I realized I was gay about 5 months ago, and initially was just just shocked that I didn't know earlier. I also cried a little bit, but that was purely due to the realization that I obviously didn't know myself properly, and so I had a brief moment of panic surrounding my identity in general ("what else don't I know about myself?!") It was silly. The more time passed, the more it sank in and I became more comfortable with it, and it no longer became the first thing I thought of as soon as I woke up. But I still have moments of shame. Partly because I already find it very difficult to make friends and find people I can connect with in that way let alone romantically, but also it just seems to be something deeper. My family isn't homophobic, but they never talk about it either. But I feel really guilty because there are so many people out there who are my age and out and proud and live their lives normally, and ME feeling shame feels like an insult to them. If so many other people can accept themselves and so many others are so supportive these days, why can't I seem to shake my shame away?
It's because society is shaming you, on many levels, for being gay. Society is hetero-sexist, without a doubt. Tbh, I'm sort of bi, or as my wife likes to say, straight be has sex with men occasionally, and it's done the same thing to me, intense shame and guilt. Frankly, I'm going to see a therapist to deal with it, and that may be your best course of action as well. If not, at least find someone you can that you can talk to.
Yes, what MVP said. Even if your family is cool, it's so easy to pick up on the general feeling that you're "different" and "different" equals "wrong." Things are getting much better with visibility and representation, but there are still currents of backlash. Not undercurrents, but big waves still. But don't feel bad with yourself for having learned or internalized shame that way. That doesn't make you wrong or a bad person. And please don't feel you're somehow letting other people down. The main person is you. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea.
I don't blame you for feeling shame, I feel it too sometimes. The world has normalised heterosexuality - all other sexualities are "not normal" and that's why you would feel the shame, because as AmyBee said, being different = being wrong in today's world. In adverts, it's nearly always straight couples, TV shows are catching up a little but I've noticed a lot tend to focus on "oh my god look at how this gay person is affecting all these straight people with their gayness!" instead of on the gay person or their relationship. When people around you are constantly sending you signals that you're doing wrong or being bad, it's extremely easy to internalise that feeling, and you don't need to feel sorry for that at all. Please don't feel like an insult to out gay/bi people, I can assure you that no one is offended by your feelings.
Part of the coming out process is learning to deal with shame; and it is a significant part of the process to self acceptance. I agree with what some of the other posts suggest relating to societal standards, your task at hand is to learn to manage the shame. I say manage, because shame does run deep as you have already recognized with your post. You can manage it however. I say manage it because not everyone is able to completely overcome the shame, they learn to understand it, put it in its place and not let it interfere with their lives. Some can overcome it, and if you can, that is great for you. Best to have your expectations set properly from the onset. There is a great tool you can use to put yourself in a position to get through your shame (whether you learn to simply manage it or conquer it), and that is through vulnerability. Open you mind up and make yourself vulnerable. When you make yourself vulnerable and find success following such vulnerability, you build confidence in yourself and diminish the shame. What does this really mean? Well, try getting involved in LGBT community activities. Surround yourself with other LGBT. Participate in pride events. Push yourself to do things that you otherwise would resist doing. As you expose yourself to such activities, I believe you will find out a lot about both yourself and others, and that will help mitigate the shame.
