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Possibly bisexual...but from a lesbian angle

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by DissonantMars, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. DissonantMars

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2016
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    Location:
    Bismarck, ND
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So I know I'm into other girls. I'm just not sure if I'm into guys? Men and I share a rather complicated relationship. I can find them attractive and even wish they would like me back. Sometimes I fantasize about being married and having a male soulmate, being affectionate. But when it comes to sex and romance? I can feel the anxiety building in my chest just thinking about it. I've never suffered any childhood abuse that I can recall, but when men try to pursue me, I feel vulnerable, like prey. My skin crawls, I feel exposed, used. Heterosexual fantasies stress me out, and my mind just 'nope's out. And this was even before I discovered I have vaginismus. I have great trouble finding myself attractive, which is multiplied tenfold when trying to believe men can find me attractive. I just feel like they have this image of what a woman should be, and I am not it. I feel like I have to try to be someone/something else to try to attract them, and it gives me tons of anxiety. Having a crush on a guy is really complicated, too, because the moment I start wanting to be more than friends, it stresses me out in the above-mentioned way, thinking I have to act a certain way as the opposite sex should.

    I'm thinking it has some to do with my childhood programming. My poor mother tried to raise me to be a virtuous Christian, to abstain from lust and sex until marriage, but I think my child brain took it to the extreme, and I developed an anxiety when thinking about 'falling into temptation'...with men. Totally not her intention. So I grew up kind of avoiding any sort of flirtation with guys.

    That, plus my male (ex) best friend of nearly ten years took up all my attention with his near-predatory clinginess and unwanted sexual comments and advances; I didn't have time for other men while dealing with him. He represents so many qualities in men I despise now, though not all of them. He's eight years older than me and became interested in me while I was still (slightly) a minor. Throughout our 'friendship', he loved to stereotype me and make his own little mental image of me as short, cute, perfect, etc. to fit his ideal female. He often made sexual comments or spoke irreverently of my sexual anatomy, and whenever I told him to stop, he somehow found reason to call me the worst human being he's ever met + other victimized insults. I felt dehumanized, objectified, fetishized. He always said he'd never get over me if I found a boyfriend, and that made me feel obligated not to have one (especially because he was constantly borderline-suicidal). He was very passive-aggressive and manipulative in the most gas-lighting way; he always denied it. He made me feel like I was the worst person, that I felt the need to apologize for being unworthy of him. Until I got sick of his crap and broke free of the toxicity.

    Sorry that was a bit of a tangent, but I think it really lends to my current perspective of men? It's just...really really hard to trust them.

    So...do my crushes make me technically somewhat bisexual? Or does my visceral aversion negate that?

    (Even worse is that I'm still undecided whether or not homosexuality is a sin (grew up believing it was), and it eats me up inside to think I'll go to hell if I pursue the gender that makes me feel at-ease. I don't want to be alone... ...But that's a different issue.)