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confused please help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by panlove0705, Jul 20, 2016.

  1. panlove0705

    Regular Member

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    Hello everyone I'm a little new to this had trouble making an account so my wife is letting me use hers. I'm a man in my mid twenties I grew up in a very conservative household I'm as my wife puts it a mans man. I guess it's more literal than she always thought. I love fast cars, working on said cars, martial arts, spending time outdoors, I'm a huge adrenaline junkie, and I'm a marine. I've been so for the last five years and my whole life has been surrounded by pretty shallow minded people.

    After almost a decade of knowing my wife and three years of marriage I shocked her tonight by telling her something that I've never told anyone. I am sexually attracted to men as well as women. The first time I had an inclination I was thirteen years old. I surfed the web for something pleasurable and as you would expect found very pleasing pictures of women that I had lost myself in. In doing so I also dug further and found men with the women and eventually found myself looking at men almost as much as women. My mother of course seeing the search history questioned me about it at dinner in front of the whole family and I was so embarrassed by it that I told her I thought there would be fine looking women on the site.

    So aside from a strong latex and leather fetish I also daydream of things that I would do with some men as well as women. The only difference is I am a lot choosier about the men I find attractive. Generally they are bigger, muscular men although I'm around 200 pounds and I enjoy seeing muscular men. I also enjoy softer but mature faces. Most men I see that I find attractive is only for their body. Some that I find attractive I must cover their eyes or I will get a strong impulse to rip them out. A lot of mens faces in general would make me want to crush them to bits the moment I looked at them even if I wanted to have sex with them before i saw it. Ideally for complete attraction to a man he would have to be a big boy like me but with a mature face but a soft look and eyes a hard eyed man would set me off in a violent reaction for some reason.

    I am having a hard time understanding this and have been for years I've been to combat and been close to death I have fought for my own life and the life of my friends on multiple occasions but that was a lot simpler than this just aim and pull the trigger right? I have been as detailed as possible without being vulgar so you can understand most of who I am but the problem is I don't even understand who I am.

    Whoever is on here reading that cares to respond please help me because I am lost within myself and I think I always have been.

    Thank you for your time.
     
    #1 panlove0705, Jul 20, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2016
  2. faustian1

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    Perhaps it is just as simple. Or as complicated. It means you have reached a point in life where you understand how important it is. To know yourself is something that isn't really option for someone who has been in such a life-clarifying situation.

    Is there any way to convince you that the attractions you described, for which your parents shamed you intensely, are actually very common? That in the military, and everywhere, there are men who have the same thoughts, but who put them aside to take care of the business at hand? What you are discovering is that sexual orientation and fantasy are wired in a place that does not correlate very well to traditional images of masculinity. Everything you mentioned, can be found in men in all walks of life.

    Now, of course I understand this is causing a big "identity crisis" in you. But you are fighting for "your life" here, in a way similar to the other situation you described. You are no less of a man for having these thoughts. You admitted them to your wife for a reason, didn't you? Maybe that reason is that you see life through a less superficial lens than you did, before you became a soldier.

    I guess your wife didn't totally flip out on you, if she let you use her account. But I can tell you have good self esteem, from the way you wrote about your own feelings. I think your mother's effort to shame you into denial apparently has not worked. Your life is getting better. You've become a bit more genuine to your wife, and apparently she hasn't rejected you. And you sound like a pretty brave guy. What's to dislike?