Ok, so I know I'm gay. K? K. But I've been kinda wondering if I'm bi or something? Idk. It's probably nothing but I'd like feedback anyway. So I started overthinking a lot lately ever since I came out to my mom and she told me "it's subject to change." And since then I had a strong anxiety I might be attracted to guys, even if it's a little bit. I like girls both romantically and sexually. Boys? I used to say neither, but now my mind is all blurry from anxiety and I kinda don't know what's right and what's wrong. I've been thinking about dudes to see how Id react to it, I think I might feel mild arousal but when I actually think about going through with it I crinnnge. Like no, I don't actually want that. Gross. Imagination, fine, real life? Nope. I'm afraid the mild feeling may mean something BUT I remember when I get turned on by a girl it's much more intense. Not only the body sensation, but I feel excited and my heart might start beating hard, and I feel revved up and confident, and.. fun? That's the best words to describe it. It's pleasant. It's often accompanied by my desire to well, go through with it. Guys though? Just the mild body sensation. It's not as exciting or energetic, and heck no I wouldn't do it in real life. And my heart won't beat like it does with thoughts of girls. Like, I could feel this reponse to other dudes (very rarely though) and I still wouldn't actually want anything to do with them. And I didn't actually have this feeling before I started overthinking either. It's almost like I'm looking around and saying "do you like this? What about this? Or this?" Kind of like I'm "checking" but it doesn't feel natural, I'm more-so forcing myself to check people out. But it drives me insane anyway. As for romance, I never liked a real life guy that way. I believe I can be a very good friend with a guy, but no leaving the friend zone. It's weird :/ I'll state again I'd rather have a girlfriend. I just can't have the same connection with boys, but my brain thinks too much.
I think that you already know the answer and that your anxiety is making you doubt yourself. I think that you should listen more to yourself than your mom. My mom, I think, is holding onto the hope that I might be bi so that I can live a "straight" life. And if it turns out that you meet a guy that you're attracted to, then you can just change your label to bi or whatever you want. If you assume that you're attracted to only women, but are later proved wrong, then that's alright.
