This Friday night I was having a wild time at a festival and something happened that made me quite upset. I met this man who was a tree surgeon, and he was very good looking. I was interested in him. And we had a conversation in which we forcibly tried to make the occupations of tree surgeon and student of Japanese seem totally related. We danced and drank and got rather close and it was all fun and all until we kissed. We kissed and it was disgusting and it felt like we were fighting. And I thought back to the only other two kisses I've had. Again at parties. One with another guy that felt EXACTLY the same. And one with a girl that was really good. Somehow this really made me wanna cry. I let the tree surgeon kiss my hand and continue to try and woo me because I felt like none of this was his fault so I couldn't tell him to fuck off but I was uncomfortable. My older sisters who I was at the festival with came back from wherever they had been and asked if he was bothering me because I obviously wasn't happy but I just said "no" because I didn't want to have that conversation really... And we found a good band and had a good dance. I never saw the tree surgeon again. It made me quite upset. I think its because although I've only felt like I've ever fallen in love with girls... I've always liked guys. Like, I did think he was good looking and I enjoyed messing around with him. I never felt like I was in denial before I decided I liked girls. These days, now I know, I'm not all that interested in guys, but I felt like I had the potential to be with a guy since I do think their attractive and I can fantasise about them (haven't recently though). I've floated between the labels bisexual and lesbian. But these kisses seem to be guiding me more towards lesbian? I was hoping I would get some sign to tell me but it just seems weird... I don't feel like I'm a proper lesbian. Plus how much weight do I put in drunk kisses? Shouldn't they be bad? Except the one with the girl was so much better... And that seems to match where my head is going generally. I just really needed someone to talk to about this because it upset me a lot somehow. It really did.
Don't usually bump but I've been ruminating in a valley with no signal for 2 days and I hope someone has something to say.
Were any of your kisses part of a meaningful relationship? I'm not sure you can put too much weight into drunk kisses unless you've got a larger sample size where a true pattern emerges. When you're not drunk, how do you feel about being with one or the other? Why don't you feel like a proper lesbian? What is that, exactly? I don't believe there's a proper and an improper anything. If you prefer women over men, no matter what activities you engage in, you're a lesbian. Aren't you? Unless you purposely partner up with a man because you're wholeheartedly attracted to him in every way, I don't think you need to worry.
Yeah I'm a stunted little 18 year old kid with no experience of relationships and all so I think I need someone to tell me that drunk kisses mean nothing because I just don't know! I do feel like my sample size is lacking hahah. I'm sorry I'm so silly, but I cant help getting all worked up about stupid things... I don't feel like I can really call myself a lesbian because 1. I was fine with the idea of relationships and sex with guys in theory until I realised I liked girls - now I'm not keen. Never liked the idea of oral with guys at all though... 2. I've always been bloody sex obsessed and I watched a lot of gay male porn and fantasised about random (not real) guys to masturbate. Worked fine. But i dont do it any more because my desire for girls has overwhelmed me. Basically i dont know what to think about this sort of thing cos i can pretty much masturbate to anything. 3. Some guys are gold looking like Mr Tree Surgeon. I absolutely notice this. I feel gay when I realise that I've fallen head over heels for girls and felt more emotions than I knew I could feel. I've never cared for a guy more than this sort of feeling I had with the tree surgeon that just ended in a horrible horrible kiss. I mean when I fancy a girl I meet randomly like him it's still a different feeling... I also think about how I couldn't care less about male celebrities and I just loooove my girl ones... I just can't get attached to guys (except my friends, but that's FRIENDS.) My best friend theorised that I would "go out with girls but maybe have sex with some guys", which seemed to hit the nail on the head to me. But... actually kissing a guy turns out to be disgusting? So am I in denial about being a lesbian? I feel like all this information should make me bi somehow but perhaps I'm wrong... Either way it doesn't seem like the right experience for being a lesbian.
