Hi, I'm making this post coming from a desperate place. Months ago, I started questioning my so far straight sexuality. I'm 23, from Brazil(so forgive my mistakes with english), and at the moment I'm living in UK for an exchange. Things started to get different for me the beginning this year, when I was trying to find myself in life, questioning why I was so emotionally numb and selfish, unempathetic even if a lovely old-aged couple died in a tragic accident in front of me (I wasn't able either to enjoy things like travelling or other stuff people like to do, but that was my entire life most, as very few things, like video-games, movies, music and food were able to make me feel good. At that point I was feeling I could be a sociopath or something bad like that). However, that was not the case of a depression, as I always had psychotherapy and took antidepressants, such Fluconazol and SSRI's( since I was 13. Plus side, I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 6, and having a high IQ of 135 in WISC-3 scale) These things motivated me to start some meditation trials, after reading all the benefits, as if those could help me to set free these non-existant emotions. What happened next, was the start of me questioning my sexual orientation, as I imagined an ideal-environment in my mind, forcing emotions for both men and women, and thinking about men released a feeling I'd never felt before. And then, the hell started for me like never before, as the next few months, I had to start to deal with sexual desires I never had before for men, and realizing they were much stronger than the desires I thought I had for women my entire life (I even posted something about that some months ago here at EC). Of course, I couldn't accept that, and I'm still not much accepting now. Suicidal thoughts started to arise stronger than ever, as I started to think carefully about a possible new future, and there were no more options for me. This realization has took out the hopes of having a normal and happy life for me. First, because I'll never be able to marry a woman and have biological kids like before (if I want to kids, have to go for surrogacy, and deal with unbelievable monsters of bureaucracy and law, so I can foree troubles coming; not to mention kids complaining for don't having nobody there, as I'm not planning to engage in a gay marriage). Second, like I said, I simply can't start a gay relationship of any sort. I've never found men attractive at all. Men have beard, men don't have delicate voices as women, are not soft, don't smell as good as the average women, and simply don't have this beautiful body with curves. However, my sexual desire for women is very low now, and for men sometimes it's very strong and annoys me to the point I think about chemical castration to get rid of them once and for all (but very bad side effects are deterring me). So I can't neither go for men, nor for women, and this feeling of having no solution is killing me inside. Third, in my country, even if I would one day be able to pass through all of that, people are still very homophobic, many of them die because of that, and can't show their love and emotions in public. So I can never be happy feeling locked or not free. And moving abroad is not an option, as I can't stay away from my family or friends. Living in England for one year realized I'm not apt to change to a different culture, it's too much for me. So, briefly, I'm going to be unhappy no matter what I do. I'm at the bottom of my life. I can't consider marrying, having a normal life, I can't go gay because I simply don't have attraction for me, despite craving them, and even if I could, living in Brazil pretty much is going to end me having to deal with no freedom(don't want to suffer prejudice, this is not life for me), and moving abroad is impossible, I can't adapt in a country with a different language, and the most accepting countries for LGBT people are very cold and people too distant for me, and too hard to start a real, warm and good friendship like I have in Brazil. And these thing are making me absolutely emotionally restrained. Suicidal thoughts are really arising strong, and my mood is with ups and downs like hell. I don't know what to do. Please, I need something, I need help
Guess you can't expect somebody helping you, with 50 views and no answer, even in the darkest moments of your life and when you feel suicidal...
What you are describing here is very complex and involved and it's not something we can easily address in one or two forum messages. That's not to say we don't care and don't wish to help, but these stressful feelings seem to go beyond basic confusion about your sexual orientation. It sounds like your mental health is suffering on a number of levels , that you are attributing to the recent awareness of sexual attraction to men, but I would suggest there is a lot more to it. Indeed, you told us about long term mental health problems that existed while you were still in Brazil. Did you cease psychotherapy and medication before moving to the UK? It's very easy to view complex life problems through the narrow window of our sexual orientation and I do understand how/why that happens. We feel the shame and it gives us something to blame, but all too often, it's an overreaction to something that is much more significant and your message here leads me to that conclusion. I think the awareness of same sex attraction has brought those deeper and more complex issues into sharper focus and it now seems overwhelming. I don't know how much longer you have in the UK, but I would strongly urge you to seek help and support for this crisis. If you haven't already done so, register with a GP and make an appointment for a preliminary consultation. Even if you can only get short term help, it's better than no help. If the suicidal feelings are extreme and immediate, contact Samaritans for free and confidential help and support, or arrange to visit one of their centres. Samaritans | Samaritans Upon your return to Brazil, I would suggest you re-start psychotherapy, because the deeper issues need to be explored alongside, and in the context of your same sex feelings.
Hi PatrickUk! Thank you very much for your help! Indeed, probably there are many issues involved. Luckily, I've been doing some sessions with counsellors here at the university I' doing this exchange. I've stopped the medication quite ago, mostly because it didn't helped me to feel better. I had issues before, but my journey took me to believe me that I may have these issues by not living my life, by using a mask I wasn't even aware of, probably explaining why I discovered these desires only recently. However, I'm not a professional on the subject, so I don't know if I'm right or wrong...but, I have to ask: do you think it's actually possible that the strongest source behind my numbness and depression was my unconscious supression of my true sexuality? I've never actually doubted about my desires until recently, so I'm confused
I think it's important to explore all of your feelings. Your sexuality may be significant, but some people blame everything on their sexuality, when it's only really part of a wider problem.
