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So confused.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ForeverMe, Jul 17, 2016.

  1. ForeverMe

    Regular Member

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    Warning: This is somewhat of a rant.

    For some time now, I have been identfying as "it's complicated, but I'm into all genders, I think", because although I have had crushes on multiple girls and guys and one genderfluid person, I really am not quite sure. I also don't really want to put myself into too much of a box, because I don't want people to think that I'm something that I'm not. I am basically completely uncloseted and open, but the difficult part recently has been getting people to believe me.

    I wouldn't have thought that it would be SO difficult for people to believe that I wasn't really sure...however certain people, especially my family, have been struggling a little bit. I told my brother a few weeks ago that I didn't think I was straight, and his response was a mix of "Don't be too sure, things change" and "Just because you LIKE someone doesn't mean that you would want to hold hands with them or kiss them or date them" and "you might turn out to only be into guys".

    At this point I should probably explain that I have never had any sexual or romantic experience with anyone. I thought this was normal and usual, until I went to camp this year and nearly everyone else in my age group had dated or kissed at least one person so far.

    While I was at camp, I "came out" to my cabin of 8 people. They were supportive, but even the 2 LGBT+ people there didn't completely believe me. After all, how could I know that I wasn't straight if I had never kissed a girl? And then when I got home, I inadvertently "came out" to my mom, as I was wearing a rainbow bracelet that said "love wins" which I made at camp, and she asked me why I was wearing it. I said that is was, firstly, because I have been very supportive of the LGBT+ community since I was about 11, when I first began to actually learn about it (I started questioning 2 years later because of the first "girl crush" that I recognized to be an actual crush, not a friend crush), and secondly because I was relatively sure that I wasn't straight. And then my mom said that it was fine but that I shouldn't be too sure and people change and I might be straight.

    Now, I understand this sentiment, as there are plenty of people who think that they are straight until having a romantic or sexual experience with a person of the same sex, and then turn out to be gay, or bi, or pan...but there is one thing that doesn't make sense. The assumption is always that I can be into guys without kissing a guy or dating a guy, simply having crushes on guys is enough to prove to people that I'm into guys, but in order for me to think that I am into girls or other people, I have to have done something romantic or sexual for someone to believe me. No one thinks that I might be ace or aro because I haven't kissed or dated anyone, which, based on the assumption that you have to kiss someone before you can know if you are into people of their gender, is perfectly possible.

    I just want to know, has this happened to anyone else? I am a little worried that this only happens because my personality type doesn't seem "gay enough":dry:. Also, is it wrong to vaguely identify as pansexual even if I have never dated or kissed anyone of any gender? Should I just not say anything and let people assume that I'm straight? The world is so confusing.
     
  2. hameausnelling

    Regular Member

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    It might be hard to try to control what other people assume about you, so I'd recommend to continue being as honest as possible with people and just continue to act yourself.

    If you explain to someone that 'it's complicated' and they raise their eyebrows or sneer, it's really only their problem. I only really started coming out before I got into a relationship because I didn't really find it relevant (and I was/am terrified about it) but if you want to tell people about that side of you, you should go for it. It might sound stupid but I'd try not to worry about how other people interpret what you mean, or how they react to the news. As long as you're willing to try to know who you like then I don't see why anyone else's opinion carries any weight at all (my choices kind of contradict that point, but I think it's sorta good advice.)


    Also don't feel any pressure to rush into romance or anything like that, you don't need to prove your orientation or anything else just because some other people have had relationships before you did. Even if it did matter, you might find that a lot of people don't even get involved in those sorts of things until they're older. If people don't believe you because you don't act 'gay enough,' well, that's not really something that you could (healthily) change in my opinion. I act pretty straight myself so I sometimes invoke disbelief as well, but people usually can learn to accept something as true if it is true... sometimes it just takes a really long time-- it's just one of the drawbacks of being a bit unusual in anything.

    Ultimately I'd say it's up to you and you should do what you would think is best for you if you could block out the thoughts or actions of other people and not be so overwhelmed with pressure from them. Maybe it's bad advice, or maybe I'm just awkward, but "you do you" is probably a great motto to throw in here. Good luck (*hug*)