I thought would have a lesbian character in it. Getting embarrassed and changing the subject whenever someone spoke about homosexuality (etc.) When I moved out, it got messy. I blocked out any thoughts of women. Any remotely attractive guy was a potential SO and I'd latch on to one and "crush" on him until I realised it was never going to happen, felt disappointed and embarrassed and lost interest. I created a love story in my head with any male who was nice to me. Got drunk on nights out in the hopes of hooking up with a guy & flirted loads, even though their attention was often annoying and the flirting felt wrong to me. Inevitably the repressed stuff bubbled to the surface. I got homophobic and religious and developed anxiety and depression. Told myself I was in love with someone and I was afraid of sex and intimacy. Vowed abstinence. Total autopilot. No thinking. Just a single minded goal: "must like men." And now? I'm 22, I've come out, admitted that I don't want to ever have sex with guys, but I'm now in this cycle of "repression - autopilot - anxiety - repeat." It's hard because I want to date but each time I open myself up and start to get comfortable with the reality of relationships with women I think "Nope, nope, nope" and convince myself I like another guy. It's laughable :roflmao: Does anyone else have any stories to share?
I'm not 100% certain of anything in terms of my own self yet, but I can relate to a lot of what you posted (you can also read my thread too if you want). The only thing you wrote that I don't agree with is the whole "becoming religious and abstinent" part. I've had very deep, sometimes obsessive feelings for close female friends, but never had these types of feelings for men, except for one long-term college boyfriend who I cared about a lot as a person. But after college, we broke up because he wanted to marry and have kids, and the thought of having a husband and children has always felt claustrophobic and wrong to me. I've dated a lot of men short-term, with guys who are usually objectively attractive, have their shit together, etc. but I always feel a lack of emotional connection, in terms of the connection that I do have with my close female friends. I always feel suffocated when they start getting serious feelings that I don't share back, and break it off because I feel like i'm leading them on. When I hang out with female friends, I want the focus to be on my friends and I -- not on finding guys. For example, when I go clubbing with female friends, I always want to stick with the friends I went with and have fun with them, instead of having an agenda to pick up guys during the night. I can enjoy kissing and cuddling with men, but I only really like it when their clothes are on. I get find penises and balls and male ejaculate to be really, really gross. I've always thought it was typical to feel that way, until I was talking with a straight friend who said that she gets aroused by seeing a guy's penis and doing stuff with it. I never physically enjoy penises, even if I like the actual person.
I wound up meeting a guy several years ago whom I thought was straight because he was a ladies man and had several girlfriends. The thing is that eventually, he and I became very good friends and began to spend a lot of time with each other. Since I have many straight friends who are aware that I am a gay man, we still have a strong friendship and respect each other despite our sexual preferences. Therefore, once this guy and I friendship was becoming very close, I decided to let him know that I was a gay man before any of the local, shady gay boys in the neighborhood decide to tell him to be malicious. Once I told him, we became even closer. In fact, he started spending time with me consistently on a daily basis until things were revealed about him that he kept hidden sexually. Once feeling started to developed, he became very conflicted with his feelings because his family had strong disapproval of gay people, he had to suppress whatever sexual feelings he had for me or any other man. Although we stopped seeing each other and went on to try to live a "normal" lifestyle, it was brought to me attention not too long ago that he was looking for me (I had moved away) and had admitted to some of his close friends that he had strong feelings for me. Once I heard this, I could not help but remember when he and I had this intense conversation one night while lying in bed after having sex and he was telling me in tears that he have to suppress his feelings for me because he loved his family and could not risk having them abandon him from their lives because of him being a gay man. I remember telling him that he will have those moments where he will have urges to be with a man and needless to say that when those urges come upon him, he will find a way to act those urges out. Therefore, in conclusion, I know for myself before I came out and I became aware that I had feelings for guys, it became a conflicting battle for me trying to suppress those feelings even when towards the point of almost coming out and yet still dating women.
The religious stuff is something that stuck with me because I was raised Catholic. Even though I never really agreed with it it was ingrained until very recently. My friendships with my female friends tended to be quite intense sometimes. I'd have a "special" friend or a "special" girl I wanted to be friends with and if the friendship fell apart or I thought it was falling apart it would leave me feeling pretty distraught. As for guys, it was obsessive in the sense that the guy was a target or a goal for me. The butterflies I got around them ended up making me unwell. It was anxiety. I've never dated a guy though. When it comes down to it, I tense up, run a mile. I used to want kids and stuff too but then I really thought about it and realised that it was just something I thought I should do, not something I actually wanted. I would dream about getting married to a wonderful guy but it would always end with us splitting up or having an open relationship where I could see women :icon_redf And what you said about hanging out with your friends resonated with me! It used to irritate the heck out of me when guys approached me and friends at clubs. It felt like the night was being ruined. I read your post and I can relate to a lot of what you said too. I absolutely love male company but it tends to be on a superficial level, just banter and jokes. Now that I think about it, I've only ever wanted a deep emotional connection with a woman. I used to think of it as a best friend forever but I understand it as something more now. I've gone along with what my friends say about guys' hot bodies but, they do nothing for me in practise. Penises are weird and gross to me. And again with the not wanting to spend every day with a boyfriend. I used to wonder how my friends could spend so much time talking to their boyfriends. I even said at one point that if I had a boyfriend I'd get bored of kissing them and hanging out with them (and was met with puzzled stares in return:lol Your experience is enlightening. Nobody should have to go through that. I hope both you and that guy can find the happiness you deserve. I guess that means there's no hiding, no matter how hard you try...
