Has anyone else been questioning their sexuality for sooooo long that you begin to panic that you're talking yourself into your feelings? Like, as a analogy, when you think about donuts for long enough that you actually start feeling like you really want to eat a donut? I've been thinking about whether I am attracted to women for what feels like such a long time now, and what initially started off several years ago as a relatively mild attraction, has now grown to the point that I think I might be gay. Do you think its possible to convince yourself of feelings for the same-sex, or do you think the feeling has always been there and that allowing myself to think about it is just revealing my true feelings?
I've been where you are—and, to some extent, I might still be there, though I've gotten to the point where I'm comfortable saying I'm attracted to the same sex. Personally, I don't think it's possible to talk yourself into being what you're not, though it's possible to talk yourself out of expressing what you are. When I was growing up, there was a lot of pressure to act straight; the prevailing belief was that homosexuality was a choice, so I spent a lot of time talking myself into being straight. I'd find myself thinking about how cute a friend of mine was, and I'd tell myself that I was just jealous of her looks. If I was struck with a thought like "I wonder what kissing her would be like," I'd just push the thought aside. Yet when I began dating a few years later, I found that I could not, no matter what I did, talk myself into being attracted to guys. Kisses would do nothing for me. Cuddling was just pleasant, and I never wanted it to go any further. Thoughts of having sex with guys terrified me. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, if I maybe had to get more comfortable with the idea of sex by dating some more. It was the last guy I dated—a wonderful, handsome, sweet guy—who made me wonder if, you know, maybe I'm just not attracted to guys. I find attraction to women comes much more naturally. It's something I've had to talk myself out of, while attraction to guys is something I have to talk myself into.
I can relate to a lot of your post. Although now, finally, I'm feeling a bit more sure of who I am. I wonder to myself so much it is not healthy, and yes at times I've thought I've made it all up by surrounding myself with websites such as this and watching shows with lesbians in them. Especially as I'm not frequently attracted to girls. But why would our minds make us constantly think about whether we like girls? Why would we be on this website and questioning for years if our thoughts weren't valid. When I doubt I just remind myself of how when I kissed a girl it felt right, how I now only fantasise about girls, how I am in a crowd and feel all the girls are so much more attractive than the guys, how in the future I do not want a relationship with a boy, I'm scared by the thought of sex with a boy, but excited by the idea of a relationship or ANYTHING with a girl. Maybe you have similar black and white things that can help to ground you?
Hey so I have A QUESTION about your post lol lately I have been questioning my sexuality as well but its the contrary of what you guys are going threw I have always fully identified myself a gay and started questioning a couple of months ago and when I always see a girl I always do the same things you mentioned in the post "I'd find myself thinking about how cute a friend of mine was, and I'd tell myself that I was just jealous of her looks. If I was struck with a thought like "I wonder what kissing her would be like," I'd just push the thought aside." does this mean I really might possibly be denying myself a bisexual or straight??
^ This is pretty much exactly how I feel! Thank you MyPugtronus for your input Its really helpful to hear that someone else has been where I have. Was there anything in particular that helped you become comfortable with your sexuality? I find I'm kind of 'stuck' between wondering if I am gay, or wondering if I am bisexual with a large preference toward women, and it's driving me mental. I'm confused as to whether I really don't feel much for men, or whether I've just taken this stance to fit into being gay, because gay is an easier 'end point', if that makes sense... As much as I would love to take the prevailing advice I've been given, which is to not label myself, I am finding that I can't accept myself without first understanding how I feel and where I 'fit' on the spectrum. Laviedadele, thank you for your advice. I think maybe I'll try think of such black and white situations and write them down for when I get into those horrible spots where I am questioning myself so much. I definitely think I really am attracted to women, and deep down I know women are my preference. Like you say, why else would I be questioning for so long, looking up websites and watching lesbian films, and getting an account on here if I was just kidding myself about these feelings? Just for some reason I am having a really hard time accepting this. I sure hope I find some kind of acceptance one day! Soner, you potentially might be bisexual, or some degree of it. I think I have heard a term on here called 'homoflexible', which is where you are mostly gay but occasionally have opposite-sex attraction in certain circumstances. You could also be a term I sometimes think of myself as, which is hetero-curious. I have no idea if it's a legitimate term haha but I figure if heterosexuals can be bi-curious, then maybe those who identify as gay can experience a similar thing, particularly if they haven't been with the opposite sex before. Just a random thought of mine anywho I was speaking to a helpline today and the lovely guy on there was telling me that majority of the people on the sexuality spectrum don't actually fall into 100% gay or 100% straight - things are a little more 'gray' than that. This was a comforting thought to me as I was under the impression that most people who identify as gay are 100% gay.
Good question. For me, I think it's because I know I don't identify with 'bisexual'. I have quite a large preference for women that I think I most closely identify with something like a Kinsey 5, because I'm really not super sure about my feelings for men (but they certainly aren't very present, strong, or common). it would make my head such a clearer place, such a defined place, if I could just conclude I am gay. I could be comfortable in a 'label' and I would then probably be more easily able to accept myself, and come out to others, because I would finally not feel like I'm stuck between labels, or teetering at the end of the spectrum so unsurely. Things would be more clear cut in my head (or at least that's how I - maybe mistakenly... - think it would be like anyway...) Does that kind of make sense?
