So I've been tormenting myself about this quandary I'm in for quite a while, and I need to talk to someone to help me figure this out and lift this weight off. I'd be extremely grateful for any and all ideas, comments and advice. Thank you, for your time. Also, fair warning you might not like me after reading this. I accept and apologize for my personality flaws. I am EXTREMELY confused about my sexuality. Please, no one say "you're too young to know your sexuality", because I'm 21, and I've been trying to figure it out for ten years. By twenty-one I should have some idea of what I identify as. Here is a history of my sexuality. Also, I'm not sure if this is too graphic/personal for this forum or not because I rushed past the terms and conditions, so if it is, I'm really sorry. Let me begin by saying, when I was a kid, I thought I was a boy up until I started growing breasts (I know this a sexuality question but I thought it may be important to include). Even though I knew I was female, the best way I can explain it is I thought my soul was male. Sometimes the fact that I wasn't physically male really frustrated me and made me sad. I was a tomboy, and I remember having crushes on girls (I thought they were cute and liked to make them smile and wanted to kiss them). BUT, I also had crushes on boys and Orlando Bloom. When I think back on it, sometimes I think I wanted boys to like me because it would mean I was pretty, and not necessarily because I liked them. BUT I can't recall my mental processes, between 8 - 12 very well. Also I started watching porn when I was about 12 (I know that's young, I'm sorry) and I remember not liking to look at naked women, but I liked looking at penises and what the guy was doing to the girl. BUT I remember finding my step dad's Conan graphic novels and there were nicely drawn females in there and I couldn't keep my eyes off the girls' bodies, especially their boobs. I don't think it turned me on physically though. After a while I started excluding the women from the porn I watched and just watched male on male porn(by this time I was around 14 and 15). I liked the way the guy moved. Around 13 I accepted and was truly content with the fact that I was female. At this time, I wasn't getting crushes on boys for the most part, I mostly liked that they like me. I recognized their physical attractiveness but it didn't really affect me emotionally. In fact, when my sister and mom talked about loving guys and having crushes on guys and being heartbroken over a guy not liking them, I was so confused. I didn't understand why boys meant so much to them. I remember asking my mom and sister what it felt like to be in love and like a guy and I never recognized their explanations. Although, when I was 14, and I entered public school I did have a crush on a boy in my class (I thought he was cute and wanted him to like me). And I had a boyfriend, but when I think back on it I was again more excited about the idea that a boy liked me. Also this guy was my friend and he was always kind so I was fine with him calling me his girlfriend. This same year, throughout the year I couldn't keep my eyes of the cute girls in class though. Like I legitimately couldn't stop looking at this girl's eyes and hair and smile and shit. And I don't think I even recognized this behavior until a couple years later. I had heard of the terms gay and bi and lesbian but I don't think I had the social intelligence to apply one of the terms to myself. This same year I moved and went to a different school and I made a best friend who was a girl. We were always together and making each other laugh and I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. I remember half the time I didn't know what she was talking about because I was just lost in her eyes (cheesy I know but true). And people asked if I was bi, and I remember thinking I was but being ashamed of the way they asked it and denying it. I couldn't get my best friend out of my head. I absolutely loved her spirit and our times together.. when she liked a boy I got jealous because I wanted her to want to be with me. I remember giving her advice for boys on the phone and then crying on the phone because I was sad she loved someone in a romantic way who wasn't me. And I remember not registering what this meant until I was watching her in class one day talk to another one of our friends, and I remember thinking literally: "She is so beautiful...holy shit... I'm in love with {name}. Holy shit, I must be gay." And I was so at peace at this time. And I remember people asking if me and my best friend were together and I loved the idea of her being mine. She was never my girlfriend though. I came out to my mom as lesbian, but she said it was just a phase and that it wasn't really love. It was humiliating to say the least. She got a boyfriend, and