Am I Gay?

I'm 23 and never been in a real relationship. I've always liked girls as a kid growing up but very very shy, couldn't accept myself/the way I looked. A lot of girls have wanted to be with me through school etc. but I too scared/didn't know what to do/say. When I was 17 I got pressured into having sex with a girl for the first time that I didn't find very attractive at all. It didn't work I was drunk and couldn't get/maintain an erection. This left me questioning my sexual identity and I started having thoughts what If I was gay?

At this time I was already into watching a lot of porn (straight) and I tried watching gay porn, I could get an erection and cum, and inserted small things into my anus a few times. I kind of enjoyed it at the time as was kind of a thrill but felt like it was wrong afterwards.

Since then, I've been at college for 5 years, and yet to meet/have friends with many girls. I was fine for a good couple of years but didn't make any real friendships with girls, I started having a lot of anxiety/panic attacks around girls whilst attending classes/public transport, so found myself attending less and less classes.

I've been on and off a couple of antidepressants for a couple of years now, It's like I have a phobia of girls. I get very anxious doing easy things such as going to the supermarket/shops etc.

I've been going to gym for a couple years and bulked up a little bit, this gave me more confidence, but still wasn't really meeting/interacting with girls.

There was one aspect of myself I didn't like is I had big ears, and got teased by a few girls as a kid, and could never accept them so took it up to myself to get surgery when I started uni, but this didn't change who I was. Other than that I get told that I am a good looking person a bit, but still find myself looking in the mirror a lot of the time. I find it hard to take the focus of myself and onto other people in conversation etc.

I started getting really bad anxiety around the word 'gay' when my mates would use it as an insult/joke etc. as I would remember the time when I watched gay porn.

I've had sex with a few girls and enjoyed it but couldn't maintain an erection (met at a club while drunk), but could do at the brothel when I've been there.

I feel like it's getting worse and plaguing my head almost 24/7 now and I feel like it's affecting all of my social relationships/losing friends as I've got that stuck in my head and unable to focus on the topic what they are saying.

The thought of me being gay literally makes me sick and vomit my food up a lot of the time, and I have been very very suicidal lately. I have had a incident when stoned on weed brownies that I believed I was gay and was going to kill myself, so ended up in the hospital.

Talking/interacting with girls makes me happy when it does happen. This is affecting pretty much every aspect of my life. What are your thoughts?

 

My brain is really foggy atm and I'm not sure what I wrote makes sense.. I took 100mg zoloft for 4 or 5 days, but stopped about a week ago, and this made me really worse with these thoughts, so I stopped and since then my brain has been foggy and I have been unable to concentrate even in conversations... I feel like I'm losing my mind, any thoughts? Will this clear up