Gosh darn it Im sorry for posting again. I've been through so much anxiety lately and just ugh. I was completely confident I was a lesbian before this happened. At first it really was just anxiety. I thought about guys so much worrying I was straight, and even though I felt disgusted by it at first, I think I thought about it so much to the point I desensitized myself to it. I last had my good same sex daydream today. Why do I feel so torn apart?! I went from feeling disgusted to "not all that bad." But I still don't quite feel that same intense desire for boys that I did for girls. That magical feeling. But now even girls are becoming harder to think about. I don't quite feel so quite connected to the word "lesbian" like I did when I first accepted it. "Straight" seems to replace that, even though it doesn't match my strongest truest desires. What if I really have turned myself straight???? It's not who I am yet I feel like I'm being taken over by unwanted feelings anyway. The best thing I ever felt is being stripped from me. I just want a special girl in my life. Now I'm doubting there will ever be one. If there was meant to be one. If I was ever meant to STAY lesbian. It tears me apart, why so soon? I never even got to date any girls. Maybe I'm too attached to my past feelings. I wanna be gay so much. I remember when it first felt so right. I looked into my future and saw a beautiful wife. I had three amazing crushes that made me feel wonderful. But maybe I'm just holding on. I don't know if I can ever feel this way again. I don't wanna let go. This is my CORE IDENTITY. I don't want to be straight, everything would feel missing, I wouldnt be ME, but I'm scared that maybe I just can never be with a girl despite my desires. I feel anxious everyday. I sometimes even break down and cry. Nothing reassures me at all. If I really am straight/bi shouldn't I actually want it as much as I did girls? Girls are something that once brought me to rightness, euphoria, love.. I feel like my soft spot is being filled with something that's not supposed the be there. Replacing the natural feelings and I can't do anything about it. I don't wanna accept it in. I just wish it would stop. I want to be FIXED. Cause right now I feel so BROKEN AND UNNATURAL. Help me.. ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2016 at 03:40 PM ---------- I don't think I'm actually attracted to guys. But I tried opening my mind to them romantically and now I'm seeing things I couldn't before. I don't know if it's genuine. But I don't want to let go if girl memories. But something tells me not wanting to let go us a sign of denial and ugh. Even if I could make a relationship work with a boy it wouldn't be as magical as a girl. But I can hardly see myself with girls now. Or maybe that's just my anxiety. But really. If it's denial I'd rather accept it but I've always been lesbian. I'd rather be lesbian but now I don't know if I can go back.
I had (okay, am having) similar issues like that and it's okay. I know you probably heard that many times before, but do not worry about labels and your old identity while you're questioning. Just explore your feelings without judgement. If you feel something about girls? That's okay. Feeling something about boys? It's okay too. Don't feel nothing at all? It happens. You need to change your focus. When you are questioning like that, the best thing to do (in my opinion) is to make believe you do not have any labels yet and go with the flow. Don't worry, you'll find the right identity soon. Good luck.
It sounds like you are having a lot of anxiety. I'm sorry that is happening. If you like girls, then you like girls. If you like guys too, then you like guys too. Liking guys doesn't mean you don't like girls. Can you think of what prompted you to make this post? What's been happening in your life recently that has made you want to reach out?
Just my general anxiety- that's been prompting me to write MANY posts! (Which probably annoyed a lot of EC users.) It's just that my anxiety doesn't stop. No matter how much I reassure myself I go right back into the cycle again. Even if I had a good same-sex fantasy literally a few hours ago, I'm thrown right back into the cycle. Thing is I'd much rather have girls, but Ive been on the cusp of maybe accepting myself as bi, but I don't really trust my opposite sex feelings to be real- they've only surfaced/seemed possible after over thinking it for a certain amount of time. I certainly don't want them to be real. All I really want is a good, fulfilling relationship with another girl. Things flucuate from "yes, I can see this happening!" to "no, I cant" very easily. I tried to retrace my steps. I think it kinda happened like this: 1. Thought I might be asexual 2. Learned that asexuals might be late bloomers, and can develop sexual attraction later on. I became worried this might happen with me and boys. 3. Turns out I'm not ace. But I haven't been able to see myself with girls as frequently recently and that worries me into thinking my orientation might have changed. 4. Doubt really starts to kick in. 5. Starting to do "checks" and think about guys in my head. It digusted me but I still convinced myself to think about it. 6. I can still like girls! Fantasies are back in now and feel great. Still doing checks. Wondering if it's maybe possible. 7. I start to lean even more towards maybe even though I don't want that happening. Anxiety intensifies. Still can think about girls. 8. By now it's just a vicious cycle.
I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed about this. (*hug*) Maybe it would help to just not think about your orientation for a while. Give it a break and focus on other things, then come back to it once you have less anxiety.
It might not have been written towards me, but it sounds a lot like you might have HOCD. Really, have a look at that.