Hi Everyone 23 yo cis female ... I'm sorry in advance for how long this is gonna be. I have always identified as straight, but lately I'm not so sure. Here is the "evidence" I have gathered: Crushes: I have always had crushes on guys. I've had celeb crushes on girls (but I hear they don't count). I do have a crush on my boss, though I never met her face to face. Does that count if it was just over skype conferences? I have definitely obsessed over her (i.e. is that girl her roommate or gf? would she like me in this lipstick? etc) Dreams:I have only ever had sex dreams about women. There have been 2 dreams with a guy in them, but it was a threesome with me and another girl. I have even had "innocent" cuddling and first date dreams about women, but never men. Porn: I prefer f/f porn. To the point where if I accidentally see a man, I am turned off and cannot orgasm. Physical Attraction: I am definitely attracted physically to both, but I am pickier with guys. As in, I am completely turned off by certain hair colors/ styles, height/weight/muscle tone. With girls I find them all pretty for different reasons. History: I have kissed a lot of girls and had 2 threesomes (with another girl) but they were with my abusive ex. He pressured me into a lot of sexual things, so I'm not sure if I went so far with her because he wanted me to or I wanted to myself. Come to think of it, most of my sexual history has been based on what I think men want from me, and not what I actually feel like doing. Whether that be kiss a boy or a girl. Now: I am dating a guy I really like as of 3 years, but I have been having trouble orgasming with him (never used to happen) and I am having a harder time getting into the physical stuff. Other things to note: I was sexually assaulted about 2 years ago, so maybe that is what is making me feel unsure about guys. Social Circle: I have always, since I was 3, had LGBTQIA+ friends. I have a hard time connecting to straight people. Maybe I'm attracted friend-wise to these people because I am like them? Maybe I just want to be bi so I can fit it with the cool kids? Since I'm so old (23) shouldn't I have figured this out sooner, since my family is crazy liberal? Maybe it seems normal to kiss girls because I literally grew up around it. Maybe I look at girls because through internalized misogyny I see them as sex objects. I just don't know and it's been driving me crazy... Any insight?? And thanks for reading all this...
Hi, I'm also at least mostly straight but have recently been questioning. I've never had sex dreams about women or had sex with women or fantasized about women or get turned on by f/f porn. HOWEVER, the kinds of women in porn are not the kinds I have felt drawn to. I seem drawn to really butch women. Really butch, "masculine" features and cockiness. But it's not that I'm confused if they're men. They're women, obviously. It's something about the combination of the hard and the soft that seems to be attractive to me. That said, I'm not sure if this is a full on sexual attraction or some kind of platonic admiration. I'm kind of lurking around reading posts to see if I can gain insight on what I'm feeling.
Here is my opinion on everything: Crushes: This is definitely a huge indicator. It still counts if It's over skype, in my opinion. Most of my crushes have been on long-distance friends, and we've dated without knowing one another. I'm rarely attracted to women on a frequent basis, just a select few. I know some people still think they're straight if they have "rare" crushes on women, but to me this makes no sense since I would be classified as asexual by this logic. Dreams: Huge indicator. This clearly indicates that you are attracted to women to some extent. I would never have such dreams about a man. Porn: This is not always an indicator of sexuality. Studies prove that women enjoy all kinds of porn, even if it doesn't match their sexual orientation. Plenty of 100% straight women like F/F porn because It's more gentle and less degrading. Plenty of lesbians hate F/F and strictly watch M/M porn, but not due to attraction to the actors. It could be an indicator of your sexuality if you're first coming out, though, since you're curious and new to same sex attraction. When I first came out, I strictly watched F/F porn, but now I hate it and only watch M/M porn. I've always been a lesbian, never attracted to men at all, It's just that most F/F porn is very fake and directed at straight men only. While M/M porn is slightly more realistic and has better sex acts/scenery. I just dissociate and pretend they are both women. So this one depends on the situation. Physical Attraction: Aesthetic attraction isn't always the same as sexuality. There are straight women who find other women better looking due to social conditioning, but wouldn't date them or sleep with them. I'm a lesbian and I don't find most women to be good looking at all. I am very picky with how they look, and turned off by the media image of women. I think It's normal to be more picky with people you're attracted to, since you're trying to access whether you'd date them or not. The bigger question is would you actually sleep with the women you find pretty and/or date them. Same with the men. History: Sexual orientation isn't the same as sexual behavior. Some gay people sleep with the opposite sex due to being closeted but are still gay. It sounds more like you slept with women to please your boyfriend, which is not the same as sexual attraction. It's also possible that being sexually abused is confusing you, since It's not uncommon for assault victims to be averse toward sex with men due to trauma. Many are still straight, but have a more damaged sense of sexuality compared to other straight women. The difficulty orgasming could be a part of trauma as well. So I wouldn't view this as a hint unless I knew what you thought separate of the trauma. Social Circle: I'm not sure about this one, in all honesty. I think some people want to fit in with select groups, but it could also be a sense of belonging you felt in these groups. So it COULD be an indicator. Overall, I say the first two and last ones are the biggest hints, but not so much the others. If I had to guess, you might be at least bisexual, but your sense of trauma toward men is making the attraction limited. There are some hints that are directed in both ways here, so I can't say for sure.
Creativemind's post is really fantastic. I completely agree about crushes being an indicator (I can't say about dreams since I mostly don't remember them). Key question about your boss = do you want to be her, or do you want to be WITH her? I had a bad sexual experience (as in nonconsent), although fortunately it did not escalate further than that one time, so I can't comment on an abusive relationship, and I also can't comment on any one else's experience but my own, I will say that I've had problems with people touching me as a result, and that includes friends (I flinch sometimes). I think I am still afraid of some men, exacerbated due to that experience. For me, that's caused general problems with intimacy, rather than a switch in sexuality or sexual preference. Therapy/support groups/any support are really helpful things that I highly recommend! It's amazing how things can flare up again randomly. I feel like often my straight female friends choose between either completely owning their sexuality and getting what they want or being completely submissive and not really learning or asking for their own pleasure. I also think that part of growing up and part of gaining more experience is about learning how to ask. I would say most importantly, don't worry! Be comfortable talking with your boyfriend, and perhaps try new things with him! Sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful ;D If it's not working, talk with him about it, since he's part of your support network I presume.
