For those of you who've dealt with denial or coming out..

Was it something that was ok your mind 24-7?
Literally from the moment you wake up till you get to bed? When you do have a moment by yourself is it all you think about?
Even if you try an accept the fact that you are, do these thoughts still persist?
Does it consume your?
Lastly, do you have terrible anxiety over all of it?

Sorry for the long questions.

 

I have thought about it endlessly for the last 5 years. My main issue I'm detailing with is my past and getting over that. Before this I was fine. I dated girls, hit on girls, thought about girls, and had no problem at all sleeping with girls. One day I went to bed depressed and upset, main trigger was yet another girl saying she just wanted to be my friend. Work up the next day thinking I'm gay. I went through months and years of checking. Looking at videos, pictures, everything. To this day I have no clear answer. My liking and attracting to everyone just faded. Literally from the moment I wake up it's a constant battle. My mind constantly reminds me about being gay even if I'm just looking at a girl.

Don't know what caused the change or if it's anxiety related. I would just like a clear answer. When I was straight I never once bothered to question it and I was more concerned with how to get a girl.

---------- Post added 1st Aug 2016 at 05:49 PM ----------

How old were you when you came to terms with it all? Anything make it easier? Did you have anything in the past that you hung on to that was hard to let go?

 

Honestly that's what I thought myself, but I don't like to self diagnose. The anxiety is what kills me and literally it's everyday. Just in the back of my mind like gay, gay, gay. Trying to understand more how people come out and their denial. Maybe I'm just stubborn or maybe it is anxiety based. My entire family suffers from anxiety, mom and dad are both on meds, sister just had her attack and had to see a therapist. Only thing I question is how I would find out at 22 (now 27). When previously I loved everything about women and intercourse. Now I feel numb to everything and have a hard time even getting aroused due to the anxiety and depression.

 

Currently looking to find a therapist to help. I'd like to personally get to the bottom of it. Or at least not have it weigh on me each and everyday. I've done endless research and reading to see if this is normal for everyone when they come out or not. I know everyone is different. Either I'm just stupid and stubborn or there's mental games at play.

 

I have looked at it. I don't want to self diagnose. I know people do have issues with anxiety. Also I don't feel I fit what I've read hear about gay people. Yet I could be wrong and just be gay and not know it. I just never had had anxiety this bad over it and it's been over 4 years. I just know that naturally when growing up I always hit on and was attracted to girls.

One thing I don't share with some people is I didn't grow up in religious household, I was around gay people when younger, no one ever told me gay was being wrong, family was very open. So that's not a worry. Just trying to figure out why it would slap me randomly at 22 when I had already been dating and sleeping with women.

 

Thanks I appreciate it. I just would like to know what I'm dealing with. If I'm gay then I'm gay and life moves on. If not, then I'd like to get the constant worry out of my head. I've even talked to my sister, friends who are lesbian, and another friend that I might be gay, but I'm unsure. I thought that would realive the thought and it would go on. But, the thoughts always persist.

When I was confidently straight I never woke up wondering about it. Since this has happened, the moment I wake up the first work on my mind is gay.

 

That would be correct. I had many female friends due to my time line dancing. All wanted to be friends which was fine. I really liked this girl, went out on a date, got the I just want to be friends. Was pretty down and was texting my buddy about it. Then just went to bed and the next morning I woke up like I'm gay, that's why all these girls want to be my friend. Pretty much the start of it. I went into endless checking for years.

---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2016 at 03:40 PM ----------

Congrats on finding out and being comfortable with yourself. You're 16 so it's good you found out early.