I too am floating between bisexual and lesbian. I've kissed at least 20 guys, pretty much all drunk. And 2 girls drunk too. Lots of times with the guys I've enjoyed the game leading up, especially when they were hot, I've thought I fancied them, my friends have agreed they're hot, I've felt excited chatting/flirting with them sober. But ALL the kisses, 20/20 were "meh" - to varying degrees. Sort of like "oh this is happening, I'm bored, when will it stop" And if things began to go further I generally felt numb and disgusted, especially lately as I've been accepting how non-straight I am. Then the girls, it was like fireworks were going off, addictive and it made sense. One was a complete stranger and I was so drunk I can't even remember her face, but it was still a million times hotter and more exciting than any of the guys. Yes drunk kisses can be bad. But for me I can't deny that statistics show it's unlikely that I've just had a string of bad male kissers. Don't do things because you feel you should. I know I've got really upset in similar situations. You can meet new people drunk, enjoy learning about each other, have a dance, like them as a person, think they look amazing and are cool but you don't owe them anything. Same as if you met the coolest middle aged man. I also think it's okay to hang on to the possibility of liking guys. I'm the same with growing up with certain fantasies that seemed far from lesbian, but the interest in them disappearing as I start to accept myself. Sorry if this is no help and too much about me, and I'm sorry that the kiss upset you! xx
I think Really makes a good point about drunken kisses not being that great, or even any kiss with somebody who's practically a stranger. Based on what you've said here, a lot of later in lifers wouldn't be able to call themselves a lesbian due having had previous relationships with men. 1. Possibly the theory is appealing because it's what's considered normal? Is it the idea you're attracted to? Particularly, if you'd not considered women as an option before. This is how it sort of was for me, I'd never considered women to be an option until recently and now think that's where my preference is. It's interesting that you mention oral with guys. For me, that is the worst bit of sex with guys. It makes me feel sick. 2. We've got a lot of similarities on this too. For me, I'd just never allowed myself to think about women that way before. Now I don't want to fantasise about men. 3. I too can see when a guy is good looking, but I wouldn't want to actually have sex with one. However, that's because I've done it and I know how it goes, and I don't think I'd get much out of it. From my experience, since I've been aware of my attraction towards women, I've found kissing my partner more awkward than having sex. The sex is still very much going through the motions, but I find that kissing highlights what's missing in our relationship more.
Omg no it's not too much about you, thank you. I actually love hearing about other people's stories and how they might relate to mine. Stops me from thinking I;m just being ridiculous and it's just me. 20 is definitely a better sample size. With the guys the kisses were awful and i definitely felt "numb and disgusted" afterwards. With this girl I kissed, yep, I was completely off my face but it was still fucking great. I mean, with Mr Tree Surgeon I was relatively sober in comparison to when i kissed that girl, and it was definitely more thought out but just horrible in the end. Yes, I probably should have gotten rid of him after the kiss, I did not owe him anything, but since I was waiting for my sisters to refind me I found it difficult just to run away. And my interest in guys has really waned... I just feel that my past shows some potential so I shouldn't just appropriate lesbianism for myself... especially if I turn out to be wrong, that would be embarassing. 1. I definitely never considered girls as an option. I didn't even have it as any more than a passing thought until about 15 and even then it was easily dismissed. Wasn't until last spring/summer that I let myself entertain the idea at all. 2. Ditto. 3. Yeah... being quite inexperienced I really don't understand whether I would enjoy sex with a guy... sex with anyone if I think about it seriously would probably be awkward right now as a virgin haha. If i'm asked to choose though, I'd rather have sex with a girl. Yeah, you see I've never been that excited about the idea of simply kissing a guy. Like, with girls, I could happily fantisise forever just about a kiss. But with guys that sort of bores me and recently ever since my first kiss with a guy, it sort of disgusts me. Kissing never played much into my fantasies about guys I used to get off to. Yet I was just thinking... I have to wait to have another kiss with a guy because that guy was obviously just a bad kisser - that's why my awful kiss with the tree surgeon the other day hit me hard. I was just waiting for another kiss with a man that would be good and prove me wrong. I'm just here rolling around thinking, WHY AM I SO GAY IT DOESN'T MAKE SEEEENSE!!! :bang: I went on holiday a few weeks ago and there were lots of good looking guys and I thought "you are so not gay, you could go for these guys" but then there was this time in a bar when i caught myself utterly mesmirised by this girl dancing, I was so attracted to her, and later I caught myself staring into the eyes of a salesgirl who was trying to pitch to me, I just wanted to devour her somehow. And this was all while totally sober. I came into the holiday feeling like I'd gotten over my gay phase in my bi-cycle or something and came out of it just feeling gayer than ever and like I could never feel the same way about guys.
