I'm not attracted to guys sexually, instead I like girls in that way. Which is not an issue. My issue is that lately, I've been realizing I often seem to get absolutely infatuated with guys. I'm not sure I'd even want a romantic relationship with any of them since I'm not much of a romantic person (if that has anything to do with it). Then again, the idea of kissing them when this happens doesn't bother me in the least, I've been thinking I might even enjoy it to some extent. I feel tempted to do it, anyways. The want to know if they like me or not drives me crazy too. The thing is, as I said, I don't feel any sexual attraction to guys and any kind of relationship would just make me uncomfortable since the infatuations seem to be very short lasting (but at the same very high impact) and everything goes away when the infatuation is gone, I just see them as friends. Is there anything I can do about this? It's just a nuisance and getting a bit annoying recently, not to mention that most guys I know are straight in the first place and wouldn't be interested in me.
First, I can't know what's in your head, I can only conjecture, so that's all this is. Many people, when they first start to confront their sexual orientation, and the fact that they may not be straight, have experiences similar to yours. They might acknowledge there are some things that they like about the same sex, but there are things they like about the opposite sex as well. As we process any sort of loss (in this case, the loss of perception as straight) there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. And so, for example, saying "Well, I like girls, but I might enjoy kissing a guy" can be part of the early stage of bargaining, which typically looks like "OK, I can acknowledge that I like guys, but I still want to end up with a girl." In a similar vein, the "Well, most guys I know are straight and wouldn't be interested in me" can be a sort of sham argument that conscious throws up to try and reject the idea that we could be gay. (If you think about it... that's a totally bogus argument, as you could easily find gay guys to date if you wanted to.) And, too, the lack of sexual attraction to guys you describe can be deceiving: You say you might enjoy kissing them, and at the same time, say that a relationship would make you uncomfortable. Again, this is common to the early part of the bargaining stage; in a way, it's saying "OK, well, I'll let it go this far, but it's not going any further, because that would mean I'm gay." And almost all of this takes place in the unconscious... so we have no conscious awareness about it. One thing you can do, that is usually fairly indicative of where your hardwired orientaion lies, is test yourself by masturbating without porn. In one session, fantasize about being with girls... and in another, fantasize about being with guys... and then try some where you simply let your mind wander. Usually, you find that one or the other creates a much stronger level of arousal and excitement. And that is usually a pretty good indicator of what the underlying orientation is. Keep in mind... if it's guys, it would not be unexpected to be super excited right up until the moment of ejaculation... and then feeling immediate disgust. This is the fight going on between conscious and unconscious. And again... none of this may apply to you. But it can't hurt to experiment and see where it leads you.
I agree with Chip. When I first began questioning I thought I might be a Hetroromantic Homosexual. It turned out the more I was with guys the more I enjoyed it and it felt normal to me. I think for me it was myself just trying to hold on to that straight identity.
