No, I'm not freaking out this time. I'm chill, I'm chill, I can think clearly now, trust me this won't be a huge rant like the other ones XD Since I started overthinking about the fear I may be bi/straight, I started off feeling disgusted by my thoughts, then time passed and my thoughts became more tolerable, but still not pleasurable. Looking at my core self, it feels right to say I'm a lesbian and I like girls. But another side feels like I should call myself bisexual, or at least biromantic. I starting to feel maybe a bit okay with calling myself that, but I know I shouldn't because the word does not describe me. I know bi people tend to not care about which gender they end up with. But I do. I want to have a girlfriend someday, because that reflects what my romantic/sexual desires are. It's what gives me joy. But I've still been confused because I still heavily appreciate guys both asthetically and platonically, and I'm curious on whether my feelings can actually be stronger than that. Don't get me wrong, guys have super cool personalities, and can look really cool at times, and I like to embrace my appreciation of how COOL they are. But I try to visualize marriage with them, and the feelings come out confusing. It's not nessecarily disgust. It's more of an indifference. I feel like I could care about a boy, but in a very platonic, friendly way. If I ended up getting married the relationship would be somewhat one-sided. Like Id want to care about them but I would feel no real love for them. I know I have never felt real, genuine attraction to guys, but I can't help bit wonder if I have the capacity or ability to feel that way. Which of course, feels very mind-boggling. "If I got close enough to a guy friend, could you feel anything for him?" Which just brings me back to the feeling that we'd make great friends but not lovers. So if I'm not attracted to men in that special way, I'm obviously a lesbian. But then ANOTHER fear comes in. I actually feel slightly alienated in the LGBT community. I know deep down who I love and that makes me queer and proud, but I can't shake off the feeling the community does not represent me. It's just some (not all) of the community role-models are so show-offy about thier orientation and makes it seem that being queer is all that they are. Like I do love girls, but I don't feel the constant need to embrace it. It's just a part of who I am. It doesn't make me feel special, it's just normal for me. But the way so many lesbians represent this sexuality and our experience makes me feel excluded somehow, which makes me question even more if I belong more under the bi label. But like I said. It's appreciation, not attraction. So I don't know why it nags me so much, unless I'm just uncomfortable with calling myself bi.
Hey, you call yourself whatever you are most comfortable with. Don't worry about what you "should" call your orientation; you just go with what feels right. (*hug*)
I think everyone wants to feel like they belong to a group given the tribe-ish nature of humanity as a species, but I wouldn't let wanting to fit in define who you are. You are you. If you're a lesbian, then okay. If you're bi, that's cool too.