I was broken hearted. Again I dated a boy because he was one of my friends and I thought it was what you were supposed to do and he was attractive and kind. But I didn't feel for him the way I did for my best friend AT ALL. Like I know the difference between liking someone as a friend, loving someone, and being in love with someone. And I liked this guy but that was as far as it went. I dreaded making out with him but I thought it was what you were supposed to do so I did it. The one time I enjoyed it, was because I was imagining his lips were my best friend's(I know that was fucked up). Life went on. I'm about 17 now, I'm still friends with the girl, I was heartbroken for a couple years bc I was in love with her but it was unrequited. By 17 I still loved her but I wasn't head over heels in love with her anymore. I remember thinking I just wanted her in my life forever and if that meant I was only going to be her friend I was okay with it. In the years 14-17, I had dated guys and I liked guys as friends and I loved certain guys but I was never in love with a guy (I was getting crushes/attractions to girls at this time though). Also around 15-17 I started watching lesbian shows and lesbian porn because it was what I identified with and it turned me on (BUT, I remember still being kind of turned off to the vagina but it went away). I started categorizing myself as lesbian. Now things get murky around 18-19. Because I have a VERY good memory, especially emotional memory, but I can't remember 18-19 very well. Nothing traumatic happened to me or anything. BUT, I do remember I started watching straight porn because this was the only thing that turned me on anymore. I don't remember when I transitioned from lesbian to straight porn at all but I know it had to be around 18-19. The odd part is, lesbian porn either turned me off because it seemed so fake or because it just wasn't doing it for me (I think this is why 18-19 is so hard to recall because I think I was disassociating from what I was doing). BUT I was still only romantically attracted to females. And the romantic attraction wasn't something I could help, you know you can never force yourself in or out of love with somebody. It just happens. I fell in love at 17-18, with a girl I met online. She liked me too, but it was on and off and I don't think she was in love with me. She rejected me pretty hard too, when I asked her what I meant to her. She was basically a female fuckboy. Anyway, that quasi-relationship took a bigger toll on me than I can properly convey, but I still love/and am attracted to that girl. She was bi, and rejected me for a guy, so my ignorant ass self became a bit biphobic because I thought girls would think I'd never be as good as a guy. So when I was 20, in college. I was still only watching straight porn or gay male on male porn(which I would deny to myself was a sign of bisexuality), but getting romantic crushes on women only. BUT, I had a close friendship with a guy and I fell into that (fuck - I'm a pushover) date my guy friend because he likes me relationship. This guy had all the traits I like (in a romantic partner) and I talked to him about my sexuality and revealed things about me that I'd never to anyone else. I remember being so close to him. And I loved him and still do, but I don't think it was romantic because when he wanted to do relationship things I was only annoyed. Him kissing my neck did turn me on, but we never had sex because I didn't want to go any further. I didn't like holding his hand, or going out on dates, or feeling like I had to be feeling and doing romantic things with him. He would talk about our future together, and I remember the idea of getting stuck in a marriage with him depressed me. At this same time, I was falling in love with a girl in my dorm (I know for sure I was falling in love), and I began to resent this guy. I broke up with him. But, I missed him and his friendship and I began to wonder if this was because I was in love with him. To this day, I don't know what I felt for him. Sometimes, I wonder if I was in love with him but I rejected the idea because I was biphobic. Back to the girl I was falling for, she liked me back but she never went through with doing anything. We went out on a couple dates but we never kissed or did anything more. I remember she had big beautiful boobs and I was really attracted to her. But the thing is, I can't tell you if I actually physically like lesbian sex because I've never had sex with a man or a woman. To be clear, I am a 21 year old virgin. It gets more confusing, I'm so sorry. :bang: If you've read this far, I'm so grateful. From 18-19 to now, only straight porn did it for me but during it I've had intrusive thoughts like "you really only like men" and "only guys can make you cum like this" and "you're fooling yourself