Story time. I didn't know being gay was a thing until seventh grade. But in ninth grade I was having boy troubles (the guy I liked was avoiding me for some reason), and I was at a volunteering event with one of my best friends. I didn't see her for most of the night, but once I did it suddenly struck me that she's beautiful to me, and as she left I realized I could easily fall for her. Which I didn't want for so many reasons, the biggest one being that liking her could change our relationship; if she didn't like me back or was straight things could get weird, if she did like me back and we got into a relationship and had a falling out then our friendship would be awkward from then on out... etc, etc. I ended up falling for a guy and leaving the issue far behind. In the next few years I became more and more aware of girls I might have had crushes on in the past and present, or girls who stood out for no reason. In seventh grade, before I learned about homosexuality, there was an eighth grader on the volleyball A team (I was on B) towards whom I felt the same way as I did towards my male crush at the time. I convinced myself I looked up to her. There was the fastest girl in junior high, a girl who sat next to me in tenth grade Mandarin, the older sister of the guy I was having problems with. Things started becoming more relevant in my junior year, when I started getting really worried about falling for my best friend again. Sophomore year had been rough for us both, and we'd hid a lot from each other, so once we told each other basically everything the summer after, we grew tons closer. And now the boy I liked had graduated from high school, so instead of looking forward to seeing him in the morning, it became her I looked forward to seeing in the hallway. I'd never felt this way about anyone who wasn't male before, and it bothered me to no end. I finally talked to my closest gay friend about it that March. With his help, I learned that it's possible to fall in love with a friend, but as a friend. And it made sense because it felt like I was falling for him and a few other really close friends, too. Crisis averted. At some points during my senior year I'd go through a fear that I was falling for her again. It became a periodic thing. Another of my friends helped me see that it's possible to also love your friends in different ways, but still as friends. That was recent. Right now I've basically accepted that I love her, and regardless of whether it's as a friend or romantically, I'm okay with just knowing I love her for now. But even if it turns out she's just a friend, after all, I still don't know about what I am in the big scheme of things. I'm mildly grossed out by male genitals (okay, more than mildly) and prefer yuri videos over hetero; I've liked boys almost constantly in the last 10 years, ranging from crushes to flat-out romantic love. I play softball and hate that the stereotype might apply. Sometimes I think I'm straight as a rod, other times I think I'm full-out lesbian, most of the time I'm just super confused and have no idea one way or another. If you're still reading after all that, thank you for sticking with me for so long. Any help I can get would be welcome.
As in just hetero or just lesbian? No. Those are just the extremes. I just mean I have literally no clue what I am.
