I don't know if it's a fetish or it's maybe me realizing who I really am, but I have been dealing with a lot of confusion the past few years. First of all, I am a 29 year old virgin male. I've never been in a romantic relationship with a woman. The farthest I've ever been with any women is kissing. Ever since I was young, I would daydream about falling in love and riding off into the sunset happily ever after with a beautiful woman, inside and out, who I would call my one true love. Corny as it may be, it's what I always dreamt about. It wasn't until a few years ago that a fetish of mine, crossdressing, started to consume my thoughts. I experimented dressing in my sisters clothes growing up. I never liked putting on makeup, just the feeling of tight clothes on my body. I never really thought much of it. That is until I found out about a fetish known as feminization. I basically got deeper and deeper into the fantasy, to the point where a small part of me desperately craves for me to start taking hormones, have breast implants, and become another mans' trophy sissy wife. Here is the part where I get confused. I've heard others say that crossdressing can occasionally be a way to simulate female contact and that's why some lonely guys like it, and I've noticed a pattern. The ONLY types of female clothing I like to wear are ones that are particularly clothing I find sexy on women in general. Especially costumes of fictional characters I have had crushes on growing up. When I see that character in the movie, I not only want her as my girlfriend, but I want to BE her. The fetish also includes me wanting to be submissive to another man, whom I can call my husband or master. But in addition to that, I sometimes fantasize about wanting to live with him the rest of my life, moving away from my family so they can't see what happened to me. But it's this back and forth between my brain that has me so confused. Let's say I have a girl at work who happens to give me attention, maybe something as simple as smiling at me or laughing a joke I made or just talking to me, in person or on a dating site. When this happens, I will not think about my hidden desire to become a girl or anything sexual with another man even once. The only thing on my mind will be how beautiful women are and how I long to have someone I can say I'm in love with. But then, when I go a few days without any kind of recognition from women, that's when the idea of wanting to just become a woman comes into play again. I will dive further and further down the rabbit hole, buying clothing online, looking up clothing I'm afraid to buy (Like fake breasts and body shapers), and even talking to men off Craigslist inching closer and closer to finding a man to have regular sexual encounters with. I will go like a week, two, sometimes I make it to a month, before this loneliness takes over and I dive head first back into my fantasy of wanting to become a submissive sissy girl to another man. And when I say sissy girl, in my fantasy I truly want to become female, be recognized as being a female. But like I said, I only have this desire to become female WHEN I'm lonely and feel like no woman could ever love me. Now, as far as attraction goes, I only find myself sexually attracted to men at this point. I find men's bodies attractive, but have never found a man's face attractive. I have never had even the slightest desire to kiss another man or love another man romantically. And even with me finding men's bodies attractive, this is ONLY when I'm in my lonely state. On a regular day or on the beach, I never look at a man's body and get turned on like I do with women. It only occurs when I'm feeling down. When I fantasize about moving away with another man and becoming a female and spending the rest of my life with him, I never think about anything romantic, aside from sex and cuddling. I envision us going places together and embracing, but never kissing. So I do suppose there could be romantic feelings in an ideal situation. But I've always considered myself mostly hetero-romantic. I feel I could learn to love a man in a similar way to a woman, but I still wouldn't have any interest in kissing. And I feel like the ONLY way I could love another man is if I became female. Sexually, I am only attracted to men when it's me being the submissive one/bottom. I have no desire to have another man go down on me or for me to be a top. Like I said, it's a very confusing. I've yet to go through with meeting another man out of fear of catching a disease. That, I believe is my natural paranoid mentality though. I've long said, that if I somehow could know for a face that I would not be at risk for picking up an std, I would have experimented with another man a long time ago. But as I was trying to originally explain, this whole mentality and back and forth is just so incredibly confusing to me. I don't know who I truly am at times and don't know if it all has to do with lonliness or a sort of "If I can't HAVE her, I want to BECOME her" mentality. In all honesty, I VERY much wish I could somehow have shapeshifting superpowers (Like Mystitque from x-men) where I could change from being male to female on a whim, whenever I wanted to. I do feel like if I were to find a girlfriend and fall in love, get married, etc, that these thoughts would never again cross my mind. I've always been very sensitive and romantic, so I've always had a few feminine qualities, but it's more of a "Sensitive guy" personality than a feminine personality I have. The only problem is that at 29 years old, I've yet to see any woman have that kind of interest in me, so these desires only grow stronger and stronger each time I revisit them. Lastly, I should also mention that when I do get in these lonely states where my desire to become female grows, I watch a heavy amount of porn, specifically targeted towards femininzation or hypnotizing men into becoming females. So porn could also be a culprit if it's just a blown up fantasy. Sometimes it just feels like this is all just a back up plan in my brain too. "Well if we can't have a girl, we could always become a girl and find some level of romance and love" I just need help, any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm just so incredibly confused right now and have no one to talk about this stuff with.