into thinking youre gay" and much more self-degrading things that hurt me emotionally and make me question the validity of my romantic attraction. And I would climax to these thoughts for a reason I don't know why, and after I climaxed while thinking those thoughts I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself, to the point I felt like I was going to take my life. And I remember from 19 till about a couple months ago, I became really aggressive towards straight people and bi people (I know this is cruel and wrong:icon_sad. For example, I remember having a tumblr and whenever people I followed claimed the were lesbian would reblog pics of Justin Bieber or another male tagged "daddy" or "heart eyed or tongue" I would get mad at them (and self-loathing and mad at myself too, because of what my porn preference is). And anytime I saw straight couples on the dashboard, I would unfollow the person because romantic posts always left me at a loss, because I've never been able to feel that way for a guy. And sexual posts, made me mad because it made me have to deal with the reality of my porn preference. Now I'm 21, and I'm just starting to accept that I must be either straight or bisexual (like within the past few months), because straight fantasies and porn are the only thing that turn me on physically. I watch lesbian porn sometimes but I don't get turned on as much especially because it seems so completely fake (and the idea of the girl not liking it but pretending to, turns me off), and I almost never climax from it anymore. I still get those intrusive thoughts when I watch straight porn. But I still only feel romantically attracted to females and never males. But I wonder if I'm just not romantically attracted to males because I had internalized biphobia. What if I can fall in love with guys but I'm just once again denying it?; because sometimes I watch a straight couple on tv or watch a romantic straight interaction and I'm like "Aww, that's cute, that wouldn't be that bad if it happened to me". What if because I was biphobic at the time I dated that guy in college, what if I just denied from myself having feelings for him? Even at this point, when I'm finally not aggressive towards bisexuality anymore - I think a bit of me must still be. Because the idea/fact of me being only physically attracted to males, depresses because I only feel happy and content when in a relationship with a woman. And also, because I feel like I couldn't experiment with a guy (If someone suggested I try) any time in my life without slipping into that self-loathing and suicidal mindset afterwards. Do you have any idea what's wrong with me? What do you think my sexuality is? Was being a lesbian a phase? Am I bi or straight? Please, any ideas or comments or advice on what to do.. anything, so I feel less scared and confused and alone. Thank you for your time and any advice. I apologize for my thought processes and reactions. I don't intend to be hurtful or cruel to bisexuals, :icon_redf I am only trying to be as honest as possible about myself. [/FONT][/FONT]
There was a lot of information in your post making it a little hard to keep things straight, so sorry if I get confused/have misunderstood something. Sexuality has nothing to do with gender identity and is not necessarily correlated with gender expression, so I wouldn't concern yourself too much with how you felt when you were younger unless you were questioning your gender identity. When talking about your sexuality, I think it's slightly redundant. I've heard from other lesbian women on this site that it isn't rare to have straight crushes when you're younger simply because that's what society is telling you to do from the moment you're able to smile - I remember when I was younger and I waved goodbye to a friend I'd made at school, my mom "aww"ed and said "She's already got a boyfriend, stealing all the boy's hearts!" and I didn't even know what a boyfriend was. It is very possible to watch straight porn and still be gay. My boyfriend is gay as they come, but he still watches straight porn. Something to keep in mind is that lesbian porn is not made for lesbian women - it's made for straight men who are turned on by the idea of lesbian women. A fair amount of the things shown (such as scissoring) is difficult for your average person and not very pleasurable if you manage it. I know a fair few lesbian women that don't like lesbian porn because it's nothing like actual lesbian sex. It sounds a lot to me like you are a lesbian. You seem pretty adamant that you have 0 attraction to men besides the occassional "oh he seems like a nice person", and you clearly have attraction to women, so I really don't think you're straight - you might be lesbian with homoflexible tendancies but I think women are clearly more important in your life than men.
