I would appreciate it if you all could be totally honest with me. I'm in my later 30s, recently divorced (with a woman). I'm finally at a point in my life where I can live authentically and totally be myself and happy for it. I am ready to begin a real relationship with a guy and have my happily ever after. I don't live in a huge city, so options are somewhat limited, but it seems like nobody else is interested in the same thing. They only want sex. I've been on several "dates", which actually turned out to be hookups. I really don't like hookups anymore. I'm older and ready for the real thing. I want an emotional connection with a guy, and a deeper friendship. Not just sex. I'm still a man, I mean I want sex. But there is SO much more to a good relationship than sex. During the last "date" (which quickly became a hookup) I actually couldn't perform because there was absolutely no emotional connection with the guy. Am I being a prude? Is this how all gay relationships start......sex first, then we'll see what happens later? Please tell me... thanks. ---------- Post added 5th Aug 2016 at 10:02 PM ---------- Sorry guys, I posted this in the wrong section. Not sure how to delete yet.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex immediately in a relationship. Gay relationships are simply romantic relationships with two people of the same gender - like heterosexual relationships, some people will expect sex on the first date and some will look at you like you've gone mad if you're merely suggesting a chaste kiss. I'm not sure how you've been meeting your dates, but maybe make it clear before you meet them that sex is NOT your only goal. If you're up-front about wanting to wait and wanting a serious relationship, then hopefully you'll be able to find someone suited for you. Good luck, and hope this helps!
I am a 23yo guy that have a lot to learn yet. I don't have a past of a list of guys I did. People are different. I feel myself wanting what you describe as right now for me. I also don't want meaningless sex. I don't feel good. People are more than penieses and vaginas. People are more than their bodies. One think he can have his way to fun with you and then just leave the place like you don't matter a single thing anymore. I have tried to pick my guys very carefully and yet I am struggling to find a person who would agree to develop some sort of friendship along with the relationship. Not all gay guys are about the sex. There is you that isn't. That is me that isn't. And there is a bunch more. You need to know how to filter those bad guys before going to a date. Try to see if they care for you. And remember there will be liars that will act like they completely understand you in order to have sex with you. Don't lose hope, there are good gay guys that fit for you at every age range. Best of luck
Don't force it and yes, a lot of anxiety will make you nervous. I'm bi and it did it to me with both a girl and guy at various points.
In general, having sex on the first date changes the whole nature of the relationship. You don't have time to get to know the person, understand who he (or she) is, and make a connection that goes beyond the physical. And once you've done that... you can't easiily go back to the pre-sex state of the relationship. Personally, this isn't something I'd have the slightest interest in. And anyone that made it clear that was what they were after would be very quickly eliminated from my "interest list." If that's their first focus point, and they aren't interested in spending time getting to know one another, then it's unlikely to be someone who can even sustain a healthy, emotionally intimate and vulnerable relationship. So no, it's not old fashioned by any means; I know quite a few guys in their early and later 20s who wait until the 3rd or 4th date, sometimes longer, before any physical intimacy occurs. It's really all about the level of trust, connection, and chemistry... and if there's going to be real vulnerability, that isn't going to happen on the first date. Unfortunately, the culture of hookup apps and the ubiquitous nature of porn has sent the message that hookups are the norm and sex on a first date should be expected. But that simply isn't true. It may be true for some people... but there are plenty of others for whom it isn't. So... if those values are important to you, hold onto them. And make it clear up front to save everyone time. Also, it's worth considering where you're looking. If you're on a hookup app, forget it... most everyone there is simply interested in hookups, regardless of what it might say on their profile. It's not the place to be looking for a relationship, at least, not a healthy one.
I was generally speaking a third date kind of guy. Although when the spark was there I was not actively opposed to sooner--to be honest my husband and I (we've been together for eighteen years) had sex on the night we met. If you are encountering that expectation every time I think you should look at where and how you are meeting people. I would also say that you should try to make sure that you aren't swinging too far in the other direction, by which I mean actively husband hunting, which is different than dating. The post like yours I would have made when I was dating would have been exactly the opposite. I remember complaining to friends about how everyone was looking to get married (which you couldn't even do at the time--some twenty years ago). I was constantly thinking "wait a second, I thought we were going to the movies, how come this guy's picking out china?". Don't sleep with anyone until you want to but also don't be that husband-hunting guy. Nobody likes job interviews, no matter how much you might want the job. Date, meet people, sleep with some of them if you want--but make sure you're having fun. You're only going to make the kind of connection you want with someone if you are enjoying yourself. Nothing is more attractive than someone who is confidently enjoying themselves.
