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A Year of Confusion

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LostInSpace0, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. LostInSpace0

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    For the past year, I've been questioning my sexuality. I remember one day not even thinking about being gay/bi, but then it just crossed my mind and it's been stuck ever since. I remember wondering if I was gay, taking quizzes, then browsing gay porn and photos of male genitalia; I looked at penises like 1 hour ago. The first result or "check" was good, but then I told myself it wasn't good enough. I went back to check and I think because I was already satisfied with the first result, I wasn't gonna be happy with the rest. I wasn't, and I ended on an okay note. I never had a chubby, but my member wasn't the softest it could be except for the first check and maybe the last. I may check tomorrow.

    I've also been obsessing over the possibility of me liking this guy. He's good looking, but I don't think I like him. I remember before the class we had together, I would tell myself that if I got nervous around him, then I liked him. I think I put so much pressure on myself that I started getting "anxious" around him. Sometimes, he would speak to me, and I would feel my face getting hot. You know how you get excited around your crush and you smile? He would speak to me and I would think "Don't talk to me. I'm not ready to; it's too sudden for me". I think I was more scared than excited, but idk. The last two encounters we had were not that stressful for me. I barely think about being in a relationship with him, and it sounds weird. Like when I think about kissing him or holding hands, I feel nothing. I don't get butterflies, I just feel blah.

    There's a girl I may like, but I don't get nervous around her. I think a lot about kissing and hugging her, dating her, and stuff. I remember sitting next to her, and I loved it. I loved talking with her. I was pretty mad when the teacher changed our seats. She may have a bf because she went to prom with a guy, and I am kinda jealous about it; she is stunning and so beautiful.

    I still can't stop stressing about being gay or bi. I don't think I am (I will have to look at more gay porn tomorrow to see - I didn't check any today). I tild my family about it, and I saw a doctor and he recommended psychiatrists for me. My family jokes a lot about homosexuality, and they know I have been obsessing about it for a year. I feel like they don't care about my mental health. Then, I think that I get so hurt because I am in denial about my sexuality. I tell myself that I must be 100% straight. I haven't seen a psychiatrist yet, so I'm dumping all this out. I feel like I may have OCD (I show symptoms now and have in the past, but I feel like that it's not good enough to be diagnosed). I also could slightly have a chance of having GAD, but idk (I was so scared of not getting 100's on my spelling tests as a 9 and 11 y/o, I would cry a lot and go to the nurse saying I had an illness to skip the grading part). I seriously want a mental illness; I want it so bad. I want it more than I wanted straight A's in 8th grade. If I don't have a mental illness, I don't know what I will do.

    I guess I'll have to see a therapist to know. I'm sorry if you guys think I hate the LGBT community, I have many friends in that community. I'm sorry this is long and boring, but I don't who to talk to. My family doesn't understand. I am turning 18 in a month, so maybe I could schedule an appointment myself at that point? I'll be a senior in high school so I dunno if I'll have the time. Thanks for reading if you got this far; I really appreciate it. I'm sorry I go off topic a lot.
     
  2. Alexrocks1253

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    Maybe you're bicurious? Which means that you like girls, but you have a tiny bit of sexual attraction to guys.
     
  3. LostInSpace0

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    I feel like if I was then I would have done something about it. I remember telling a girl that experimentation is not for me. She asked who I like, and I said girls. I don't want to experiment; it's not my thing. I'm not a touchy feely person. If a guy (or girl) even puts an arm around me, I feel uncomfortable. Imagine how I would feel during sex. I just don't wanna take it that far with a guy (I don't want to even start getting touchy with a guy). Idk, I have never had my first kiss. When I think about kissing a guy, something feels off. There's just no feeling behind it.

    I do not want to come off as hostile to your interpretation/opinion; I am very fragile and if someone says something about me that I do not agree with, I get upset and ask myself if what I am putting out is how I really feel. I guess I depend on peoples' thoughts about me too much. I do not want to say you are wrong, because I do not want you to think you are not helping me. Thanks for the reply. (I know I just contradicted myself in this post).