Since I'm not on facebook, twitter, tumblr etc. I don't really have a place to do this. I would rather talk to my friends about this in person but I don't have plans with any of them until it'd be too late. This thursday I might have a date. Maybe. We never called it that. We both met on a different website on a forum about virginity- I'm 23 years old and trying to lose it. All my life I've been attracted to males. Since my Nsync days as an 8 year old yeah I went from being a Chris girl to a JC girl. Fast forward to 11 years old and my new hearthrobs are the Way brothers from MCR. Have you ever read "My Immortal"? The "Harry Potter" fanfiction where "sensitive bi guys are hot" and it's cool for everyone to be bi but girl on girl is gross? I'm trying my best to describe how this fanfic seems to describe how I was like when I was a shitty little 12 year old. I still can't believe I ever fetishisized homosexuality. At this time I also tried dating girls because I said I was "bi" and I thought it was cool. But very soon, I realize that the LGBT is much more than "hot yaoi guyz". I was ashamed of myself telling everyone I was bi just for the sake of it and I guess I kind of shut the thought out. I spent the next 5 years telling myself and everyone that I was straight- including me ignoring this dream I had. This really pretty girl was on top of me, feeling me, and it was the closest to a wet dream I ever had. But as a "straight" female dreaming of other females- and waking up throbbing- what the heck was going on? I finally admit that I was bisexual when I was 17 and realizing I had feelings for my friend. I asked her out and she said yes but three days later she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. Age 18 first real girlfriend and first kiss. Age 19 I get another girlfriend. Neither of these relationships resulted in intimacy nor did they last more than 3 months. It wasn't until a year later I went on a date with a lesbian but nothing came from that. A year after that I made out for the first time. And still to this day I've never dated or kissed a guy. So, this thursday? I don't know if it's a date but we met on a forum about virginity so even if it is a date I don't know how much commitment/romance he expects. All I know is that we're exploring whether or not we're comfortable enough to get intimate. This is a guy though. A gender I barely have any experience with.My second girlfriend went through several gender identity changes and is actually as far as I know not a girl at all so that's a another question I have- if they're a girl at the time are they an ex-girlfriend or do I say partner? I still don't feel like I have the right to say I have an experience with guys. Even less with cis males. But my question isn't about gender identity it's the fact that I may or may not FINALLY get somewhere with a gender I presume I'm attracted to but now I can't help but wonder- Am I really attracted to males? And I know it must be really ambiguous trying to pinpoint where in my journey of sexuality did I start getting scared. I mean, I have had feelings for males before. And I fantasize about them too. I admire their bodies, even if it's just purely admiring the aesthetics. But I just don't know, why is it so easier for me to be with women? Why am I even questioning my sexuality? I should be bisexual, right? I mean, of course I'm nervous before meeting up with someone (I said before we met on the internet- but in real life the meeting place will be PUBLIC and I plan to consider all safety measures prior to meeting up with a stranger) but why am I so SCARED? I've dreamt about males too!! or do celebrities I've never met count? I keep dreaming about Ashton Irwin for some reason. I don't know why. And just the other night, I had a daughter with Luke??? I'm really scared to find out that I'm not really attracted to men at all, and that I just keep on projecting my dream S.O. behind celebrities that I like. But don't I find them beautiful and sexy? Why can't I find a female celebrity crush either??? I'm not scared of being a lesbian I'm scared of going through another sexuality change yet again. I already had to tell people I'm not bi, that I am bi, and I thought for sure by now that I am definitely bisexual. Not a lesbian. Yet...I had a friend who ended up realizing she was a lesbian. She had crushes on males over the internet just to find out that they are not what she wants at all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her own coming out and realizing of sexuality. I just don't know about mine.... If you read all of this- thank you. I only wrote this to vent my feelings out but if anyone has solid advice feel free to say something.
