I thought I was straight my whole life, and when I started feeling attracted to girls I thought it was just curiousity and I was not REALLY attracted but just wanted to know what it was like to be with a girl. Then the fantasies grew stronger and I thought "when I was younger and fantasized about boys and wanted to be with them, I was really just curious about sex and I just thought about straight sex because it was the "default". But now I feel like I shouldn't even try to separate curiosity from actual attraction/desire. If I thought about doing something and wanted to know what it felt like, I probably really wanted to do it at the time and those feelings were real. After all, there is a lot of sexual stuff I have never tried and have no interest in ever doing. So curiosity must mean something, right? I don't want to call my past self a liar or start thinking of my past relationships as fake. I felt straight most of the time and had a lot of "straight thoughts". I was jealous of female friends who got a lot of attention from boys because I wanted the boys to notice me instead. I looked at my female friends and I didn't understand why guys thought they were pretty. On the other hand when I was younger I remember thinking "it's a good thing that I'm attracted to girls, because if I know what makes a girl attractive, then it is easier for me to be attractive and get the goodlooking guys to notice me". I still thought of myself as straight, but that really doesn't seem like something a straight girl would think. But it doesn't seem like something a gay girl would think either. I'm pretty confused.
There's a possibility you might be bi. Or maybe you are just a little curious your feelings for boys do sound genuine.
Thanks! My feelings for girls feel stronger right now. Like maybe I used to be a Kinsey 2 but now I'm a Kinsey 4 or something. I guess my orientation has always been somewhat fluid, and that's fine. I have been obsessing a lot about why I want to be with the people I want to be with - is it actual attraction, curiousity, am I trying to prove something to myself etc. - but I think in the end I have just come to the conclusion that I have had sexual and romantic interest in men as well as women, so that would make me a bisexual
This is interesting because it's how I understand my earlier attraction to men. For me though, I didn't get much fulfillment out of the reality and I've never been attracted to male bodies. So, I would say attraction is something you feel for the person, but curiosity isn't necessarily directed towards the person, but sometimes just the act itself. Some people have quite fluid attractions, which change day to day even. Maybe read some threads on sexual fluidity to see if you can relate? I think there are quite a few on EC.
I hope I'm not making you even more confused, but how do you know? When you think about your earlier attractions, do they feel "fake"? Mine feel real, and there are some men that I have been thinking about in a sexual way for years. It doesn't feel forced, and I have had some thoughts about men I really do not WANT to be attracted to, so I don't think I am somehow making it up. I'm not sure that I am that attracted to male bodies - it's more of a personality thing. I am definitely more attracted to women's bodies, but generally I have been fantasizing more about men. It feels like two very different kinds of attraction, but they both feel sexual. It is really very confusing When you say you did not get much fulfillment out of the reality, do you mean that you never enjoyed being with a man, or did it sometimes feel right and natural? I hope I don't offend you by asking - I don't want to question how you feel, it's just refreshing to learn about other people's experinces. Anyway if you feel like you want to be with women in the future, that's what matters. I still don't know what I want, and I am trying to figure it out
No, it's fine. I've gone around and around in circles so many times I'm used to it, but I actually don't feel massively confused, which is new. I'll try to explain... - It was more about the idea, so yes it was fake. I didn't dream about kissing guys I had crushes on or anything. I just liked the idea. - With most of them, if they hadn't shown interest in me first, I probably wouldn't have noticed them. It was just filling a void, I guess. - I liked their personalities for the most part, but the thought of actually doing anything with them filled me with anxiety. I had my first boyfriend at 22 because I thought I'd better get it over with. I've never fantasised about a specific man. I've fantantisised about specific women, though. I sort of understand this. There have been threads on feeling different attractions towards men and women, perhaps you could search for them? For me, my attraction to men didn't feel sexual. That desire, urge, whatever you want to call it, has been mostly missing. Like if my partner and I hadn't sex for a few days, I'd think we probably should do it again, not that I wanted to do it again. Most of my fantasies have involved men, but I've only really allowed myself to think about women recently. So, with men it was about the scenario (hopefully not TMI), rather than being with a man. So, it wasn't about their bodies (they were always pretty much fully clothed) or about me touching them. My fantasies involving women are different. At the moment, I only want to fantasise about women. I've never really enjoyed it, to be honest, and I've had a range of reasons for why over the years. It's just going through the motions, I can't get into it. I've wanted to get into it and I've tried, but it's just not there. When I'm with my partner now, I think about women. Otherwise I can't get turned on. In the past, I've often cried afterwards because it was so frustrating and not right. There are some things that do confuse me, like how much of it is to do with my attraction to my partner specifically, and whether it's a phase of sorts. Hopefully that wasn't too long!
Thank you so much, that was really helpful. I relate to some parts of it, but not everything. In a way, it would be easier if my past attractions to men were not real, but I don't think that's the case. It really helps to read other people's stories while I am figuring out how I feel