Firstly, well done for coming here and letting that all out You've obviously been through a lot and it will have taken some courage to open up like that, but it's definitely the best thing to have done. Now the kind people of EC will certainly help you out. I hope we can lift some weight off your shoulders. Secondly, I certainly do not dislike you after reading that as you suggested I might. I don't think anyone will. Most of us have gone through some homophpbic, biphobic and just down right embarrassing in general stages that we regret and are not proud of. Sometimes when you're going through difficult times, you project and lash out, and all of us here understand and relate to that. I do relate to your story somewhat. I have had guy crushes in adolescence but I though the idea of love was ridiculous somehow. I fell hard for a couple of girls that have taken me over, made me feel elated and also very depressed - now I feel like I know what real love is, and perhaps this means I'm a lesbian? But at the same time, I see the attractiveness in guys, and I always enjoyed gay male porn, and still can, although, like you I feel somewhat guilty and invalidated when I do these days. I used to avoid women in porn, but now I search them out... however lesbian porn as someoneentioned is just not made for girls and is really unsatisfying a lot of the time. I've enjoyed the chase with guys at times, but as soon as it gets to making out I am entirely repulsed... which seems so at odds with how I can think about them sexually quite happily. In the end I just want to be with a woman... You see I relate quite a lot, and I understand the total frustration this can be when trying to find a label. But this does not need to be killing you with anxiety - you are normal, you are fine, plenty of people have these problems, feel these things and come out alive. The first thing you have to consider is that porn preference does not always correlate with sexuality. Often it is the sexual nature of the act, and not the actual attraction to the porn stars that turns us on. There are a fair few lesbians who do enjoy gay male porn, because it is just more real than lesbian porn, so can evoke more of a reaction. Thats fine. I even watched a video on YouTube called "lesbians that have sex with men", who have no sexual attraction towards men, and will not kiss and touch them but are happy to have men tend to their needs when they haven't had sex for a while - it's just about the general sensation and the eroticism of it, not the attraction. Secondly, have you heard of the Kinsey scale? It ranks you from 0 = entirely heterosexual, to 3 = bisexual without preference to 6 = entirely homosexual. I think a Kinsey 5 may be a good descriptor for people like us? And it is generally agreed that a Kinsey 5 can call herself a bisexual with a large preference for women or a lesbian. I lean towards lesbian, because if I cannot kiss a guy and enjoy it, and neither do I desire a relationship with one, then how would it ever work out? (Though sometimes I wonder if I am foolishly limiting myself - you will always doubt yourself). Lastly, you don't have to have a definite label at all. You can go labelled as I currently am, or choose a label like queer, which is deliberately vague. All it confirms is that you are not straight. Though I understand that a label really helps with acceptance - I want one for that reason - but it shouldn't stress you out this much! Let yourself relax on the idea of labels. So what do I think about your situation? I think that there is no way you are straight. I sometimes have these little doubts about whether I'm actually straight , but if we look at the big picture, falling head over heels for a girl is not something a straight woman does under any circumstances. Are you bi...? As I said, I think both of us can probably fit into the Kinsey 5 category, where we could say we're bi or gay. I think generally gay/lesbian is more accurate, especially if you only want to end up with a woman - really nothing that you have said makes me think that you could sustain a relationship with man or be happy with it. So whether or not in some theoretical sense you may like men on a basic sexual level, you are functionally a lesbian. Remember, your porn choice does not have to correlate with your sexuality. I understand your struggle here with this mountain of ambiguous evidence but I have to break it to you - it will never be cut and dry. You have to let it be wobbly and confusing - just a little bit. My outlook right now is that the only way I will have enough certainty to label myself is by living my life, and loving myself. Because you will never have the opportunity to love someone and be loved back and really understand where your heart lies if you don't grab at life, put yourself in situations with new people, and love yourself enough to show people why to love you too. This is hard I know. I feel like I am swimming up from the depths of a never-ending ocean and I am too weak... I'm too weak to keep going. But it will be worth it to see the sun again. The sun is always there.
Hey guys, I'm sorry for the redundancy. I know it's a complicated read, but your advice has truly relieved so much stress. You are both so kind. Shach, thank you so much for explaining all that and for showing me your perspective, it means the world.
