A terrible crush, relationship and god what to do

I'm wondering if anybody ever felt afraid, like literally panicked while facing a crush? And if so, have you managed to overcome this anyhow?

There's this girl that makes me feel all kind of stuff - The punch in a stomach, butterflies attack, shaky limbs, a "lady boner" (I don't know how to describe this better, it's just a fleeting warmth in the vjj areas) and all kinds of blushes, even though i'm not sure if it's visible. Oh and I even managed to freakin stutter while talking to her. Jesus, I never stutter. The lady boner is my latest discovery, I never felt aroused near a girl, It seems like this feeling only happens with girls I really like and this is new to me. And it's really weird because I'm mostly aroused by the penis. If I am to fantasize, the sexual fantasies, it always envolves men and penises. Although in real life to feel this kind of arousal to a man i guess i would propably have to sit on him or kiss passionately, stuff like this - not just stand next to him like it can be with girls.

I wonder why can't I just feel and act like guys sometimes act (ok maybe stereotypically) when they like a girl, you know, when they show off or just are being friendly, flirty and smiling, basically trying to impress the girl.
And here's me, the idiot, trying to mumble through the sentence or maybe not faint internally when she only walks by. I don't understand this because I just want to feel happiness being with the person I admire, not this violent dread.

I figured, maybe it's because I don't accept myself? It's weird because even though in my mind sometimes I feel proud of being bi (I guess), when it comes to people I would propably die of shame if somebody found out right now. It feels like a dirty secret, but I don't understand why.

Oh and another thing. I'm in my mid twenties, in a happy relationship with a man. Feeling all these stuff to a girl I barely know makes me feel like a creep and some sort of fraud to my boyfriend and the people around me. I guess I think that if I'm in this relationship, I should only have feelings for him and if I have this really strong feelings for a girl I'm fooling him. Like I'm embarassed by this. Sometimes to certain people I don't say anything about him (afraid that they would see through me?) while with other people I talk about him all the time - it's natural to me, mentioning him often.

At the beginning, with him it was different than with girls I had crushes on. Yes I felt nervous and I remeber doing this little stupid things while in his presence, but I don't recall butterflies or such strong feelings like these that I described above.
I remember kissing him for the first time I had this poke in my lady parts, not the butterflies in stomach. But you know, even after years that we've been together I still sometimes feel something nice in stomach when we are both engaged in kissing or just nice feeling on a lips and I've never felt this with a man before. Being with my ex boyfriend I felt literary nothing, never so I kind of gave up on men then. I thought, hey maybe you're gay but then comes the current boyfriend, the warm and loving one.
He also showed me that feeling nice in bed with men is possible (I also gave up on this), and all kinds of other things. I can honestly say that we learn from each other, we are very close, I feel like he's already part of me, like if we broke up I would lose a huge part of me. I don't know, like a limb. He's very supportive and I seriously felt sometimes like he could be the father of my children. Like he's perfect for this role.

BUT

1. The very strong feelings for a girl. What the F is this; and what should I do about this feeling of being a fraud to my boyfriend?
Sometimes i feel like only breaking up would make me feel at peace with myself because only then I would approach my crush - or in my case maybe try approaching a possibility of not dying when she looks at me. Jesus if you could see these eyes.

Also it's not the first girl I crush on, I do this frequently.
One time there was this other girl that I was also afraid of but after few months when it turned out that she hits on me I suddenly was like nooo, leave me alone please.
I don't know if it was because I suddenly realised that I prefer natural? girls and she had tons of make up and piercing and stuff or because the me liking girls is not real?
If it's not then why all these fellings? It has to be real. I've never been with a girl before, I only drunkenly kissed some but don't remeber how I felt about it. After kissing the first one I remeber felling happy that I finally did this, and that's it. I want to try it sober. Sometimes I want to try it so very bad. But yeah, my boyfriend considers this cheating. So now I'm stuck between wanting to try and the comfort of a relationship.

This girl that I now have crush on is sometimes all I can think about. It really annoys me because I don't see her now so I only obsess about the past, really few conversations that we had. I logically know that it doesn't make any sense, this thinking. I feel like a total freak thinking about her this much, while being in a relationship that if I loose I would feel like losing a part of me.
Sometimes I would like to just not think at all. About anything. Now reading threads from the later in life section, about men or women being married and still wanting the same sex experiences but for some reason they cant have it, I can literally see myself like in a picture, few years from now. Holding hands with my boyfriend and holding a child, I'm smiling but my eyes are DEAD.

So it's like I know that I have to approach my gay side, just to find out what this is about, but I can't do this being in this relationship that I feel so good in. The eat cookie and still have cookie dillema.

Also I don't know if it matters but when I was a child I despised barbies - Only kens mattered and cars and basically typical boy toys. My friends were also boys and while playing I remeber always being a father/brother, never women role.

Oh and only lately things started to hitting me in the face, like the feeling I had in middle school when hugging my friend (a girl), I remember wanting to hug her all the time.
I also liked holding hands with her, basically the touch. Yep I think I recall some butterflies.
But then comes high school and the dread while being with a girl crushes and it continues to these days. I want to feel happy like back then, not ashamed and scared. Yes that's mostly what I want now. To feel proud of who I am (whatever this is) and finally find out who I am and not freaking obsess this much.


Does anybody have any advices on that? Or anybody relates to any of this stuff that I've written? And what am I? Because for know I'm so tired of this overthinking that only thing that I'm certain now is that I'm human. Oh and a woman. And I stopped by that.

Sorry for this wall of text, it is the first time it's out and not in my head. Also sorry for the gramar/whatever mistakes, feel free to correct me if you want

 

Thank you for taking your time and reading this mess )

You know, I guess my main doubt was that I question even being bisexual because I feel like my feelings for men were never that powerful like they are for girls.

And I don't know if it's because I'm leaning towards girls (or simply am gay) or because I have feelings which I'm ashamed of.

yeah I can't imagine myself few years from now, commited to a men and still not having experience with girls. But for now I choose being stuck inbetween I guess*sigh*