When I was 13/14 I developed anorexia and completely lost my menstrual cycle for two years. I didn't know I was gay then, so I'm certain it had nothing to do with that. I just felt like I couldn't relate to anyone at school and I compared myself to everybody constantly, even my older sister. She was popular with boys and had awesome hair and I was shy and had(have) awful social skills and was feeling more and more distant from my group of friends. I was at a tiny school and I was realizing that I actually didn't enjoy my group and I thought there was something wrong with me, that not being able to find people that I connect to as friends meant there was something gravely wrong with me. So I was "dieting" (starving) myself to kind of make up for it. I wanted to at least "look good". Later I happened to be moved to a different school (a bigger one) and finally met a girl who I have so much in common with. We think alike and talk for hours. I was happier and started eating more and putting on weight. However I still had really low self esteem. I still felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with me and so my "recovery" was actually me binge eating. It wasn't a problem until I moved cities and realized I was gay, and I began eating way too much and had gotten to a certain weight. I'm not obese or anything, I'm just a bit overweight. But since I didn't go and get professional help before I still haven't gotten over my body image issues and I have a mother who constantly talks about exercise and dieting and it gives me so much guilt and anxiety. I've tried to tell her how it makes me feel when she says that sort of thing but instead she becomes defensive and says that she can 'say whatever she wants. She knows about my problems with food in the past but she never talks about it and from what I can tell, she actually hates talking about it. I do too. I don't do this as much any more, but I find it really difficult to exercise regularly because everyone in my house talks about diet and exercise so much, which is a huge trigger for me to want to curl up and hide somewhere. I hate when people even watch me exercise or watch me eat or tall about food around me, whether it actually involves me or not. And all this, plus not being able to lose weight is making the realisation earlier this year that I am in fact gay so much worse. Anyone else deal with sort of thing or have advice?
I have an issue with overeating and binge eating when I'm stressed or anxious. I'm very overweight, I have to squeeze into a standard-size seat at a themepark and it kinda hurts my sides (as I discovered yesterday... not great for my self-esteem). Since I'm a pre-everything transman, it is incredibly unhelpful to my body image and gender expression. I have large hips/thighs and a big chest and they fill me with anxiety and hatred for myself, which makes me want to eat more to make the feeling go away. I've never had an experience with anorexia, so I don't think I have as much of a deterrent to diet and exercise as you seem to, but it makes me feel awful when people bring up my weight - it makes me think of how I look to other people, which makes me think of my gender expression, which makes me feel dysphoric. I've been trying to lose weight, but I kind of have to do it without thinking about it, if that makes sense? Instead of thinking "I'm dieting", I just think "I'm eating healthy", which is something that plenty of people who don't need to lose weight do. I don't exercise for the sake of exercise, I do something else at the same time, but make sure it's an active task, such as doing housework to help my mom since she's physically disabled. I'm not "exercising", I'm "helping out around the house". Or I'll play a game with my niece - I'm not "exercising", I'm "playing tag". I also don't weigh myself, it's a very misleading thing to rely on just how many kg you are. Instead I have a picture of myself in one of my drawers (bleh) and every now and then I'll stick it to the mirror in the bathroom and compare myself to it. Seeing that I am smaller gives me confidence and lets me know I'm doing something right. It may not be the most efficient method, but it's the only one that really works for me because "diet and exercise for the purpose of losing weight" just makes me hate everything about myself. I hope some of this helps haha, if not then I apologise for rambling. ^^; Good luck!
I've been dealing with ED-esque issues for a couple years. I alternate between not eating, binging, and trying to purge all within one day. The real issue is self confidence. Having low self confidence makes life really tough. Just know you aren't alone and feel free to message me. Consider getting some professional help I promise it helps.