Okay, I'll be honest. This was so long, that I didn't read it all. Now, I simply identify as female and I don't get turned on by wearing panties or anything. If you do, that's fine. What I can say is that it's important for you, I think, to separate the sexual turn-on from identity. If you ask yourself honestly, then are you a woman, who wants to live her life that way? Or are you a man, who likes crossdressing as a way to get himself turned on, or maybe just like it in general?
Thanks for the reply. If I was being completely honest with myself, I would say that no, I don't think I'm truly a woman, seeing as the only time I ever feel that way is when I'm lonely, via lack of interaction or attention from females. Though, when I am lonely, I truly do wish I could be female, but like you mentioned, no, I don't see myself as a female, I just want to be one, wanting to leave my life behind permanently to pursue that desire. It's almost like it's a backup plan in my mind or something, where if I would ever get to the point where I truly feel no woman will ever love me, that I would just want to pursue my occasional desire to become a woman. I suppose I wrote so much just to see if there were any others who thought similar to myself. But I do appreciate your tip, so thank you for that. I don't consider myself a woman, I just want to be one, but only when I'm lonely.
I see. Well, I don't think you're transgender. It's okay to have a fetish though. What about the thing you talked about with wanting a husband (if you were a woman)? Do you have attraction to men?
Why did you like tight clothes but not putting on makeup? What was it about makeup that made you decide that wasn't for you?
It may seem like becoming a woman involves being able to "find some level of romance and love," but there are a lot of lonely women in the world, too. That's just to point out that some of what you feel is a bit objectifying or, at the very least, based on that old "grass is greener" feeling. But I don't think it's so rare to feel this way. When I was first online of course I immediately started trying to find transgender resources and one of the first things I came across were transgender fiction sites which were largely fetish-oriented with forced feminization stories and erotic transformations. And a large number of people I interacted with on those sites had pretty much the same feelings you do. Some may or may not have been what we define as transgender, at least in the sense that they really wanted to transition and live as women, but they all seemed to associate becoming women or even women themselves with happiness and joy and sexual freedom they felt they lacked in their male lives. They either wanted to be in or were already in mostly heterosexual relationships where they interacted as men, but in their fantasies they were women having sex with men. Not exclusively so, but probably the greater percentage. And, like in the stories we were reading, the female life was absolute joy and bliss and all the problems of the world no longer applied to them. Well, reality isn't like that, of course. If I were to offer any advice to you at all, it would be to stay away from hormones and permanent body modification. If it's the sexual charge you get that's really important, as it seems to be, you could end that with hormones and you will be left in a much worse place. People on HRT don't go into it lightly or simply because they want to live out a sex fantasy. If there is a chance you're transgender and not a fetishistic crossdresser (and there's nothing wrong with being that by any means!), a therapist can help you make that determination. Other than that, if you just want to enjoy these fantasies and things like that, you could join a fetish site where you'll find communities that specifically cater to your desires. There are professional services that are probably pretty pricey, but they'll take you as far along as you care to go and bring you back in the end safe and sound. And at the very least, you can continue crossdressing in private and indulging in tons of stuff online that presents the kind of scenarios you find so arousing and gratifying. The point is, you shouldn't feel bad at all about liking what you like. And anything can happen between consenting adults, especially if you take time to vet your partners and you're upfront about what you want and how much you're willing to do. Just please remember that vetting part! Also, always use protection. Finally, hang out here and talk to people. That will help you work through some of these ideas and some of the confusion that comes with them.
