Ive been obsessed over this for a little while now and I want it to stop. I know my truth, and that truth is that in my heart I am gay. But my mind is thinking so so much, its so blurry, I cant think rationally, and it hurts. I was first afraid I might have an attraction to guys (or that I will) when I heard of sexual fluidity and lesbians changing into straights or bisexuals, etc, and I was scared I would end up something Im not. That fear led to overanalyze and worry about everything, and it muted my feelings about both genders so thoughts became hard to distinguish. Ever since I started overthinking, I found myself thinking about straight stuff to see if Id like it. The short answer is no. The long answer: Romance: even if compliments, hugs, cuddles, and etc would feel comforting and flattering as they naturally are, it just wouldnt be as warm/fuzzy/happy as it could be with a girl. But I still think about it anyway. Sex: thoughts may cause mild body sensation, but the lust, desires and other sensations I feel with girls are not there. In my imagination its fine I guess, but when I would actually see naked men Id cringe hard. The thought of actually doing it in real life grosses me out. Mild body sensations but no emotional desire/connection. It wouldnt be intimacy, just the act. Since the overthinking started, Ive had intrusive straight thoughts, and have been noticing guys more. (BUT it feels like Im just looking at EVERY guy and asking “do you like him? what about him? or him?“ and even if they are good looking chaps I dont feel much.) Before the thinking started, that didnt happen. But this worry mostly sprouted from the fear I might lose feelings for girls. Ive been thinking of girls less lately, when it used to be everyday, its now 1-3 times a week I have a good fantasy, and I cant imagine romance at all. When these fantasies are over and fade off, I overthink again and worry theyre gone forever, only for them to come along back. So, its kind of a never ending cycle. Fantasy-confidence-lack of feeling-unconfidence-overthinking. But when I do have these feelings, it truly is heaven. The only reason it would ever make me uncomfortable is because my heart beats too hard! Sexual desires? infrequent. Romantic desires. pretty much gone, and have been for a while. The thought of losing this causes me paranoia. The feelings I have had for women were so incredible, beautiful, wonderful, special.. it just feels so good, its a part of who I am and I dont wanna let go. I do have other issues that could be causing my lack of interest. Ive been feeling empty since the beginning of school, which is when I first noticed I couldnt quite picture myself with girls anymore. Its an emptiness thats been numbing all my feelings. Im so afraid. I dont want to lose who i am. The core of this fear is being forced to trade in natural feelings for something I like less. If I turned out being straight or bi Id honestly want to die. I mean if a special girl is never coming what else is there to live for. A marriage with a man would be an unhappy and boring marriage. The simple answer to this is that girls feel so much more intense than boys, so girls are what I want. But my mind says otherwise. It feels like its playing tricks on me and brainwashing me heteronormatively all over again- I finally know what love is, dont take it from me! I dont know whats right or wrong and I want my brain to stop. Im afraid Im probs just a bi in denial, but if I were bi, I would actually want to date guys. Which I dont. I personally feel I am Kinsey 5, gay but curious. But living my life with a man sounds miserable. I know my brain is wrong. So how do I stop overthinking? Or am I really just in denial?
You sound very much like a lesbian to me, friend. I know overthinking can make you anxious, but you have nothing to worry about. *hug* You're gay and that's great. You're a beautiful speck of rainbow dust in a starstrewn velvet canopy. You are fully you, and no amount of anxiety can take that away from you.
I get it I too am a Kinsey 5 and wish I was either clearly bi or clearly gay. I identity as lesbian. It's whatever feels comfortable. You don't want to date a guy so you can certainly identify as lesbian if that's what feels like who you are. Good luck I hope this helped even a little.
