hello i am a 21 y/o genderfluid? individual who is currently in a relationship w a nonbinary person i cherish and adore greatly i have been questioning my identity since i was in early high school and have had several crushes on women and one ... sort of crush on a man? he liked me and i thought he was cute but i didnt like him back too much. my mother wanted me to like him but i expressed distaste. i grew up/am living w a homophobic mother who consistently repeated views of equating pedophilia to homosexuality and i grew up unable to express my orientation until this year in which i came out to her and even now that i came out [as bisexual] she still says things like "you will respect this home its a house of god" screaming and blaming my father for my homosexuality and then goes to say i dont hate gay people despite even having screamed faggots at me in the car. (she doesnt remember) i am with a person i adore immensely and have wanted to be with for a while (all my friends say its incredibly obvious how much i like them and want them) but i cant feel anything its killing me because i dont feel attraction to this person despite wanting to hold their hand and be theirs and having had multiple instances of sexual relations with them i felt nothing when they said they wanted to kiss me and in that moment i wanted to cry so desperately my stomach lurched i feel my heart sick and i want it to stop i feel attraction to men and a part of me says that i wouldnt experience this crushing nothingness with them i feel my heart flutter and my cheeks blush and i feel arousal but god i dont want to go for it i wanted to be with my person i just want to feel what i feel in my brain for them i want to experience the arousal i do feel when i think of them reaching an apex or the tenderness i feel when i look at their face or their lips or the desire for domesticity and a stable warm love or cupping their face and pressing my forehead to theirs as i stroke their cheeks w my thumbs but i cant feel anything i cant feel anything i cant feel attraction i feel awful. i feel awful. i wanted to be here with them but they and my supportive friends have said that i need to give myself time to sort thru grief there is a part of me that wants to run and i am fighting myself just to stay here i have an anxiety disorder and have experienced multiple instances of needing friends to validate my own queerness as i keep thinking im straight all of my friends say im for sure not straight and i feel better i wanted to initiate being w my person i wanted to be there please help me i dont know what to do anymore and i dont want my relationship w this beautiful person to end:bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang: they said they wanted to be there for me regardless of what we were but theres a part of me that thinks they will tell me whatever i want to hear. im so tired i just wanna b happy
I'm very sorry for the struggle you're facing. You said that you "sort of" have a crush on the guy? And you "thought" he's cute? In situations like this, you have to inspect closely and accurately on the guy you're seeing or meeting. This is an ability that I find very useful. First of all, you have to think deeply on why you like him. Is it only because he's cute? Can you think of any other reasons? Probably due to his kindness like maybe he waits for you no matter how late he is or something? If you only like him because he's cute then you just have to admit that it's a crush like how my friend told me that she "likes that guy but she doesn't like like him"(get it?) Oh, and if you really really think that you should end the relationship with the guy, you should tell him as soon as possible or else he might be likely to feel a massive feeling of hurtfulness. Follow what your heart says. And there's no rushing in finding out about your sexuality. I agree with your friends that you need to take your time. Maybe you're bisexual, gay, etc, who knows? It's you, yourself that is only able to find out about your sexuality. I thought I was bisexual but when I thought about it, I was like "Yeah, that girl is cute but I'm not sexually attracted to her". I'm afraid I can't really help you with your homophobic mother since I myself am not out to my family yet due to fear of them not accepting me. Perhaps the best advice I could give is to tell or show her that the LGBTQ people are not bad. I hope these tips will help you. Stay safe and don't give up.
Thank u so much for ur in depth response Im sorry ur not out yet pls stay safe No im w a persom who is non binary but assigned female at birth I want to stay with this person but i dont feel anything despite fighting to stay here w them I like them bc its them Its them I dont want to break up w them but my chest feels nothing and i feel numb and i hate this
